Archive for the ‘The Re-Up’ Category

COMBAT JACK: My Gunshots Will Make You Levitate! (Hardbody Re-Up)

Saturday, April 28th, 2007

jimmy jump

Editor’s note: Internets veteran Combat Jack returns to the website to drop some fire on a young writer from XXLmag.com named Sickamore. It seems that the online publication’s writing staff have been given orders from their T.I. bosses to create a civil war between Hip-Hop fans born in the 1970’s and those that were born in the 1980’s. Some more fratricide that Hip-Hop surely doesn’t need, but if the young’n wants beef he’ll quickly see that Combat Jack isn’t the uno. I hope that this reply ends this beef thread once and for all. We shall see…

“You Gotta Have Style, and Learn To Be Original”
-quote from a 70’s baby

Being a true “70’s” baby, I’ve somewhat given up on the dismal state of today’s Crap Muzik as it is endlessly being churned out of all Hip Hop oriented media outlets (radio, television) like pork sausage out of a meat grinder. Understanding how the corporate monster operates, (exploitation until the point of oversaturation, or ‘point of diminishing returns), it’s clear that in our capitalistic society (eff a democracy, never was, never will be), the cause for the genre’s demise is far more complex than simply blaming one sole source. The factors leading up to Hip Hop’s current state is numerous and evolutionary, but also portrays the essence of everything under the sun, nothing stays the same, everything is impermanent. Adapt and evolve or get left the eff back. Understanding how EVERYTHING nurtured in Black culture (jazz, rock & roll, r&b , hip hop, soul food, style of dress, slang, sexy ass women of color, etc) has and will eventually be consumed, reinterpreted, remixed, cannibalized, dictated and spit out by our mass culture circus, it’s more than obvious that we’re all riding together in this church van to hell.

But lo’ and behold, the more things change, the more things stay the same.
I recently came across an example of some jig eager to get props by
attempting to create a “civil war” in the form of “80’s babies” vs. “70’s
babies” beef, thus upholding the tenets of the old Willie Lynch speech.

Peep game: “They Should’ve Never Gave You Niggas Corporate Cards”: How The 70’s Baby Executives Shaped Hip Hop Today For Better AND Worse

Dick-some-more’s thesis claims that the dismal state of today’s Hip Hop is in no way the fault of the ’80’s generation, but that the responsibility lies at the hands of cats like Hova and Damon Dash (Roc-a-fella), Irv Gotti (Murder Inc.) and other numerous music execs from the “Me Generation” that were instrumental in creating mad employment opportunities for idjits like him. Suck-much-more even gives a weak excuse in claiming that “us “crack babies” are only a product of our environment and upbringing” thus rendering him and his generation totally helpless from having any type of redemptive influence in resuscitating this Crap shit or in creating new types of art forms to bang to. That’s weak dude, last I heard, “excuses are tools for the incompetent”. But hey, let me, for a moment, bitch up and subscribe to this lame’s theory that today’s environment is too eff’d up and oppressive to create new, hyped unprecedented shit. Comparing today’s environment to yesteryear, us 70’s niggas faced, experienced, lived through the following (in no particular order):

welfare in abundance, the explosion of the crack epidemic, the introduction of a deadly new disease by the name of AIDS, effd up polyester suits, the tail end of bad exploitation flix, fug ugly ghetto chicks, no shortage of blowed up tenement buildings in our urban cities, Reaganomics in full effen effizect, Billy Dee Williams, White boys and rock music reigning supreme, effeminate r&b dudes heating up the charts, disco, Son of Sam, shags and jherri curls, NBA niggas rocking nut hugging briefs on court, effed the effed up subway systems, no cable TV, the 77′ NYC Black Out, no West Coast (or Dirty South) dick licking, (shit, no effin West Coast), original NYC gangs like the Jolly Stompers and the Tomahawks, Olde English 800, trey bags, no MTV Cribs just cracker jack ass Life Styles Of The Rich And Famous, Dallas, Dynasty, The A Team, Fantasy Island and Love Boat, no lap tops, no cell phones, raw unprotected sex (yes!!!) , no Rolex, no Bentley’s, no MTV, no corporate Black Cards, no Hip Hop publications, no Hip Hop videos, no Hip Hop radio, no Hip Hop clubs, no Hip Hop blogs, NO EFFIN” HIP HOP !!!! Now, if my memory serves me correct, niggas didn’t waste their time getting their boxers all up in a bunch and cryin about shit and their environment, niggas manned up and evolved.

