Archive for the ‘Jig Lit Review’ Category

PIMPIN’ AINT EASY

Friday, March 10th, 2006

velvet

Before the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences took the time to realize the pathos of the pimp, Hip-Hop had already expressed the anxiety-filled plight of trying to make your fortune off the ass sweat of women young and old.

For the uninitiated I give you the chorus and verse from esteemed crapologist BIG DADDY KANE. The title of this work is similiar to the song ‘Its Hard Out Here For a Pimp’, but this version is much simpler and more direct. Please enjoy, ‘Pimpin Aint Easy’…

big daddy

Anything goes when it comes to hoes
Pimpin’ ain’t easy, Pimpin’ ain’t eeeeeee-zyyyyyy (repeat 6x)

Well, I say… Extra! Extra!
Here is a bachelor comin’ straight at ya
I see trim and bag it, take it home and rag it
the Big Daddy law is anti-faggot
That means no homosexuality
what’s in my pants’ll make you see reality
And if you wanna see a smooth black Casanova — BEND OVAH!
Cuz I don’t half-step when it comes to broads
The K-A-N-E ‘ll go the whole nine yards
There’s no time for coversation my dear
[MOAN!] is all I wanna hear
So let’s make a move, as I get smooth
cuz the purpose I serve is to soothe
I’m tall, dark and handsome and all that junk
Even white girls be sayin’ “Ooh, Kane’s a hunk!”
Even Puerto Rican girls be callin’ me papi
Some try to copy, but they look sloppy
So imitators who wanna step to a
brother like me, lick my manure!

While that song was certainly enjoyable there is another song by one of the greatest mulatto statesmen to ever handle a microphone. ICE -T also crafted a ‘Pimpin Aint Easy’ song and he describes the benefits of the worlds oldest industry with an aplomb swagger. ICE-T isn’t just selling CD’s for the VELVET JONES School of Pimpanomics, he is living the lifestyle

Pimpin ain’t pimpin ain’t easy man (repeat 4x)

Take a look at me, everything I own’s iced out
Pimp baby, you can see my wrists with the lights out
This is how I do it, mad bitches and clothes
Godfather baby, only play to my rogues
Step back, hater make a little room for my hoes
Gators on my feet, take a look at my toes
Money is the reason all the real players know that
Godfather lays punks to rest
He got no chance up against the best
I rocks in the East and I rolls in the West
If you don’t dig the pimpin I could really care less
cause it’s, pimp or die, pimp or die baby

Pimpin ain’t pimpin ain’t easy man (repeat 4x)

G-O-D, F-A-T-H-E-R
Hoes start runnin when they see my car
Even though I’ma pro wrestling star
they know I, don’t play and I gotta get paid
Everything I wear baby’s tailor made
I come into your town and go off like a grenade
And anyone who steps on the mat they get laid
Let me pimp or let me die that’s the game I chose
Condos, speedboats, and beautiful hoes
Cartier wristwear, furs and gold
And mad cash baby too much to fold
cause it’s, pimp or die, pimp or die baby

ice

Baseball Just Doesn’t Give a BUCK

Friday, March 10th, 2006

who gives a buck

L.M., P-City and TONY are the only losers readers visiting this crappy website that still care about beisbol so this post is for them. No brokeback, of course.

What is all of this noise about concerning JOHN JORDAN ‘BUCK’ O’NEIL and his omission from the Major League Basebal Hall of Fame. BUCK must have one of the best rabbis on his home team, because I have never seen the New York Times fellate a Black man this much since they pulled their silver spoons out for MALCOLM GLADWELL’s ballsachs. Although, since MALCOLM is a tragic mulatto I guess that doesn’t really count as Black then does it?

All this liberal boohooing and handwringing is coming from the very same sportswriters that have elected NOT to vote BUCK into baseball’s prestigious Hall of Fame. Well if all of you sage and just writers really wanted this old codger to be able to smell the roses while he was still breathing you would have voted for him. No sense in giving a Black any credit while they are alive anyhoo I guess. Just look at how 3-6-MAFIA acted.

GEORGE VECSEY waxed poetically about how the sky would have opened up and baseball might have finally exorcised all of the ghosts of greatness overlooked and most times outright denied.

GEORGE needs to stop smoking that WHITNEY HOUSTON, or to keep things in a baseball perspective, stop sniffing my man DWIGHT GOODEN’s white pudding. BUCK O’NEIL is a pioneer that’s for sure, and there are many other Negro Leaguers that played the greatest pasttime with verve and skill. The Hall of Fame should recognize all of the Negro League players. For a select few of them skin color was the least of their disabilities.


