Hey party people, remember me? Look who’s back to entertain us? A brand new BeYONCE Factor featuring Hollywood’s flavor of the minute. JENNIFER HUDSON has been all over print magazines and television shows thanks to her role as the overweight soulful mammy character in ‘Dreamgirls’. Think of her as a modern day mashup of HATTIE McDANIELS and ARETHA FRANKLIN, except with less singing and acting ability. In their grand plan to diversify themselves Hollywood has knighted her. I expecty her next role to be that of an overweight soulful soul singer who has a bitchy attitude. Kind of a life imitating art situation.
You folks remember how the BeYONCE Factor works don’t you? It’s really simple and here’s a quick rewind of the format for all of you folks scoring from home or the office…
Jig, spic and priv celebs will be rated on a scale for how close their game comes to that of the pinnacle of all jiggaboo goddesses – BeYONCE. In parentheses are the factors that give each candidate a high or low score depending on how we at the website rate them. If a subject does exceptionally well with a factor then they will receive the full allotment of points (100).
1) Can you say her name – (the more‘Black’ sounding the name of the candidate, the higher the number of points)
2) Can she pay her bills – (cash rules everything around us – does the candidate have any?)
3) Is she a survivor – (has the candidate had to endure scandal/controversy?)
4) Baby boy – (has the candidate ever had an abortion?)
5) Cater to you – (would you want a backrub from the candidate?)
6) Dangerously in love – (is the candidate in a relationship that can’t last?)
7) Bootylicious – (this should speak for itself)
JENNIFER got sonned something proper when she tried to front on DON CORNELIUS’ parade. The Black DICK CLARK put a call in to tiny tall Israeli CLIVE DAVIS and told him that his girl was out of pocket. CLIVE did one of those pimp moves where he put his hand in the air and theatened to give her the ring side of it. JENNIFER just got hit with her first can of Ack Rite. Who does she think she is up in this bitch?!? ALICIA KEYS? Anyhoo…
JENNIFER also threw some shit on the American Idol set up by saying that she was once an employee of Burger King and didn’t see the need to thank all of her former employers for terminating her. Burger King responded by giving her a credit card that gives J-HUD the ability to get B.K. Stackers forever. That makes her somewhat appealing to me now. But enough talk bitches, its time to factor…
1) Can you say her name – 0 (JENNIFER is not a Black enough name, maybe if she appended it with ‘equa’ or ‘iesha’)
2) Can she pay her bills – 150 (the front cover of VOGUE gives a mean check to cash!!!)
3) Is she a survivor – 100 (up to this point it’s only been white folks pulled out of the garbage pile that is ‘American Idol’ runner ups)
4) Baby boy – 0 (a Midwesterner older than 25 without a child[gasp]?!?)
5) Cater to you – 100 (she does look like she can handle herself in the kitchen with some sausage and biscuits)
6) Dangerously in love – 50 (no pics of her being circulated canoodling anyone. CLIVE DAVIS, get on your grind mister before the internets call her a ‘cuntsnacker’)
7) Bootylicious – 100 (cute in the face and thick in the waist)
JENNIFER HUDSON’s BeYONCE FACTOR totals = 500 points!
Now Mz.B can rest easy again. JENNIFER HUDSON lost on American Idol for several reasons, mainly, because she lacks real musical talent. This bad dream that BeYONCE has been suffering through for the last several weeks will end shortly, possibly after she releases her first album. J-HUD needs to recognize that she is only borrowing BeYONCE’s Academy award.
