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I think we finally have found some competition for Mz.BeYONCE.

Surprisingly, MARIAH CAREY has sold more records than anyone ever in the history of the world and she is crazy as all fuck. Take it from us. She dated BILLY SUNDAY during his homeless, wheelchair years. He helped her get right after that split with the Godfather, but then she got ‘Glitter’ in her eyes and she left him for DEREK JETER. Being the class act that he is, BILLY SUNDAY only has warm words when describing his time with MARIAH.

BLU CHEEZ however is a hater. BLU CHEEZ has watched the tragic mulatto chanteuse transform herself from a lithe A-cup siren into a bawdy D-cup soft core caterwauler. BILLY SUNDAY must still be in love because he thinks MARIAH can match Mz.Be point for point. BLU CHEEZ says that BeYONCE is the top of the world. I will put my money on the bear. Let’s see how it breaks down…

MARIAH CAREY
1) Can you say her name – 100 (more jiggs name their babies MARIAH)
2) Can she pay her bills – 100 (MARIAH is 43 years old so of course she has more hits than BeYONCE)
3) Is she a survivor – 100 (BILLY SUNDAY’s ex, TOMMY MOTTOLA’s ex, DIDDY’s ex, O.D.B.’s ex-girlfriend)
4) Does she have a soldier – 100 (more downloads on U.S. Army computers than JENNA JAMESON)
5) Cater to you – 100 (Honey)
6) Dangerously in love – 100 (O.D.B.’s ex – see above)
7) Bootylicious – 100 (all we need to say is one thing – the ‘Loverboy’ video)

MARIAH CAREY’s BeYONCE FACTOR totals = 700 points = a tie score with BeYONCE KNOWLES!!!

***UPN NEWS ALERT***
Russian Olympic judge recalibrating MARIAH’s totals removes 100 points from factor #7 because he explains that MARIAH’s “Bootyliciousness” is actually the product of years of surgery and the installation of silicone.

MARIAH CAREY’s revised BeYONCE FACTOR totals = 600 points

HA! BeYONCE KNOWLES is still the queen of this shit!

For all of you keeping score at home or on the job, the BeYONCE Factor has been reconfigured slightly for better usage. The amended scorecard should reflect the following…

1) Can you say her name
2) Can she pay her bills
3) Is she a survivor
*4) Does she have a soldier – (if you dont recall, JAY-Z mased R.KELLY’s azz for getting too friendly?)
5) Cater to you
6) Dangerously in love
7) Bootylicious

A big shout goes out to my financial adviser EXTRA P for figuring out the rating system of the BeYONCE Factor. Yes, we at the weblog use BeYONCE songs to rate celebrities on how close they compare to the most fabulous of all women in the universe – Ms. BeYONCE KNOWLES.

Here’s a quick rewind of the format for your information…
In parentheses are the factors that give someone a high or low score depending on how we rate them. If a subject does exceptionally well with a factor then they should receive the full allotment of points(100). I would like for you to add a factor of two if you could. We love BeYONCE here at the weblog but we don’t own any of her albums. BTW, we consider DESTINY’s CHILD as BeYONCE featuring two backup dancers.

1) Can you say her name – (how ‘Black’ sounding the name of the subject is scores the most points)
2) Can she pay her bills – (cash rules everything around us – does the subject have any?)
3) Is she a survivor – (has the subject had to endure scandal/controversy?)
4) Baby boy – (has the subject ever had an abortion?)
5) Cater to you – (would you want a backrub from the subject?)
6) Dangerously in love – (does the subject find themself in a
relationship that can’t last?)
7) Bootylicious – (this should speak for itself)

This is the BeYONCE Factor and today’s subject will be CONDOLEEZA RICE. Mrs. RICE does have a lot of things working in her favor like the fact that she has ascended to one of the greatest levels of modern American government that a person of African ancestry has seen. Unfortunately, Ms. RICE might argue with you about the whole African ancestry thing. No matter though, the BeYONCE Factor crosses all racial/socio-economic strata. To prove this we will also plug JESSICA SIMPSON into the Factor just to see her BeYONCE-tality. Here we go…

CONDOLEEZA RICE
1) Can you say her name – 100 (only a sister could have this name)
2) Can she pay her bills – 100 (you best believe she owns stock in EXXON/MOBIL Corp)
3) Is she a survivor – 100 (anyone know what happened to COLIN POWELL?)
4) Baby boy – 0 (thank GOD that Roe v. Wade is already a law)
5) Cater to you – 0 (her idea of room service is sending a smartbomb thru your kitchen window)
6) Dangerously in love – 50 (you think she’s ever kissed GEORGE BUSH in the mouth?)
7) Bootylicious – 0 (only DARTH VADER would be attracted to the woman
pictured above)

*BONUS FACTOR
8) Soldier – 100 (she’s got the whole U.S. military holding her down)

CONDOLEEZA RICE’s BeYONCE FACTOR totals – 450 points

JESSICA SIMPSON
1) Can you say her name – 0
2) Can she pay her bills – 100 (MTV show, movie deals, lip-syncing engagements)
3) Is she a survivor – 0 (no street cred from this camp?)
4) Baby boy – 20 (since she is from Texas we gotta give her the benefit of the doubt)
5) Cater to you – 10 (she’s a sweet girl, but she prah’lee can’t boil water)
6) Dangerously in love – 60 (how many of us still speak to the person
that we lost our virginity with?)
7) Bootylicious – 60 (she’s got a nice little seat… for a white girl)

JESSICA SIMPSON’s BeYONCE FACTOR totals – 250 points

So as you can see from our continued experimentation, there is no one that can hold a candle close to BeYONCE KNOWLES.