RONNY ‘TURKEY LEG’ JENKINS

the 1920 stars

RONALD JENKINS was from a small Tennessee coal mining town. At the age of 16 he lost part of his left leg in a mule cart accident, but that didn’t deter him from pursuing his dream of playing baseball. He fashioned a prosthetic limb for himself made with scrap wood from the dining room table in his parents’ house. He promised his parents that one day he would return to them with a new table so that they wouldn’t have to eat dinner sitting on the floor any longer.

turkey leg

RONNY was well known for his grace in the outfield, but it was his world class speed that would make him a Hall of Fame caliber Negro Leaguer. RONNY set records in the league for stolen bases during 4 consecutive seasons. He averaged more than 3 steals per game in three of those years. It wasn’t unreasonable for RONNY to score from first on an infield ground ball to the pitcher. RONNY would swipe third so often it was renamed ‘Turkey base’

turkey

Much fuss was made of the incident where RONNY’s prosthetic leg failed during a game and he had the wherewithall to hop all the way to home plate. RONNY played for the Detroit Stars for twelve years and he came to be regarded as one of the clutch players in the league. RONNY’s smooth style on the field was complemented by his grace off the field. After his retirement he became a local celebrity in the Detroit swingdancing scene.

turkey leg



EVERETT ‘BAT MAN’ BAILEY
bat man

Of all the unsung Negro League heroes the ‘BAT MAN’ is my personal favorite. He played for the Kansas City Monarchs during the same years as BUCK and SATCHEL PAIGE did. EVERETT was no ordinary ball player because he was completely blind. A childhood disease had robbed him of his eyesight, but not of his spirit or his will to play the game. EVERETT was Kansas City’s second best pitcher next to SATCHEL PAIGE

satch

You ask how Everett was able to pitch despite the fact that he was 100% blind and I tell you that he was a genius. LARRY BROWN, the great Negro League catcher would yell to EVERETT, telling him if the batter was left or right-handed, tall or short. All EVERETT had to do was rear back and release his fastball. What gave EVERETT an extra level of unorthodoxy was the fact that he would release the pitch as he jumped into the air.

bat man

Surprisingly enough, EVERETT had an extremely low rate of hit batsmen and a high number of strikeouts. Between EVERETT BAILEY and SATCHEL PAIGE you were lucky to get on base when you played the Monarchs. But the real reason that I liked the ‘BAT MAN’ so much was because he was a prolific hitter. The ‘BAT MAN’ hit over .400 for his career. Can you imagine how good he might have been if he could have seen the ball?!?

bat man

The ‘BAT MAN’ used the son of the team’s equipment manager as his assistant. He trained his ears to respond to only that voice in a crowded ballpark of thousands, maybe millions. The young man would scream out two words descriptions of the pitches that were being hurled and with that information the ‘BAT MAN’ was able to make contact with the ball. Getting around the bases was another issue and the ‘BAT MAN’ was usually replaced with a pinch runner after he had stumbled to first base and the play had been stopped. That is why the rule exists today that when a player is replaced by a pinch runner he has to leave the game.

It’s not as though I am hating on BUCK O’NEIL its just that there are many players from the Negro Leagues that have left an indelible mark on this game The fact that there aren’t too many Blacks who are into baseball now is another reason that I am loathe to bequeath an honor upon another jig sportsman. If BUCK O’NEIL could bring some of that crap music jig bling money into the stadiums then maybe it would be fine to put him in the Hall.

As it stands I do think that BUCK does deserve some kind of recognition for living to be 94 years old in racist azz Jim Crow Missouri.

buck

THINKING OF A MASTER PLAN…

Sunday, February 19th, 2006

the thinker

“Nigga gotta find a way, find a way to make some money” – 213

I have had designs on putting out a book detailing my youth in and around NYC, but there is a crush of writers turning out the worst bullshiite you could ever read. I don’t want to be lumped in together with these miscreants. How the fuck can you be functionally illiterate and still publish a book?!?

I can’t hate on these folks too hard because they have found a way to activate people into the habit of reading. We are living in a post-literate civilization. People receive information from television and radio well before they will pick up a newspaper. So for some folks to be able to sell books to convicts and the jigs on 125th Street is no small feat.

So where do I start? Do people want to read about NYC in the 1980’s? Everybody is pushing the story of crack cocaine, but no one is telling the truth about the destruction left in the wake of the epidemic. That was Black America’s tsunami 20years before Hurricane Katrina touched the coastline. Maybe I should tell my truths about selling drugs and taking drugs. There is an intimate connection between the users and the sellers and more often than not the roles get reversed.

I really want to put my story out about my asshole years and all the women I abused during the time that I hated myself. I had a contentious relationship with my family that almost resulted in my parents’ divorce and was probably responsible for the disconnect that I have with my younger brother.

