Archive for the ‘Jig Lit Review’ Category

THE DP DOT COM GUEST ROOM: 5 BLACK MALE HAIRSTYLES

Tuesday, December 18th, 2007

ebony3

Editor’s note: Today’s Guest Room drop comes from GORDON GARTRELLE at the website We Are Respectable Negroes. Without a doubt, this is the important information that AL GORE created the internets for.

5 Black Male Hairstyles And What They Say About Those Who Wear Them
This Friday Five was inspired by Billy Sunday’s classic “Guide to Black Women’s Hair.”

You know the old adage—women assess a man’s status by examining his shoes? That bit of advice isn’t as useful as it used to be. Grad school has made me broke as a joke, yet I own pairs of Gucci and Prada shoes (they were gifts); a guy in baby blue gators once begged me for money on the street; and I know a few guys who are pulling down six figures, but wear busted Pro Keds. Plus, the popularity of throwback kicks has leveled the field, so it’s more difficult than ever to gauge a man’s personality and life chances by looking at what he wears on his feet. Thus, many women have shifted their focus from toe to head. As a public service to the few black women who don’t already know this stuff, I thought that I’d relay what I’ve learned about what certain hairstyles reveal about the black men who rock them. This knowledge comes from observing brothers 1st hand as well as from “conversating” with black women.

1.) Box

box

Look, I understand that our African brothers and American negroes from age 45 on tend to be a little behind fashion-wise, so I cut them a little slack. But if you are a black man in America and you are relatively young, there’s absolutely no excuse to have a box.

Says:

  • a. I am square… Literally
  • b. I do not know many young black people;
  • c. I do not date young black women (or, more likely, they don’t date me).
  • 2.) Curl

    curl

    Here’s my question: Do chefs with jheri curls need extra thick hats to prevent the paper from becoming transparent, disintegrating, and catching on fire?

    Says:

  • a. I have a weak sense of smell;
  • b. I own several extra pillowcases.
  • 3. Shag

    shag

    Ah, the Shag(adelic). Though the shag and the mullet are brothers from another mother, the former doesn’t quite have the ironic appeal for black people as the latter has for white folks. But the shag is an enduring negro hairstyle that’ll be around 50 years from now. I’m not sure we can say the same for the mullet.

    Says:

  • a. I can’t stand to have a cold neck;
  • b. I own all of the Commodores’ albums.
  • 4.) Process

    process

    I can understand why black women spend a fortune to chemically scorch their scalps and go bald by 40. Few are happy to be nappy, and they need that promotion at work, right? What on earth would possess a man to fry his wig, though?

    Says:

  • a. I am somewhat effeminate;
  • b. I will try to sell my woman to my friends before I get a job.
  • 5.) Unkempt cornrows

    cornrows

    Not a fan of cornrows, but if you’re gonna wear em, keep em tight.

    Says:

  • a. my woman is busy servicing another guy;
  • b. my cell mate is busy servicing another guy.
  • Eff A MySpace In The A!

    Monday, December 10th, 2007

    myspace

    Editor’s note: The Ambassador takes some time away from her semester’s finals to tell us how she really feels about social inter-network websites.

    There’s no doubt in my mind that the internet has revolutionized life as we know it. I’m bustin’ my ass over here trying to bang out research papers because it’s finals time, and I realized that without the internet I’d be about as lost and doomed as a blind lemming. The internet is good.

    But fuck a “social networking” site.

    I don’t say this for the typical reasons such as the fact that they’re breeding grounds for child molesters and sex predators, odd stalker-type hermits, aspiring amateur porn stars, and musicians who will never make it out of their mothers’ basements. I say this because these sites can very easily fuck up a relationship.

    I used to have a myspace. Hell, I used to have a Facebook account too. Two at once! I was bold. I logged in damn near every day.

    I was a dumbass.

    I have never come across a more drama-causing side effect of technology in my 19 years of life than the phenomenon known as the social networking website. Let’s focus on myspace this time around. People would hit me up complaining that they weren’t in my “top 8”. Like that shit really matters in life, right? Then you get your so called “friends” that hit you up every month or so saying, “Hey bitch, I haven’t seen you in so long! How you been? Call me, let’s chill sometime!” …Except you know that it’s never going to go down, and another month will pass and you won’t ever see them. Unless their car breaks down, or they need $20 to help pay their electric bill. Then they’ll come around.

    But all that shit is just a chip off the melting icebergs up in the Arctic Circle that will eventually (supposedly) cause hell on Earth (once again, another post for another day). The absolute worst time to have a myspace account is when you’re in a serious romantic relationship. If you’re extremely lucky and find yourself in a relationship with zero trust issues whatsoever, you may end up OK. But the second you make even the slightest fuck-up in a relationship, your myspace page may prove to be your worst enemy.

