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O.K., I don’t want this site to be labeled as some kind of bastion for homophobic rhetoric so let me clarify what we mean when we call something ‘gay’ or ‘faggoty’. These terms are used to describe something that we consider a waste of time. If you run around a field for 4 hours and you have nothing to show for it after all that time you are gay. Because just like gay sex, all you will have in the end is a bunch of sweaty men.

Soccer hasn’t been able to attract a widespread American audience because we like to see results for our hard work. Four hours of running up and down a field should leave teams with a score of say 60-45 or something around that. Only Europeans and Africans can relate to the ‘working for nothing’ aspect of soccer because of their genetic disposition to serfdom.

My advice to the people that want to bring another faggoty sport here to America should just forget about it because we have our own version of faggoty futebol, we call it hockey. Its all like men on ice skates dancing with each other and whacking a turd around with a stick.

I haven’t smacked the crap out of a woman in a long azz time, but my chances are looking better now that I have a girlfriend, and now that the NFL football season is beginning.

Back in June we talked about BURGER KING becoming one of the league’s top sponsors and then blahkow! some young lineman has a coronary. Too many Whoppers in his diet has been the whispered rumor. I can relate to ol’ boy too because I am a lardazz without the multi-million dollar contract. That is why I get my Slurpee with crushed Lipitor.

Eating like a pig is definitely a fun tasty part of the the football season, but being a domestic pig is the creamy part. Blacking your ladyfriends’ eyes and puffing up her lips are all permissible parts of the game for Sunday afternoons. I once broke a girls leg because she tried to kiss the inside of my ear during a Patriots-Dolphins game.

Looks like I am not the only person that gets that ‘loving feeling’ during gametime. Some nerds at Indiana University did a 5-year study through 14 N.F.L. cities regarding the incidence of domestic violence and its proximity to the professional football season. The cities that lead in incidents were Kansas City, Cleveland, Indianapolis, Cincinnati and New Orleans.

HA! That’s no wonder. All those cities football teams suck!

Ladies, you may want to consider relocating yourself to a city with a decent football team. Otherwise this might be the line you hear the most this winter…

“BITCH! Don’t have me smack you! Micheal Vick is on the set!”

The NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE has granted BURGER KING exclusive permission to their brand as the leagues official fast food sponsor. This means that there will all kinds of media generated in the next few months that ties these two together. This is great brand placement for all the BURGER KING franchises since the NFL has a solid grip on the male 18-34 year old demographic.

The problem I foresee is that the target demographic(and even males younger than 18) are infatuated and saturated with fast food so much that we are already obese. It will be a case of big, fat, lardasses sitting on a couch watching a television screen full of even bigger lardasses run and hit each other.

The BURGER KING happy meals will probably have mini footballs inside of them but what they will really need to include is a package of LIPITOR for my cholesterol and a coupon for 20% off my next Coronary Artery Bypass surgery.

All things considered it is a bold move for BURGER KING and the NFL and it makes me think about the branding and marketing possibilities in some of the other major sports…

E.P.T. Home Pregnancy test kits for all the ladies that congregate in the hotel lobby where an NBA team is staying overnight. The NBA and Dutch Masters cigars have a promotional giveaway night anywhere that RASHEED WALLACE is playing. Authentic throwback hypodermic needles signed by baseball sluggers BARRY BONDS and MARK McGWIRE. Do you see where I am going with this?!?