So much shit to write about…

Damn, thanks for letting me think out loud to your eyes. I have to give thanks to all the good folks that ride with this site no matter what I put on these pages. Y’all will be the folks that get a free copy of the first hardcover edition. Now I am going back to bed and what I was enjoying before I decided to get up to jot down my thoughts.

monkeylove

WHAT’s HAPPENIN’ On The INTERNETS

Thursday, February 16th, 2006

whas happnin' bitches

The internets is a huge ocean of information and bullshiite. From the Negro chicanery featured on this site to the disaffected politics of a crazy Mexican there is a lot of fun stuff to read. I wanted to highlight a few places that I go to when I want to find some food for thought (read: images to steal).

NASTACK.COM has a nice piece on dead crapper BIG L whose life and career were far too short even in rapper years.

OH WORD! gives tribute to Detroit player JAY DEE and they have a super dope review of PUBLIC ENEMY’s album ‘Yo! Bum Rush The Show’

Is polygamy the new black? Is blonde the new black? Is brown the new Black? These are all philosophical points of view that the GLAMAZON dissects. Plus she posts pictures of hot azz chicks to prove her point.

My homegirl TAMRA brings her brand of witches brew to light with this site called TAM’s KITCHEN. I am just waiting for the recipe for hash brownies.

START SNITCHING should win some kind of award for having the internets most fearless blog title.

NICOLE RITCHIE = Gangsta Bitch

Thursday, February 16th, 2006

mugshot nicki

America! Don’t be fooled by this tragic mulatto debutante and her cotillion curls. NICOLE RICHIE is a cold-blooded killer.

I think I may have solved the murder of ISRAEL RAMIREZ. Bear with me for a sec internets fam…

CHOCOLATE SNOWFLAKE loves to watch Law & Order: Criminal Intent, but that show pisses me off because they are always solving crimes in under an hour. It’s been how many years since TUPAC and B.I.G. were killed and nobody has even been indicted. Those fucks from Law & Order would have solved this shit by now along with the JONBENET case.

dead

So while she watched the tube I fucked(no brokeback) around on the internets. I wanted to see what the jigs were up to so I started with the CRUNK & Disorderly website. C & D is cute and it’s easy to navigate because there aren’t too many bells and whistles. Not like her sister friend’s site BEAUTIFUL HUSTLE, which is visually stunning, but busy as all get out. So anyhoo, I linked from C & D to another website showcasing the jig madness, called CONCRETE LOOP. The post that comes up is the one detailing BUSTA RHYMES post-op haircut interview at an L.A. radio station.

bussabus

In the interview BUSTA had some slick sideways shit to say about PIDDY, which lead the Hip-Hop cops to shadow SEAN just in case they could put another gun charge on the kid. But I found BUSTA’s remark about “LIONEL RICHIE’s daughter” to be the real clue. Why couldn’t BUSTA come out and say her name? Was it LIONEL RICHIE who orchestrated the hook-up? Here was the real mystery…

Dun-dun


Editor’s note: Whenever you see the above phrase; dun-dun, it is your cue to imagine the endscene sound effect from Law & Order

So why would LIONEL RICHIE set up his daughter with BUSTA? Keep in mind that NICOLE is adopted so LIONEL RICHIE could technically enjoy that young poon himself, a la WOODROW.

wood yi

I think your boy LIONEL RICHIE is a capo, and he is connected to the Care Free Curls Mafia.

capo status

LIONEL RICHIE had been trying to recruit BUSTA prior to him cutting his locks. NICOLE RICHIE was like an offering to BUSTA because his hair had grown so long. If LIONEL RICHIE could convince BUSTA to join him in the CFCM can you imagine what a boon to the hair care industry that might have been, let alone the SoftSheen-Carson bottom line? But then BUSTA double-crossed them and cut off his hair. LIONEL RICHIE did the only thing that you can do when someone backs out on their word. He sent in his goons.

Dun-dun


Well actually, he sent his wild whoreish daughter who wasn’t much of a good shot to begin with. She disguised herself as a homeless derelict, which everyone assumed to be TONY YAYO since he is like 50yrs. old and has been seen digging through garbage cans.

yayo

She tried to gain access onto the video production set. This was a good idea since there were reportedly five entertainers and almost 500 umbrella holders on the set. Everybody knows that crapper entourages love hitting up the free sody pop at the craft services tent. When security denied NICOLE RICHIE, disguised as a homeless person, possibly TONY YAYO, entry onto the set she flipped out and started blasting.

Dun-dun

richie and rocket man

I don’t blame BUSTA for being shook neither. The thing about the CFCM is that they are in the highest positions in the entertainment world. When MICHAEL JACKSON tried to get out of the CFCM by relaxing his hair you see how quickly they brought him down. Word on the street is that the Care Free Curls Mafia already has their sights set on another rapper.

dusty jim

This episode also gave me a clearer perspective on how the big homie LIONEL RICHIE stacks all that paper.

Activator residuals biatch!

love my curl