    Think about it – your significant other can hit up your page and see damn near everybody you talk to. All your ex’s that you have as friends, that girl you met at the club and worked the walls for a night only for her to e-stalk you ever since, your family (sisters, cousins, whoever), your close friends… that really has the potential to end badly. On top of that, the most random of people are known to leave some stupid ass comments on the regular. You don’t even want to know how many comments I’d get from guys I hadn’t talked to in years on my page going “Hey sexy, how’s that fine ass doing? Call me, we can chill at my place and give the neighbors something to listen to…”. Oh yeah, if your (wo)man sees that right after you have a fight? They’re going to start wondering. Jealousy ain’t a good look, but damn if it ain’t a common occurrence.

    You could always set your page to one of those private joints so then only your friends can see it (which will only work if your other half doesn’t have an account), but then that just makes you look like you have something to hide. Guilt ain’t really a good look either.

    And don’t even get me started on the psychotic-type (wo)men in the world who will try to be slick and start up fake accounts and hit you up under some fine-looking alias, pulling shit like hitting on you and asking to meet up or offering you some ass just to see what you’d do or say. Fam, mind games are *not *cool. One wrong move and you’re done. And real talk, if you have
    someone in your life trying to pull that kind of stunt on you, you should be seriously debating getting away from them anyway. Not a good situation at all, plus it has the potential to lead to…

    …the craptastic ex who resembles the gossiping spawn of Satan. You know, the one who can’t keep their mouth shut, and posts all your business on myspace after you break up. That…well, that doesn’t need much explanation. Ouch. Even a fat blunt filled with that presidential weed that Obama was smoking back in the day wouldn’t help the kind of headache you’ll get when you realize that the whole world is going to know about every embarrassing moment you experienced while in that relationship.

    Let’s face it – back when the only simple means of communication was a telephone (and a non-cellular one at that), and the easy access to one night stand material via the internet didn’t exist, I bet relationships were a lot easier to handle. Not saying they were simple back then, but surely the internet has drastically altered the dynamics of romance.

    And since winter break is coming for all of you college students, here’s something to do when you’re bored and snowed in: hop on myspace and search out your old high school. Peep out what some of the people who you used to know or see around the way are up to. I guarantee you’ll get some laughs. It’s amazing what information people throw out to the world. Hell, one of my very good friends from back in the day is a stripper now. Fellas, if you see her in the club, slip a few extra dollar bills in that g-string for me. She was cool peoples.

    ambassador The Ambassador says…
    “DP Dot Com IS the social network!”

    Classic Lyrical Cage Match…

    Sunday, December 9th, 2007

    furious 5iveMake sure you put on your best clothing when you go to Sunday School at XXL Mag Dot Com

    Me and my lady’s dad go at it from time to time because he is a classic jazz aficionado and I of course, am not. One thing we both agree on however is that John Coltrane was a gift from God. Coltrane was a consummate artist whose work ethic was nothing short of ridiculous. ‘Trane was enveloped by his art and cared nothing for the fame and trappings that came with popularity. Dude was also just a beast on the saxophone. If you haven’t ever fucked with any John Coltrane music do yourself a favor and open up some of that shit. You won’t be disappointed, unless you are a retahd.

    Our argument, rather discussion this weekend centered around the excellent poetry contained in Hip-Hop lyrics. My talking points dealt with rap music’s employment of poetic conceits to describe things like wealth, women, drugs, etc. His argument was that rap does little more than to describe things in order to sell shit. He declared that rap music lacked the ability to describe society the way that poetry does because the use of music negates and meaning to the lyrics. He argued that the purpose of music was to make you dance and not make you listen so therefore any statements that were important were being issued to deaf ears. I corrected him by saying that deaf was actually spelled ‘Def’. He had no idea what the eff I was talking about.

    Now while I would generally agree with his overall assessment of rap music in that it is used to sell things to people, from actual products like Courvosier, to more esoteric items like lifestyle choices, when Hip-Hop has attacked social injustice it has done so with aplomb and success. Furthermore, classic poetry itself has been lent to musical accompaniment and that has not diluted its message or intent. I decided I would take a minute to extract some classic poetry that was shaped for musical presentation and compare it with some rap lyrics that I consider a great socially relevant poem. I pulled up some of James Langston Hughes collected works since my lady’s dad made a book with him fifty years ago called ‘The Sweet Flypaper of Life’. The piece I used as an example of the musical nature of poetry is called ‘Po Boys’ Blues’

    When I was home de
    Sunshine seemed like gold.
    When I was home de
    Sunshine seemed like gold.
    Since I come up North de
    Whole damn world’s turned cold.

