Archive for the ‘The Re-Up’ Category

DirtyJerz’ Remix Request Drop…

Monday, March 1st, 2010

diddy

DirtyJerz is one of the commentors on this page that always puts his money where his mouf is [ll]. I can extra appreciate that since fam-a-lam isn’t even working right now. Everytime he sends me a package [ll] he str8 laces me. So when the homey puts in a request for some remixes we have the staff over here at DP.com get right to it. The staff of course being me.

DirtyJerz, it’s ya’ berfday. And you know we don’t give a fux…

FrankenBerry Is The G.O.A.T. Breakfast Cereal…

Thursday, January 21st, 2010

frankenberry


Editor’s note: The OG drop was quiet classic. Now we’ve added more Vitamans with the IC videos.

Ever since Passion of the Weiss and Straight Bangin’ put together their G.O.A.T. Hip-Hop albums list I been straight up list crazy. Okay that’s not true because I have always been list crazy and today’s crazy list is for all the breakfast cereals that are so good, because they are so loaded with sugar that if I ate a salad bowl of one of these joints now I would go into a diabetic coma. Youth might be wasted on the young, but breakfast cereal and Saturday morning cartoons at my great-grandmother’s house are my earliest thoughts of heaven.

I don’t care what any of you say. FrankenBerry is that CRACK! Count Chocula and BooBerry were aight, but FrankenBerry was the fuckin’ truth. Just peep how Frank is on the front of the box beasting out over a bowl. Niggas eyes is at half mast from all that purple. Them joints would stay at just the right crunch in milk too. If I ran one of these fuckin’ industrial companies that made weapons in one division and breakfast cereal in another I would make kiddie cereal for adults. Reduce the sugar by adding real fruit or some shit. I don’t know how they do it and I don’t need to know. I’m the idea man and my ideas flow way better with a big ass bowl of FrankenBerry.

king vitamin

Most of y’all younger cats is too green to remember King Vitaman but this joint was another one of them Saturday morning treats that my great-grandmother used to lace me with. I used to be jumping all over her crib and climbing the walls like my ass was a gotdamned monkey.

lucky

Fuck what you heard! Lucky Charms was gooder than a muvv up in that muvv. Lucky Charms was that shit to make your milk change colors too because it was sprayed with so much powdered sugar. To this day I could eat like two of them little five dollar boxes in a weekend (Sat-Sun). And why does cereal cost so damn much now?

smack

That’s exactly what these joints were… Smack. Sugarized puffs of rice and a fuckin’ Puerto Rican coqui frog who dresses like a horse junkie. Shit tasted good though. Word is bond.

wheaties

Frosted Wheaties were the shit because regular Wheaties were fucking boring and them shits would sogg out in two seconds. It was like eating wet cardboard. When the T.I.’s put that sugar on the Wheaties them shits became sweetened mushy cardboard. Deee lish.

mini wheats

When I got a little older I started to feel a kind of way about going to the supermercado and buying kiddie cereal so I butched up my style with the Frosted Mini Wheats. One time I made the mistake of filling my bowl with these joints. I damn near cracked my jawbone trying to eat all these joints. The real plus was that I took a rope of a shit.

Whites Were The Original Niggers…

Saturday, December 12th, 2009

og

Instead of trying to stop people from using the word nigger we should be trying to have as many people use the word as possible. That is how you put the word in its proper place. For generations it has been a term of derision for African Americans and no Black people have been courageous enough to study the roots of the word. Not the Alex Haley ‘Roots’ which are powerful for sure, but the etymology roots, the beginnings, the genesis, the O.G. usage. It wasn’t a bad word in the beginning because it described someone’s occupation.