Now before I get dismissed as being a “grumpy old man, living in the past and hugging my De La Soul Is Dead cassettes”, ain’t no T La Rock, Just-Ice Jordache shit over here son. To all my new niggas repping the 80’s baby set
correctly, no stray shots aimed your way (whaddup Bol, Eskay?). This ain’t
about East vs. West, 70’s vs. 80’s, old vs. new, it’s about niggas and bitches, money and power, and a grown man learning one of his son’s right and proper in the middle of the street.

Now, I can understand Dick-some-more’s frustration with 80’s Babies supposedly having a tough task at hand, but yo, that’s life dun. Buck the eff up or get the eff out of the way! For the life of me, I can’t understand how niggas like you allowed Laffy Taffy and Yung Joc niggas to run ya’ll ragged like track meets. Seems to me it’s waaaaaay past time for yellow purty mouthed ijgs like this kid to stop their blood clot cryin’. A good start would be to remove cracker jack’s nutt sacs from yer tonsils and getting Saigon’s unit from being stuck waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay up from inside you!

Nullus.

B.M.F.O.A.T. WANNABES (Team Rocket Re-Up)

Friday, April 27th, 2007

mojo jojo

Being the Baddest Motherfucker Of All Time is like the highest award you can achieve. Evar! It’s like you melted your Nobel prize and your Grammy award and then poured the moten metal on top of an Oscar. Then the Queen of England knighted you. That is how big being on the DP Dot Com B.M.F.O.A.T. list is. Real talk. So you can’t blame people for trying to crack the list which will cement their legacy of badness.

You have to have the most depraved sense of humanity if you are going to be a B.M.F.O.A.T. and you need the tools around you to help you properly execute your plans of terror. A lot of people fall short of badness greatness. Yeah, they’re bad and the whole nine, but they aren’t great at being bad. They are still in the minor leagues of bad azz talent. They are the the second stringers on Team Badd Ass. The following list is dedicated to the bench warmers to the badness crown.

m.j. MOJO JOJO
What good is being a genetically engineered genius primate if you can’t keep your azz from being pwned by elementary schoolgirls? MOJO JOJO has a swankier lab than the Professor and he still can’t seem to get his shit straight. This also reminds me… How effin’ hot is Ms.BELLUM?

sheed RASHEED WALLACE
RASHEED has tons of technical fouls, but hardly any actual arrests. He’s certainly no ISAIAH RIDER and not even a DAMON STOUDEMIRE. This man plays in Detroit and has never even been arrested with a gun in his possession. Get your hardbody weight up RASHEED, or put a smile on your fucking face.

team rocket TEAM ROCKET
I can’t front, when Pokemon first debuted I was addicted to that shit. It was compelling television because it taught children to be self-reliant and creative with their dispute resolution skills. Team Rocket was the contant foil to Pikachu and his owner. Would you have me arrested if I said that I always watched the show in the hopes that JESSIE from Team Rocket would have a nip slip? How much of a loser are you in real life if you dress up and play a team of losers?

team rocket

team rocket

zarkon COBRA COMMANDER
Who was funding this schmuck? C.O.B.R.A. had all kinds of fancy equipment and secret lairs that would have cost millions or even billions in 1980’s money. This dude never won shit, but he managed to keep the lights on. There should have been a coup inside C.O.B.R.A. and his mask should have been removed. Destro would have been a more bad azz leader except for the fact he was ghey and in love with the Commader.

zarkon JAWS
JAWS was JAMES BOND’s nemesis for a couple of movies before he ran off with some young chick wearing braces. Give him credit though for bringing his grills into mainstream culture. Just ask the folks fom ‘BLING: The Hip-Hop Jewelry Book‘.

zarkon KING ZARKON
This is the dude that Voltron pwned for life. He’s ugly as hell, but his bad azz talent… Not so much.