    I was a good boy,
    Never done no wrong.
    Yes, I was a good boy,
    Never done no wrong,
    But this world is weary
    An’ de road is hard an’ long.

    I fell in love with
    A gal I thought was kind.
    Fell in love with
    A gal I thought was kind.
    She made me lose ma money
    An’ almost lose ma mind.

    Weary, weary,
    Weary early in de morn.
    Weary, weary,
    Early, early in de morn.
    I’s so weary
    I wish I’d never been born.

    This is a blues song if I have ever heard one. As a matter of fact I can hear Muddy Waters already on the hook singing this joint. Blues songs love to repeat their refrains to drive home the central idea that the story they are relating is really fucked the fuck up. I chose a blues song for my Hip-Hop entry as well. Blues songs lyrics are clearly where popular American music gets its DNA from. From the chanted call and response to the repeated rhyming patterns which are all Blues innovations.

    Especially considering the themes of love, loss, reconciliation and redemption when they are contained in one song owe their roots to the history of storytelling from Africa. The Hip-Hop song I used as my example was the final stanza from Melle Mel’s universal ghetto classic – ‘The Message’.

    A child is born with no state of mind,
    blind to the ways of mankind.
    God is smiling on you but he’s frowning too,
    because only God knows what you’ll go through.
    You’ll grow in the ghetto, live as second rate,
    and your eyes will sing a song of deep hate.
    The places you play and where you stay,
    looks like one great big alley way.

    You’ll admire all the number book takers,
    thugs, pimps, and pushers and the big money makers.
    Driving big cars, spending twenties and tens,
    and you wanna grow up to be just like them.
    Smugglers, scramblers, burglars, gamblers,
    pickpockets, peddlers, even panhandlers.
    You say, “I’m cool, hell I’m no fool!”,
    but then you wind up dropping out of high school.
    So now you’re unemployed, all null and void,
    still you’re walking around like you’re Pretty Boy Floyd.
    Turned stickup-kid, and look what you’ve done did?
    Got sent up for a eight year bid.

    Now your manhood is took and you’re a May-Tag.
    You spend the next two years as an undercover fag
    Being used and abused, and served like hell.
    Until one day you were found hung dead in your cell.
    It was plain to see that your life was lost.
    You were cold while your body swung back and forth.
    So now your eyes just sing the sad, sad song,
    of how you lived so fast, and died so young.

    You can’t tell me that shit isn’t everlasting fire. Ha! I beat the old man this time. This joint is on some profound ‘Strange Fruit’ type shit. At its height, Hip-Hop tells a truth that gives knowledge and empowerment to those that heed its message.

    HO SIT DOWN!

    Wednesday, November 21st, 2007

    j.d.

    Not that HO, but that OTHER ho…

    Everyone of you readers MUST read the following Huffington Post blog entry by JERMAINE DUPRI. This is required reading for those of you who want a reason to justify why people should illegally download music. It is spoken in the earnest voice of someone who has no connection whatsoever to the consumer base that has supported the record industry all along.

    To hear J.D. tell it, the consumer was better when they were more easily manipulated into purchasing whole albums simply because of their desire for one single track. JERMAINE claims that the current system which enables consumers to preview an entire album and purchase only the worthwhile singles from iTunes is ruining the industry. Seriously, read this idiot’s shit.

    A Good Album is More than Just a Collection of Singles

    Someone called this shit best over at XXLmag dot com by saying that JERMAINE is one of those slaves that thinks he is sick because his master has a cold. The record industry model needed to be scrapped ten years ago. What sickens me is that J.D. still uses his cache as a producer to speak as if he is more artist than entrepreneur. The reason why the public decided to support the iTunes model is because artists weren’t submitting complete albums. Or their labels weren’t publishing their music as such.

    rap pack

    J.D. describes JAY-Z’s demand to not sell ‘American Gangster’ via iTunes as the shot in the industry’s arm to revitalize them and remind the people at Apple who is really the boss when selling music is concerned. Pahh! Just try to sell another JANET JACKSON album without iTunes, or a MICHAEL JACKSON album for that matter. No one will risk going in on purchasing an entire album from either of these icons without damn near every track first being leaked. The record industry killed their golden egg laying goose and now they want to blame everyone and everything else but themselves. How about releasing a complete fucking album from an artist?

    When you listen to a record like ‘Graduation’ you recognize the care placed into the development of every song on the album. You may not like every track but it is obvious to me that KANYE WEST spent his time trying to make every song personal and separate as an individual statement. In the best reality a great album IS in fact a collection of singles that play independently and individually of the larger collection.