In America we have done such a good job of reconfiguring language that most of us don’t recognize what we are describing when we talk. That’s why your cousin Billy Sunday comes here to XXL Mag Dot Com. I come to bring the light to the dark. Not that Dark, because I don’t think he has the mental capacity to go in too deep. The dark in the figurative obfuscated sense. I imagine that’s why most of you come to these threads in the first place. You want someone to make some semblance of sense out of this fucked the fuck up American pie. Since you came through, let’s go in…

The roots of the word nigger are northern European. The Dutch settlers that came to America to find their fortune were land owners back in their old country. Who else would have the scrilla to contract a ship to bring them across the Atlantic? These wealthy land owners were enticed at the idea of the Americas being a land of gold and riches. In order to build their settlements and their communities over here similar to the establishments they held in Europe they had to bring their entire staff as well.

You don’t think they made their sons and daughters build their houses do you? That back breaking manual labor was the job for their indentured servants. The settlers charged their servants money to come over here. The idea was that the settler would grant their servants a plot of land to live and which to farm just as they did in the Netherlands or whatever they called that shit they came from. What the settlers realized was that there was a shitload of land here in the Americas and to settle all of it, because let’s be honest, when is white ever gonna be happy with just owning half of everything, they would need more laborers.

og

The Indians were bad laborers. Now when I say Indians I am referring to the ancestors of the dudes that drink too much and own all the fucking casinos. Not the dudes that can’t hold down their liquor and own all the Qwik-E-Marts. Those are hindudes. We’ll get to them in a minute. The Indians were lousy servants because they had this funky attitude like “Why should we work for y’all motherfuckers when we was living here, eating deer, and minding our own business?” The settlers then decided to merc’k the Indians something like how the Red Sox are gonna kick Cleveland’s ass. Except the settlers did that shit more fly than the Red Sox. The settlers handed out blankets filled with smallpox.

Back to the issue at hand… Where would the settlers get more of the laborers and farmers that they need to capitalize on all the open space that the Indians were giving them? The key industry that made the Americas so valuable wasn’t so much precious metals or minerals, but agricultural products. Unlike Europe, which was mostly craggy and cold, the Americas were a fertile, healthy landscape where all types of plants, fruits and vegetables prospered in. You know how much cake you could make in Europe selling agricultural products? Wild amounts. The settlers needed bodies to help them stack that guap, ya’ dig?!? But even better than bodies, the settlers needed specialized farmers.

In the old country farmers were the backbone of the community. You could trust the man that spent his waking hours digging in the dirt or driving the team. The plowman was literally the salt of the Earth. This motherfucker walked behind the team of animals and by the end of the day he was up to his knees in shit and animal piss, because you can’t tell an ox or a mule when or where to shit and piss. They do that shit and it becomes fertilizer for the crops. That’s why the plowman can’t come into the house to eat. Mom dukes ain’t having that fool track animal shit all around the house. The plowman sits out back and gets his meals sent through the kitchen window. In Germany, or Deutschland, or whatever the fuck they called that shit, the plowman was called the negger. That described his job. That’s what the people called him. No big deal either, and keep in mind this is whites calling other whites this shit.

At that point in time the human condition didn’t separate themselves by skin complexion, but by language and respective nationality. The idea of using skintone as a system for separating people was adopted by the Europeans from the hindudes who had a setup that divided their priests from their farmers and manual laborers. The hindudes caste system appeared to the Europeans as social stratification according to skintone since the priests were essentially lighter skinned than the farmers. No big surprise to me though since the farmers were outdoors all of the time. Anyhoo, the Europeans never really bother to ask questions about shit they don’t understand, they shoot first and let God do all the sorting and paperwork. The Europeans needed farmers in the Americas and there were some damn good farmers in Africa, or Nubia, or whatever the fuck they called that shit back then. The Europeans had found their neggers.

og

At that time the Europeans from the north called dark skinned people Schwarz. That’s the Deutschland word for black. The Europeans struck a deal with the a-rabs from the Mediterraenean region to deliver them some of the best farmers and laborers from the fertile regions inside central Africa, or Nubia, or… You know where the fuck I’m talking about. The a-rabs have been doing this slave ship since the Code of Hammurabi days so that was nothing for them. The a-rabs were slick and they played the Africans against one another. They basically had the Hebrew farmers in the central region stuck up by the gentile Africans. Most of you so-called Black people here in America are actually Jews, but that is a whole ‘nother Sunday school drop.