norey MANUEL NORIEGA
What a total beanbag this fuck up became. RONALD RAYGUN, GEORGE BUSH Sr. and OLIVER NORTH brought more cocaine into this country and sold more guns to Central America than anybody in the history of selling guns and trafficking cocaine and none of them spent a minute in jail. As a matter of fact, OLIVER NORTH is a televsion celebrity (on FOX, of course). NORIEGA tried to derail the flow of blow through Panama and look what he got for his trouble. Sucker!

rushell RUSH LIMBAUGH
And who can forget this pill popping crack addict?!? Because he has such a masterful control over the masses the conservative braintrust hasn’t revealed that he stays high on opium. Can you imagine what kind of smackhead you would have to be to advocate long prison sentences for habitual drug users when you are in the bathroom during every single audio break shoving tabs of OxyContin down your throat like Tic Tacs?!? If we found him dead in his home with some strippers pantyhose twisted around his neck it still wouldn’t mitigate the damage from this asshole’s carbon footprint.

DEJA VU FOR G DUBBZ (Throw Some D’s On The Re-Up)

Friday, April 27th, 2007

g dubbz

Wikipedia is the greatest online resource next to this website and it tells me that ‘deja vu’ is a French word for ‘already seen’. Paramnesia is the scientific term for the phenomena. People that experience deja vu have said that an eery or strange feeling accompanies the notion.

tiger

G DUBBZ and his henchmen have been giving tons a deja vu rhetoric lately to keep the fear in people’s hearts. The Administration has lately taken to labeling any critic of their policies a Nazi sympathizer or Communist. This tactic was a lot stronger during the Darth Sidious BUSH Sr. administration because there were still people alive that remembered the Nazis and the Communists. I think its cheap and disingenuous to invoke the bad guys from previous generations when we have so many bad guys that are current and contemporary who need some shine. Why can’t we let some young new bad guys come up in the game?

That’s why DP dot com should be any future politicos one-stop shopping for consulting. We can help you keep your propaganda fresh and relevant. Speaking to Generation iPod+ is our specialty. Get at me BARACK.

Let’s say hello to some of the new bad guys…

baron karza

BARON KARZA
I can tell that your scared already. G DUBBZ should equate Iran’s leader with the bad guy from the Micronauts universe. Dude has a crazy arab sounding name too. Even if you aren’t familiar with the Micronauts you have to admit that BARON KARZA looks bad. Dude is dressed in all black and he can transform from a kick azz humanoid to a kick more azz centaur. Scary.

baron karza

UNCLE RUCKUS
UNCLE RUCKUS is important as a domestic bad guy because he can help us continue the demonization of the undereducated, disenfranchised Black male. Do you remember all those folks that committed crimes against their families and then blamed it on Black guys? Memo to white that kills it’s own family: From now on you can blame your indiscretion on UNCLE RUCKUS.

“President BUSH wanted to get off his plane and help those tar people in New Orleans, but he was fearful that UNCLE RUCKUS would try to get him” -TONY SNOW, White House Press Secretary

uncle ruckus

ninja

NINJAS
Try to imagine for a moment the fear inside Middle America if G DUBBZ said that North Korean leader KIM JONG IL was planning on sending ninjas into America. Ninjas are total badasses that can sneak around at night, fly and make themselves disappear. I don’t know about y’all, but I see the polls shooting upwards in double digit numbers. Not only are ninjas ruthless killers, but they are hell’a fastidious. Do you see how neat this ninja keeps his CD collection? I’d be terrified of anyone who has a MICHAEL BOLTON slow jams collection in chronological order.

ninja

kaiser KAISER SOZE
As always, the best bad guys are the ones that we can’t see. Forget the fact that they don’t even exist, but if you can convince the people that terror waits for them around the corner in the post office or the supermarket then you can make anybody and everybody a terrorist. Scare the people into becoming shut-ins with only their televisions to provide them with reality.

The operative word here is terror and it has to be used like a bludgeon. The Nazis and the Commies had their run, but now its time for some new villains to take center stage. Mr. President, your photo op awaits you.

