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Wig Owners: Sue Simmons’ Wig Brushers…

Tuesday, July 29th, 2008

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SUE SIMMONS is the GOAT news anchorwoman. She has outlasted the KATIE COURICs and the KAITY TONGs. Name another newscaster that can let fly the expletives and still maintain their primetime position as a talking head? Even male anchormen can’t get away with that shit.

The advantage that has kept SUE SIMMONS on top is her wig crypt. In nearly thirty years I have never seen her lace front get turned sideways. Thanks to Bossip.com for these iconic images.

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Native New Yorker Sue Simmons takes charge at Rockefeller Center from day one. Damn baby, who brushes your wigs?!?

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The late 80’s saw Simmons representing Prince in her purple splendor.

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The 1990’s were rough for Sue. She always kept a crispy Huck Finn wig though. Just in case she might have to cut a motherfucker.

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Can’t tell her nothing. SIMMONS in the 2000’s

Now a whole new crop of grey-green eyed beauties is vying for the position of lightskint info queen. These broads all have the right complexion that America trusts, but do they have their wig weight on full?

SOLEDAD O’BRIEN
Soledad kills shit on CNN. With Afro-Cuban and Irish all mixed together its a small wonder she hasn’t been caught cussing on camera.

SUZANNE MALVEAUX
I love me some grey-green eyes and I love a chick with a hard to pronounce last name. I wouldn’t mind spending springtime in Paris with Malveaux although another Suzanne would kick my arse.

WENDY WILLIAMS
The self-described queen of all media has stepped up her lacefront game with her morning show on Fox. Someone needs to help her with her brushing technique though if she wants her wigs to last.

ALISON STEWART
Microsoft has a monopoly on their computer operating system. Let’s just hope that they don’t start monopolizing all the pretty lightskints with the Boneturals.

FREDERICA WHITFIELD
Frederica is another CNN dimepiece. She is the weekend action. Basically a side order to your O’Brien entree.

AMY HOLMES
To keep these proceedings “fair and balanced” we are including right wing strategist Amy Holmes. Don’t think for a minute that her kiss on a fellow correspondents cheek is anything less than the kiss of death for Black males. Holmes only dates the white.

TYRA BANKS
Tyra’s wig game has been on an incline but does she have the camera presence to be a face that you want to see every day? C Webb didn’t think so.

TANISHA MALLETTE
The figurative dark horse of this lightskint bunch of lovelies is my homegirl Tanisha Mallette. During my wild and crazy high school years Ms. Mallette had a crush on yours truly. When I recently saw Ms. Mallette in NYC she looked at me up and down and burst out laughing. Her remarks were, “and I had a crush on YOU!”

This drop was shamelessly swaggerjacked from the Underwriter…

Posted in BeYONCE's Hair, Black Bullshit, Ghetto Celebs, Lust = Love, Wig Owners | 13 Comments »

HELLO DOLLY!

Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008

The Gulf states are shaking in their boots again because a serious storm teeters off the coast. I’m not believing the hype since this hurricane is named Dolly.

Dolly is a white chick name. White chicks bark is always worse than their bite. Peep how CYNTHIA RODRIGUEZ was talking all that divorce shit until Gay-ROD [ll] put a few more zeros on the right side of her checking account. Same as CHRISTIE BRINKLEY. She got mad paid from her husband, but did she get all LORENA BOBBIT style on his manhood? Nahh, because white chicks get the money.

Black chicks come through to tear the house up. Just look at Hurricane Starrkeysha. Wild amounts of dead people along with billions of dollars in property damage. As soon as you see a Black chick unzip her weave, remove her earrings and put vaseline on her face you need to get your ass outta Dodge. At that point she don’t care who gets fucked the fuck up, but someone is catching a bad one. If this next hurricane was named Shaniqua then you already know shit would be getting hectic.

**Non-Sequitur**
Everybody know that Fisty Scent’s baby moms burnt down that crib. I’ve watched enough ‘Law & Order’ episodes with C.S. to be able to put this shit together real easy. Fisty Scent had a court order for homegirl to vacate the premises. A court order can be executed by sheriffs so Fisty wouldn’t even have to get his hands dirty. Shaniqua prA’li started the whole damn thing by throwing that nigga’s platinum plaques into the fireplace. If any of you ever made a campfire you would know how that shit gets good to you. Shaniqua was combing the house looking for other shit to burn like Fisty’s crappy G-Unit sneakers and t-shirts. One of those flaming embers must have touched the ‘We On Fire Tonite’ G-Unit curtains and the rest is history.

This is my point though. A hurricane named Dolly will not burn down your house like an angry Black bitch with a face smeared with petroleum jelly will. You might have a broken window or two and some paint scratches on your car, but after you kick up a few bucks your shit will be back on the road.

*My second non-sequitur advice for the day is DO NOT get the tittays augmented. C-cups are actually more than we need. I personally prefer a B-cup and nipples the size of golf balls. If you really want to fuck around with your tittays have your surgeon implant two-thousand more nerve endings on the areola. I love that long hair that grows on the areola. I try to bite it. Then I tries to lick it. I uses it to floss with. Then I kisses it.