Check this foxy shit out… White don’t play that shit when it comes to keeping his stacks in order. Why you think he labeled an area of Africa the ivory coast? Or the gold coast? Because that is where he steals that shit from. That dude is so hardbody that he labels the map to tell him where to go to get the natural resource he wants. He labeled a whole region in central Africa NEGGER because that was the shit he was mining from that region. Negger eventually begets Niger just like tomatoe begets tomato. They are the same things no matter how they are spelled now. Shitloads of schwarze neggers are brought to the Americas from Africa.

FYI, Billy X. Sunday Fun Fact: Schwarze Negger = Black Plowman

Back to the lesson… The schwarze naggers aren’t just brought to America for their agricultural skills and their labor. They are brought here under a systemic organized platform of terror. Families are purposely separated. People from the same ‘hood are also divided and deposited in different areas. There was never a system of slavery on this planet that treated the human with such an utter lack of humanity. Being a plowman was never this bad. America’s neggers were the beasts of burden and not the oxen. Let’s face it though. If you are gonna do some shit that is fucked the fuck up you might as well do it like you’re doing it for t.v. Despite all the bullshit these neggers perservered. I call that God’s sense of grace, because there were millions of people that didn’t survive the four months at sea in the cramped hull of a boat while they slept in their shit, piss, vomit and blood. If you ended up in America you were meant to be here.

Fast forward past all that Civil War shit to the time in America when manufacturing and industrialization supplanted agriculture as the steam machine that powered our GDP/GNP. America began to develop a class of people that were not land owners nor farmers. The people that still worked in agriculture typically did not own the lands that they labored upon. There were African Americans that were becoming educated and even land owners themselves. This is when the word nigger becomes a slur. It no longer describes the persons occupation, but in a manner it assigns a caste to the person. To tell someone that no matter how straight their hair is, or how fancy their clothes are they will always be subservient is a statement of social mobility.

og

The word nigger was used mostly by the transplanted immigrants from Germany and Ireland. They escaped famine and disease in their former homelands only to find that America was not so much the land of wealth as it was the land where you maintained a racial hegemony. If you didn’t maintain this color line you jeopardized your possibility at achieving the ultimate cultural lottery ticket which was to step into the ruling class. This is how supremacy works and it is the obligation of white to keep this shit rocking or else we could have a chink as the president one day. Yeah racism sucks wild balls, but what other choices do we have? I don’t care who your favorite rapper is, racism, and the word nigger is here to stay.

The reason I give you this drop today is to support NaSir Jones and the projected title of his latest album. White created the word nigger and they used to call each other the word too. Most likely as a term of affection I might add. I can see some old European land owner standing on his porch and looking over his land as Johann or Bernhard or whatever the fuck his name was worked in the field. That’s when the land owner would say to his fellow land owner, “Johann is my nigger.” I don’t think it’s right to forbid white from using the word nigger, especially not from forbidding him to call other white nigger either. How else are white going to be able to request the title track from NaS’ new album on the radio? You know white is going to be buying that shit too.

Now that we have agreed on the name for NaS’ new album can we help my nigga select some beats?

stillmatic

MUSLIM MARCH MADNESS: The DRAZEN PETROVIC ReMix

Wednesday, October 29th, 2008

The TURTLENECKS vs. The TURBANS goes into overtime.

turbanecks

Forget about the Dallas Cowboys and the Washington Redskins, this is the most classic of rivalries on the planet. I am not saying that an actual cowboys and redskins matchup couldn’t get bloody, but how many injuns did you ever hear of owning a Lawes ground-to-air missile launcher?!? Thank you.