    When artists return to examining and exploring their artform is when the public will return to consuming their journey in its entirety. Let’s see if JERMAINE can make a JANET JACKSON worth listening to instead of trying to give her the sound of an aging BRITNEY SPEARS(who mind you, was actually just a bootlegg JANET from the gate anyhoo). In the meantime J.D., sit the eff down.

    t.i.

    The War On Terror = 190 Pairs Of Nike Dunks

    Wednesday, November 14th, 2007

    dj khaled

    Editor’s note: This drop comes from The Ambassador who normally gets her grind on at HipHop DX dot com (MekaSoul stand the fuck up!). Since we were discussing the outrageous integer of 1.6trillion I thought I would let her go in on what that number means to her. To be honest, after reading this I may never buy myself another pair of Nike Dunks. Awww, who are we kidding?!?

    It should be no new information that I’m a broke as shit college student, so undoubtedly my perceptions about monetary amounts are a little bit skewed. $5 to me is like $50 most of the time. But I don’t particularly don’t give a 2-girls 1-cup* shit about how rich any of you e-thugs are (unless you want to donate to my college fund). $1.6 trillion is a lot of fucking money, and you can’t deny that, just like Lil Wayne can’t deny that he has a thing for dropping the soap (no hetero).

    Gotta love the Democrats sometimes though. Yeah, they’re still some good for nothing, conspiracy theorist food for thought just like their Republican counterparts, but at least the Democrats don’t hesitate to call out the shenanigans of their blackgolddigging political opposites. Well, assuming that the Democrats aren’t lying, that is. Which wouldn’t be too unrealistic considering they are also politicians and well…aw, fuck it, just listen to a Dead Prez album on your own time. I got other shit to talk about.

    The Democraps have gotten their hands on a report that compiles statistics and data taken from the Congressional Budget Office, which claims to be a nonpartisan organization (word?), that states that from 2002 to 2008, the war on terror (our wars vs. Afghanistan and Iraq, aka “Operation Fuel Hatred Towards South Asians That People Mistakenly Assume Are Middle Eastern Jihadists Because They’re Dark Skinned, Hairy, Stink of Body Odor and Cheap Cologne, and Speak With An Accent”**) will have cost our country approximately $1.6 trillion. “So what?” you say? “That’s our national debt, shit, I don’t have to pay that off myself, I’m still making that cake – I don’t give a fuck about the war!” Word to Monty Python: my friend, I fart in your general (ignorant) direction.

    It has been calculated that given the $1.6 trillion figure, the average (four person) American family has paid upwards of $20,900 towards funding the Afghanistan and Iraq wars. Maybe it’s just my broke ass, but almost twenty one thousand dollars is a whole fucking lot to me. Like the lil’ homey NaSir would say, “Let’s put it all in perspective…”

    serena dunks

    1 pair of NIKEiD.com customized Dunk lows = $110.
    $20,900 divided by $110 = 190 pairs of Dunks (roughly DP’s collection).

    Ayo! Not only does that say that Nike charges a whole hell of a lot for its sweatshop produced goods (we can discuss that another day), but that says that we, the American people, are getting internally kidney poked [ll] by our government. Now, mind you, not all of this amount is made up of direct war costs. Parts of it are speculated side effects of the war . Line items such as interest rates on the money we’ve borrowed for funding the war, thus smoking our national debt out with that sticky Ben Franklin green to the point that it’s at the $9 trillion dollar level. The historically highest ever. Somebody grab our debt a bag of Doritos, stat! We got some serious munchies on our hands. Alongside of that, potential health care costs for injured soldiers and the costs of the shit-tastic oil market are taken into account in this $1.6 trillion figure.

    Most of you reading this just lost your 190 pairs of Dunks, or quite possibly a full year of your work earnings, to not finding Bin Laden or weapons of mass destruction. To losing many of our civilians’ innocent lives in the battle. To getting Al-Qaeda more pissed at us than ever. To funding wars that you may not have supported in the first place.

    Thank Allah (no Abdul Raheem) that it’s almost the end of Bush’s term. Thank Allah that Dallas promised me a pair of Dunks if I consistently throw drops at DP Dot Com. I’ll only have 189 more pairs to go.

    *You can find that one on your own. I will not be held responsible for you puking your lunch all over your keyboard. You have been warned.

    ** My sincere apologies go out to all of the Indian/Bangladeshis that have caught some post September 11th racist slack from ignorant YT’s that don’t know a Syrian from a Sri Lankan. All my 7-11 workers, taxi drivers, and restaurant owners – I still love you. I know you’re not terrorists.

    ambassador The Ambassador says…
    “Punks jump up to get beat down!”