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Predictions For 2029…

Friday, January 2nd, 2009

I think I will zag while most people are zigging. I will still Zig-Zag in 2009, actually, I am doing more bonging and bowling. I never really zagged at all. Especially since the Gonzaga basketball team is affectionately nicknamed the ‘Zags in the mainstream sports media. White men can’t jump. My point is that I like to do shit different not just to do shit different but to do shit on a more futuristic level.

How many nickel and dime fools are talking about 2008 like that shit was all that? Nothing happened in 2008 that is gonna change shit in 2009, but in 2016 we will have the first woman president of the United States of America and that will bring all kinds of crazy shit into our lives. We won’t even hardly be listening to rap music by then. The kids will be listening to this crazy melding of country music, salsa and R-n-B that was created by WyClef, T-Pain and Taylor Swift during a threesome they had in Mexico.

If you hate auto-tune you might should kill yourself today. The hottest christmas present in 2010 was this cellphone that converts all voices into that robotix sound you hear next to the MySpace captchas. That shit is fresh homeys. The best part is that all the people with emphysema that have had their tracheas removed don’t feel so fucked the fuck up anymore when they speak in public.

In 2029 some of us celebrate the 20th anniversary of the demise of MTV. It was a tough pill for MTV to swallow in 2009 that upon turning 28yrs old they were irrelevant and laughed at for their vain attempts to control the younger and stronger YouTube and its cousins like MetaCafe, Kyte and Vimeo. That and the legions of disgruntled former Viacom employees who help found the indie artist music network called fMtv (I pray one of my friends copyrights this).

Thankfully there are still some things that harken back to the simpler years like 2008…

DMX is arrested weekly.

T.I.’s gospel music tops the charts.

Asher Roth is widely considered the greatest rapper of all time.

No female rap records are released, but Jean Grae wins an Oscar for her portrayal of Leslie Uggams.

Jay-Z and BeYonce admit to being married after she hires cryogenically frozen attorney Raoul Felder to file divorce papers.

XXL Columnist and iNternets Celebrity Billy X. Sunday dies in fiery bus crash in Cuba.

Posted in BeYONCE's Hair, Black Bullshit, Crappers, Ghetto Celebs, iNternets Celebrities, Ninjas, Social Upheaval, Talking Shit, When I Reminisce... | 3 Comments »

American Graph-iti…

Thursday, January 1st, 2009

You big dummy!

There is something that I find humorous about the visceral nature of humanity. We give far too much credit to our eyesight for our peace of mind. Seeing is believing, or so they say. Well whatever happened to faith? And our guts? People don’t trust their intestines for anything anymore, but I bet you that a scientist would pull out your innards and tell your life story as if they were reading a papyrus scroll. This is because we lack soul collectively. Stop believing what your eyes are telling your brain.

A few days ago I posted a drop here and at the X spot to talk about the mainstream media’s account on the mortality of the Black male. Now for those of us that are, ummm, Black males, this isn’t any particular news that we haven’t likely experienced in several forms. Even the fact that it appears to have worsened isn’t surprising to us. Sad to say. In the wake of this newsstory I was inspired to create a graph which described the relationship of Black male mortality to the commerce of music that highlights Black male mortality.

The internets went nuts thanks to ProperTalks, but the only thing people focused on was the graph I created. No one wants to deal with the story on how we are all complicit actors in the drama of supremacy. People want to quibble about a gotdamn graph that doesn’t mean shit. This is because people lack soul. Even Black folks. I know that Black folks like to think they inherently have a conscience but CLARENCE THOMAS, CONDOLEEZA RICE and ROBERT JOHNSON are all proof positive that having a soul is nothing that is mutually racially exclusive.

The truth, without the use of a graph or even an article in the supremacist apologist NYTimes is that the Black male is the most marginalized and disenfranchised person on the planet. This maintains the hegemony of supremacy and assists the design of capitalism. This is why we can afford to buy t-shirts at Wal-Mart for $2 and why this country is building prisons faster than they are building schools. 1 out of every 100 Americans is in prison right now.

Do you need a graph for that?