So you ask, “Who are the Turbans? And who are the Turtlenecks?” Honestly, that’s a hard question to answer. It’s like trying to figure out the racial designation of a MARIAH CAREY and a TIGER WOODS. There’s a big ass gray area when you try to get all ethno-specific so instead I want you to think of these people from the perspective of sports teams. Actually, they are just like interstate rivals.

The Turbans best player was the AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI.

He was like the DAN MARINO of the Middle East game. He couldn’t win the big one even though he burned down the record books. No, seriously. He literally burned down all the books in Iran as he established the Islamic theocracy they have today. Theocracy is all well and good, but you still need some long scrilla to win at this game and the Turbans weren’t playing with the best looking paper either. At least they kept it rial.

keeping it rial

The Turbans cheerleader pin up calendar could never be mistaken for the Dallas Cowgirls, but when in Tehran you do what you can with what you have.

2-4-6-8 who do we appreciate?

One of my theories as to why the playa better known as the Ayatollah couldn’t get over the hump was because of his coaching staff. The Turbans were coached by a group of guys who historically couldn’t win the big one.

cool 'stash THAT OLD CRAZY GUY
This coach had the best moustache that side of TEDDY ROOSEVELT, but he didn’t listen to his assistants too well. I think he killed them all.
Gorby COACH GORBY
The coaching gets somewhat better because the offensive game plan is completely changed. It is switched from a system that required sharing the ball with everyone (communism) into a more focused system which only allows for one scorer while the rest of the team supports that player (capitalism).

Coach also had a cool map of the Ukraine tatted on top of his head.

big yeller BIG YELLER
Of all the previous coaches, BIG YELLER, had the most charisma. The problem was that he never made a lick of sense since he kept flask of Georgi inside his jacket pocket.
coach p COACH P
Peep the JEFF VAN GUNDY combover.

The Turtlenecks have been coached by Uncle Sam since the beginning. Hell, Uncle Sam hasn’t just been the coach, he has been the director of player personnel too.

saddam

Ever since they picked up free agent SADDAM HUSSEIN the team has pretty much remained intact. Uncle Sam used the Turtlenecks to keep lesser teams in check like the Taliban for instance. Think of the Taliban as a bunch of streetball players from the And1 Tour who want to take a shot at playing in the big leagues. You know these streetball niggas aren’t really coachable and eventually they will bite the hand that feeds them. SADDAM was good at keeping these fools in their lane with a mixture of intimidation and extortion. Just as an aside, I have to give props to the turtlenecks for their snazzy uniforms.

saddam

The Turtleneck cheerleaders weren’t any easier on the eyes than their Turban counterparts.

smells like team spirit

Don’t try to pay for that shwarma kabab at the Baghdad diner with these dinars. Turtleneck currency currently isn’t even worth the paper its printed on. (I apologize for all of that alliteration, but my job is to make you read and not just look at the pretty pictures)

dinars club

And the best part of all this crap that you just read is that the game isn’t over yet. Tune into the 2am SportsCenter for the final score.

The BUSH Administration = The DARK SIDE of the FORCE (Rethuglican ReMix)

Wednesday, September 17th, 2008

orphan annie

Real life often imitates art because art is so much more fun. There was also a time when art wasn’t simply disposable entertainment. It had a permanence and a relevance to our lives that transcended generations. Art contained the messages of morality and mortality, art described the human condition. Nowadays there isn’t too much art that can hold claim to being relevant to anyone other than the artist themselves. Be honest, can you imagine the Black Eyed Peas having a recording contract two years from now?

The STAR WARS saga has gripped our minds for nearly three decades because it has been good art. Not only have the movies been viscerally stunning and groundbreaking, but they have contained the components of a classic morality play. The eternal struggle of good versus evil, the prodigal son, the horny sailor woos the sexually supressed princess, you know, all the great stories from the Bible. The biggest parable that is displayed in this saga is the theme that “absolute power corrupts absolutely“.

To this extent I see such a direct correlation between the STAR WARS saga and our current presidential administration. The powers of a government should be dedicated to the freedom and liberty of its citizens. This current administration has used fear and the threat of violence to paralyze us, forcing us to choose between life and liberty as if these two precepts were mutually exclusive.