MUSLIM MARCH MADNESS: R.I.P. BORIS YELTSIN (The G’z Up Re-Up)

Friday, April 27th, 2007

The TURTLENECKS vs. The TURBANS goes into overtime.

turbanecks

Forget about the Dallas Cowboys and the Washington Redskins, this is the most classic of rivalries on the planet. I am not saying that an actual cowboys and redskins matchup couldn’t get bloody, but how many injuns did you ever hear of owning a Lawes ground-to-air missile launcher?!? Thank you.

So you ask, “Who are the Turbans? And who are the Turtlenecks?” Honestly, that’s a hard question to answer. It’s like trying to figure out the racial designation of a MARIAH CAREY and a TIGER WOODS. There’s a big ass gray area when you try to get all ethno-specific so instead I want you to think of these people from the perspective of sports teams. Actually, they are just like interstate rivals.

The Turbans best player was the AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI.

He was like the DAN MARINO of the Middle East game. He couldn’t win the big one even though he burned down the record books. No, seriously. He literally burned down all the books in Iran as he established the Islamic theocracy they have today. Theocracy is all well and good, but you still need some long scrilla to win at this game and the Turbans weren’t playing with the best looking paper either. At least they kept it rial.

keeping it rial

The Turbans cheerleader pin up calendar could never be mistaken for the Dallas Cowgirls, but when in Tehran you do what you can with what you have.

2-4-6-8 who do we appreciate?

One of my theories as to why the playa better known as the Ayatollah couldn’t get over the hump was because of his coaching staff. The Turbans were coached by a group of guys who historically couldn’t win the big one.

cool 'stash THAT OLD CRAZY GUY
This coach had the best moustache that side of TEDDY ROOSEVELT, but he didn’t listen to his assistants too well. I think he killed them all.
Gorby COACH GORBY
The coaching gets somewhat better because the offensive game plan is completely changed. It is switched from a system that required sharing the ball with everyone (communism) into a more focused system which only allows for one scorer while the rest of the team supports that player (capitalism).

Coach also had a cool map of the Ukraine tatted on top of his head.

big yeller BIG YELLER
Of all the previous coaches, BIG YELLER, had the most charisma. The problem was that he never made a lick of sense since he kept flask of Georgi inside his jacket pocket.
coach p COACH P
Peep the JEFF VAN GUNDY combover.

The Turtlenecks have been coached by Uncle Sam since the beginning. Hell, Uncle Sam hasn’t just been the coach, he has been the director of player personnel too.

saddam

Ever since they picked up free agent SADDAM HUSSEIN the team has pretty much remained intact. Uncle Sam used the Turtlenecks to keep lesser teams in check like the Taliban for instance. Think of the Taliban as a bunch of streetball players from the And1 Tour who want to take a shot at playing in the big leagues. You know these streetball niggas aren’t really coachable and eventually they will bite the hand that feeds them. SADDAM was good at keeping these fools in their lane with a mixture of intimidation and extortion. Just as an aside, I have to give props to the turtlenecks or their snazzy uniforms.

saddam

The Turtleneck cheerleaders weren’t any easier on the eyes than their Turban counterparts.

smells like team spirit

Don’t try to pay for that shwarma kabab at the Baghdad diner with these dinars. Turtleneck currency currently isn’t even worth the paper its printed on. (I apologize for all of that alliteration, but my job is to make you read and not just look at the pretty pictures)

dinars club

And the best part of all this crap that you just read is that the game isn’t over yet. Tune into the 2am SportsCenter for the final score.

BAY’BRO (The Re-Up)

Friday, March 23rd, 2007

karate kito

Editor’s note: Not that I have to explain a gotdamned thing to anybody, but today is KITO’s born day so I repost this drop for him as well as myself.

There is only one thing that I regret on the daily about myself and the selfish years I spent away from my family. I regret leaving my little brother behind. I regret that he was the collateral damage in my war against my parents, but more specifically my dad. He didn’t deserve that from me because all he has ever given me from the day that he was born was his love and his trust.

He and I had one of those large splits (9+ years) which comes almost part and parcel with the modern Black family. His biological father was Mr.PENN, and if you were to ask me about my father, DALLAS, I wouldn’t have been able to describe him. Mr.PENN was the only dad that I ever knew. DALLAS had been a computer engineer when he and my mom were married. Back when computers had fuse bulbs and were the size of living rooms. He worked for Columbia University and the perks there included a plush apartment on Riverside Drive. My mom always tells me about the maids’ room. That was all before the alcohol and that white bitch heroin became his new fidelity.