The R3MIX

Proper Talks: NYT Report on Murder Rate of Black Teens is Misleading
The Atlantic: The real problem with black on black crime
MotherJones: Gangsta Rap ≠ Street Violence

Posted in Black Bullshit, Ghetto Celebs, iNternets Celebrities, Social Upheaval | 6 Comments »

Smarten Up Gaza…

Monday, December 29th, 2008

Israel has spent enough time fucking around with the Palestinians already. If this were back in the days America then the Palestinians would already have been given their free winter blankets laden with smallpox. If Israel were as serious about supremacy as they pretend to be they would have been kidnapping Palestinian children like the Australians do to the aborigine. Memo from Tel Aviv: the time for bullshitting is over with.

The sooner Israel does their Khmer Rogue impression the sooner the handful of Palestinians left can transform their image in the same way the native Americans did. You may not remember that after the native Americans realized that the Euro settlers weren’t just on holiday all shit broke fool. The native American nations were labeled terrorist organizations and the colonial government got on that shoot to kill shit they pull out when a land grab is on.

The native Americans lacked the coordination and the overall hardware to fucks with the colonials. It didn’t take too long before they were overwhelmed with technology and brute force. No one can withstand that combination. That’s like chasing crystal meth with Hennessy and Red Bull. But just for good measure the native Americans were smacked up with some wicked biological warfare to make sure they knew their place.

This is how Israel will have to deal with the Palestinians once and for all. The settlers are just like the colonists. They like the land and they ain’t gonna leave it. Technology and brute strength will insure that the settlers stay in place. This scenario has been repeated ad nauseam throughout human history. Find a Carthagenean if you can and ask him how Rome did their thing. The sooner Israel satisfies their genocidal tendencies the sooner the Palestinians will have the chance to live prosperously. Those that are left, you know, ABBAS and a few of his friends.

Look at the native Americans and all the benefits they have now because they only exist primarily in museums. There is the Mohegan Sun and countless other “Injun” themed gambling resorts. The native Americans have also been immortalized throughout the institutions of higher learning and professional sports as the mascot of choice. If the Palestinians would just hurry the fuck up and die I don’t see why we couldn’t swap our beloved Chief Wahoo for a Sheik Abu.

Smarten up Gaza.

Posted in Black Bullshit, Harpers Weekly Review, No Boutros Boutros... Ghali, Social Upheaval, Sports are Gay, When I Reminisce..., white, Wig Owners | 13 Comments »

Murder Was The Case That They Gave Me…

Monday, December 29th, 2008

How are these fossils not dead yet?!?

The U.S. murder rate spikes for young Black males while gangsta rap CD sales decline.

Even Fisty Scent, who has been the only steady commodity during this decline is losing his luster. The Fisty Scent MTV reality show titled ‘The Money & The Power’ has been shelved indefinitely.

Peep the graph I just made which charts the precipitous decline in gangsta rap music sales and the steady increase in mortality for Black males…

The tipping point for rap music, and subsequently the Black male mortality rate was in 2006. That was a pretty tumultuous year for weed carriers and shitty rap albums. Kingdom Come, Idlewild, Like Father Like Son, Bred 2 Die Born 2 Live, The Big Bang, Hard To Kill, Blood Money, King, and Pac’s Life?!? Do I have to fucking continue?

NaS wasn’t just being prescient when he said that ‘Hip-Hop Is Dead’, he was just looking outside of his window at all of the young Black boys that were chopping each other down like sugar cane stalks. If I were some kind of economist, sociologist or even a community activist I might prA’li study the correlation further to see if maybe the t.I.’s were spurring Black youths to kill each other since they obviously weren’t buying CD’s any longer, but I’m busy now on another project called ‘Moving Out Of My Mother’s Basement’.

Maybe one of the freedom fighters on this site will pursue this story further, but I doubt that anyone really gives a fuck. You know, what with the economy still being fucked the fuck up and it being winter and Zwarte Piet not having enough Wii consoles to give out.

The silver lining that I see in all the carnage is that it appears that real thugs are back to doing real things and leaving all the poseurism to the pretty boys and the artistic types.

At the end of the day what does this news herald for 2009?

Skinny jeans killers.