In the end I still believe that good will triumph over evil and the universe will eventually right itself, but in the meantime and in between time I will try to appreciate all the good art.

the boss of bosses
PRESIDENT GEORGE H. BUSH = DARTH SIDIOUS
The former president is the boss of all bosses. There isn’t a damn thing that happens on the planet today that President BUSH didn’t engineer decades ago. Before he was President he directed the Central Intelligence Agency, and before that he was a major player in Beltway politics. Just like Chancellor Palpatine rose to power while simultaneously enabling the Republic Seperatists as Darth Sidious, President Bush installed Saddam Hussein and the Ba’ath Seperatists only to chop them down like a tree when he decided that he no longer needed their shade. One word – gangsta!

billy wanna cracker
PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON = MAS AMEDDA
MAS AMEDDA is essentially the umbrella holder for Chancellor Palpatine. Think of him as an extra-large parrot.

condarth
SECRETARY of STATE Dr. CONDOLEEZA RICE = DARTH VADER
I know that some of you will disagree with this at first but try understand why I have selected CONDI for this spot instead of G.W. The main reason is that CONDI still has more destructive potential if she is elected President in 2008. She has already put Iran on notice. From her years of working inside the Russian and Middle Eastern intelligence machines she has an intimate knowledge of the Galactic Empire loyalists in those regions second only to DARTH SIDIOUS PRESIDENT BUSH Sr.

Incidentally, the Rebel sympathiser Sudanese president OMAR al-BESHIR better protect his neck if Dr.RICE does become president after that dustup during her visit last year.
condarth

darth dubya
PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH = DARTH MAUL
DARTH MAUL was an important character because his skill showed you just how powerful his master was. One of the additional factors that led me to choose this character for the current president is the fact that his dad would probably sacrifice him to save his favorite son, NEIL.

grand moff cheney
VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY = GRAND MOFF TARKIN
GRAND MOFF TARKIN was ultra loyal to the Emperor and he was an evil bad ass to boot. The Emperor uses TARKIN to keep an eye on the hot-tempered DARTH VADER so that he doesn’t choke everyone out on g.p. As an aside, do you think it was CHENEY that kept CONDOLEEZA from putting rat poison in COLIN POWELL’s coffee? Anyhoo…

my uncle name is tom
SECRETARY of STATE COLIN POWELL = COUNT DOOKU
COUNT DOOKU did what his master, DARTH SIDIOUS, had instructed him to do and when he was no longer needed, he was terminated.

half human half amazing
PRESIDENTIAL ADVISER KARL ROVE = GENERAL GRIEVOUS
GRIEVOUS was a critical member of the Sith forces because he was an excellent strategist. KARL ROVE has shown that he has an uncanny ability to plot strategies for the Bush administration. When the President appears weak in the public polls ROVE has taught him to just blurt out three simple words – GOD , abortion, terrorism. Its a masterful strategy that hasn’t failed yet.

rummy
SECRETARY of DEFENSE DONALD RUMSFELD = ADMIRAL ROMODI MOTTI
What had happened was they was having a Cabinet meeting and RUMOTTI got out of pocket talking about how we was going into Iraq with guns blazing and how we was going to kick that Iraqi azz like it stole’d our mammas pocketbook, but then CONDARTH was like, “Stop talking so much shiite and just get some positive results, the President is down 25 points in the Gallup polls!” She put the Force choke on homeboy but then she let him go when GRAND MOFF CHENEY told her to chill out.

do not trust a man without a moustache
DIRECTOR OF HOMELAND SECURITY MICHAEL CHERTOFF = MAJOR GENERAL MAXIMILLAN VEERS
Both characters rose to prominence from humble means and both are extremely intelligent and ambitious. VEERS curried favor with the Emperor by commanding the ground troops during the battle of Hoth. CHERTOFF will attempt to make his mark by thwarting Mexican day laborers from crossing the Rio Grande.