Crestfallen and abused my mom returned to the safety of Queens. To her mother’s mother’s house in the quiet neighborhood called Corona. She returned to college after having left Howard University to elope with DALLAS. She worked during the day. She attended night classes at New York University. That is where she met Mr.PENN. I know this story because mom still has the mind to recall it. As far as I knew when I was a kid there was only Mr.PENN.

KITO which is Ibo for precious jewel was born on a cold March Friday in 1979. He was a handful of trouble for someone who had become accustomed to being alone. KITO and I had to share a bedroom because my dad’s younger brother lived with us too after their dad had passed away in Petersburg, VA. KITO was always into my shit like my AFX collection, my baseball cards and my most prized possessions, which were my comic books.

key n me

My mom told me that he liked to mess with that stuff because he saw the attention that I poured into my hobbies. Try telling an eleven year old that he has to let his kid brother ‘read’ his comic books. I mean he couldn’t even read and he drooled on my books. Nonetheless, my dad would make me share with my brother. His lesson to me was to watch how he took care of his own brother because one day he and my mom would be gone and there would only be KITO and I left remaining. So I begrudgingly shared my time and my toys. To tell you the truth it really wasn’t all bad having a kid brother. He was my Saturday morning cartoon remote control. He knew how to mix a can of soda with a cup of Kool-Aid. He was my personal umbrella holder.

co-op city

My dad never stopped drilling the idea into my head that I had to look out for my brother. And I did as much when ever we were outside in the neighborhood. I was years older than all of his peers and I was one of the popular kids in our enclave so he was protected and secure. That was until I became a teenager. Whatever hormone that clicked inside of my brain that told me that I no longer needed to heed my parents’ advice doomed my relationship with my brother. I argued and fought with my parents often and poor KITO would be in his room under the covers crying. What else would you do if you were six years old and the people that you depended upon for guidance and support were at each others’ throats.

jamrock

My problem was that I was still so selfish. Nothing mattered to me, but me. I wasn’t mature enough to understand that my fractured relationship with my parents put my brother in no man’s land. He loved my parents dearly, but I was his idol. This has to be similiar to the emotional ravine that children of divorce face. My behavior in their house and my illicit conduct outside of it left my parents little choice but to expel me, even though it was before my eighteenth birthday. I can remember the tears in my brother’s eyes when I packed up a duffle bag and an oversized black garbage bag. I don’t think he thought he would see me again.

I knew that wasn’t the case at all, but I was so stupid and reckless and I was determined to prove a point to my parents. I thought that my brother would be taken care of since my dudes that I came up with were still close by. VICEBERG was one of my oldest friends and his mother was my baby brother’s GODmother. S.W. was another dude that I had trusted with my life on many, many occasions. I thought that I could trust him with my brother as well. My ego was naive and self-centered so instead of leaving my brother with friends I had unwittingly left him with the wolves. They devoured his heart and his mind and left him without hope in utter despair. There will be some stories that I relate to you in this forum that are for adult eyes and ears only. You will learn about my wanton depravity, my failures and my almost execution. These unadulterated stories are not for children and by relating these events to a child you create an emotional void that is almost impossible to fill.

newport, r.i.

I can’t blame those boys for filling my brothers head with my nonsense. It was my job to be my brother’s keeper and I failed miserably. My brother went to the other side of the neighborhood just as I did. When I fell into the throes of cocaine and methamphetamine abuse my kid brother was being turned on to chronic by one of the dudes I previously mentioned. All the while being told that I was doing the same thing that he was. I realize now that was my fault, and my fault alone.

My brother’s arrest for assault and robbery is because of me. My brother’s failure to complete high school is my doing. His jail sentence can be traced to the night that I left my parents’ home. On these pages you will come to see how my immature foolish ego has caused me to lose everything that I ever cared about. However, all is not lost yet. Although Mr.PENN has joined the great GOD in the sky the old Earth still remains. As does the precious jewel.

GOD please help me to reclaim my precious jewel.

precious jewel