F.Y.I.: Most of the illegal immigrants in America have come from Eastern Europe and they simply let their visas expire.

tough guy tom
DIRECTOR OF HOMELAND SECURITY TOM RIDGE = HIGH GENERAL ULRIC TAGGE
GENERAL TAGGE would tell anyone that would listen to him that the Rebellion posed a serious threat to the Death Star. It turned out that he was right. Because protecting one’s arse is essential to survival you listen to people when they tell you that you are in danger. I believed TOM RIDGE even when the colors for the U.S. terrorist threat level began to resemble the rainbow flags in a Greenwich Village ‘PRIDE’ parade. The kicker came when I found myself buyings cases of duct tape and cellophaning my apartment. I wonder if TOM RIDGE is now on the board of directors at 3M?!?

seperated at birth
ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT = ADMIRAL FIRMUS PIETT
The interesting connection between these two characters is that they can only make political advances by default when their supervisors are dead. ADMIRAL PIETT is continuously promoted when the Imperial Fleets’ commanding officers err and VADER terminates them in his special way. While he was an incumbent Senator, JOHN ASHCROFT lost a Senate election to a man who had died almost a month before the election! WTF?!? That’s my Bush.

bernie, you coulda been a contender
NYC POLICE COMMISSIONER BERNARD KERIK = LIEUTENANT POL TRIEDUM
How many of you remember this Imperial Officer? He was one of those characters in the O.G. STAR WARS movie that you knew was created to be cast away. I consider him lucky to have even been given any lines to read. The BERNARD KERIK character seemed equally tragic when he was offered a position on the Beltway only to be shredded to pieces. It was so brutal that he couldn’t even go back to his job holding the umbrella for RUDY GIULIANI.

stupid is as stupid does
I. LEWIS ‘SCOOTER’ LIBBY Jr. = ADMIRAL KENDALL OZZEL
I always wondered how a guy named SCOOTER could be a Presidential advisor, but that thought has been rendered moot thanks to SCOOTER’s bumbling antics and duplicitous conduct regarding the leak of confidential information. ADMIRAL OZZEL was relieved of his duties by DARTH VADER with the classic movie quote…

“You are as clumsy as you are stupid”

brownie
FEMA DIRECTOR MIKE BROWN = CAPTAIN LORTH NEEDA
Just like CAPTAIN NEEDA, F.E.M.A. Director MIKE BROWN was overmatched in skill, wits and motivation. Everything was going well for ‘BROWNIE’ until that blasted Black bitch of a hurricane, Starrkeysha, blew through the Gulf Coast. Up until that point it had been just like the old frat boys days when DUBYA and BROWNIE called each other by their nicknames and shot their pistols up in the air. MIKE BROWN won’t even be a footnote in the history books, but his ineptitude will have reverberations for decades.

jabba banks
EXXON-MOBIL CEO LEE RAYMOND = JABBA THE HUTT
Physical similarities aside, both characters have an even closer resemblence in their attitudes. LEE RAYMOND is nefarious for playing on both sides of the court. Wasn’t Exxon (formerly Esso) guilty of selling oil to the Viet Cong during the Vietnam conflict?!? LEE RAYMOND essentially told the Senate to kiss his grits when he was questioned as to whether gas prices were artificially manipulated.

boba jeff
GENERAL ELECTRIC CEO JEFF IMMELT = BOBA FETT
In the STAR WARS universe, BOBA FETT may be the second most important character next to the Emperor. He has a significant role in both trilogies. The character is confident enough to make demands to DARTH VADER. In the sometimes real world that we all occupy JEFF IMMELT takes a seat to no one. GENERAL ELECTRIC is a multi-national weapons manufacturer as well as a global communications conglomerate. Basically, they can send a fighter jet to shoot you a brand new azzhole and then report it on an NBC affiliate’s evening news that some reederkuless blogger has gone ape shit.