Archive for August, 2006

BILLY SUNDAY Explains ‘Chicken Noodle Soup’

Wednesday, August 30th, 2006

warhol soup can

Campbell’s Soup Can by ANDY WARHOL = teh ghey pop art masterpiece

It seems like another dance craze has captured the fancy of jig children in the ghettos. When these kids aren’t playing on the X-Box 360 consoles or smoking crack they are creating nifty little piccaninny dance moves. It’s part of the wonderful creative nature of jig babies which is sold to the world as wholesale archetypal racial behavior. One of the problems that we older jigs face is that the youth are constantly trying to parody our worst behavior. It’s not like the kids try to copy us when we are doing the right thing. But if we are out here fucking up you can best believe there will be a gang of munchkins trying to do what we do.

Do any of you rememeber the dance called the ‘Harlem Shake’? It was originally called the ‘Vibrator Orgasm’ after one of the little harlem jig kids watched his mother convulsing after she placed a Magic Wand inside her behind. Now the ‘Chicken Noodle Soup’ has replaced that dance. ‘Chicken Noodle Soup’ is the act of urinating on someone inside the shower. The ‘Can of Coke on the side’ is when you do a number two. I thought everyone knew this, but apparently the idea of these acts are all the rage of negros nationwide.

Do you know how long it took me to find a Black girl that would let me pee on her let alone defecate and smear it like it were cocoa butter?!? And now everyone is jumping around and dancing about it. I suppose I could blame ROBERT SYLVESTER KELLY for making this all popular with the youth, but who is responsible for this change of attitude with more mature females. I have been to restaurants with Black girls who won’t eat unless the flatware is washed in front of their eyes, and now they are dancing around to the notion of being peed upon. “Let it rain, clear it out, let it rain some more”. When did little Black girls become such freaks?!?

I guess I should just be patient and wait for some jig kid to invent the ‘Boston Clam Chowder with a glass of red Kool-Aid”.

clam chowder

CHE’s Going To DisneyWorld!

Wednesday, August 30th, 2006


I’m pretty sure I told you humps that Hurricane ERNESTO was going to be problematic.

It seems like ERNESTO ‘CHE’ GUEVARA is fed up with us Americans usurping his image and selling it on t-shirts. How ironic is it that an icon of socialism has one of the hottest t-shirt graphics in the bastion of capitalism? Somebody better give Y.T. his props for always being able to flip the script on you after you are dead.

So how does CHE exact his revenge on America? He becomes a category 4 hurricane out of Cuba with a little help from his old school comrade CASTRO. During his stay in Florida I expect Hurricane ERNESTO to visit DisneyWorld for at least a day. They’ve built the place up so well. He needs to go to Space Mountain and get himself a set of ears.

It’s a small world after all.

Music Videos Killed The Hip-Hop Star

Tuesday, August 29th, 2006

princess 50

MISSY ELLIOT for a time was producing the most creative and groundbreaking music videos that Hip-Hop had ever seen. Her video with LIL’ KIM and DA’ BRAT for ‘Sock It To Me‘ was fun and filled with attitude. Eventually MISSY fell into the rap record industry remix trap of being forced to make the same ol’ dance video for all of her latest singles. Record labels are scared as shit to produce anything different for their rap acts no matter who the artist is.

The Roots Crew put the video together for ‘What They Do‘ how many years ago? The fact that the video is still relevant today is the problem. The answer is for the artists to become their own video directors and producers. Not in the way that JIM JONES and DipSet do their thing, but more like this…

You have to admit that the choreagraphy is tighter than any chicken noodle krumping or whatever.


Tuesday, August 29th, 2006

pimp soup

I can’t think of a movie with Black people in it made in the last ten years that doesn’t have TERRENCE ‘SLICKBACK’ HOWARD in the cast. Dude has become ubiquitous like those cheap Chinese slippers you see all the girls wearing. I am not saying that he is a cheap performer or brings a cheapness to the projects that he works on because he actually does the opposite.

I saw the Outkast movie over the weekend and SLICKBACK essentially outperformed everyone else on the screen. Not just Andre3000 and Big Boi, but everybody, including the veteran VING RHAMES. I am happy for SLICKBACK because he is singlehandedly bringing lightskin brothers back to the top of the Negro pecking order. We have been in a helluva drought since AL B. (I blame KIM), but SLICKBACK is putting in some mean green eyed work.

If I were a rapper trying to become an actor I would think twice about being cast opposite SLICK. Dude is letting everybody know what’s really good right now and it ain’t CURTIS.

curt and slickback

COMBAT JACK: Number #1 With A Bullet!

Monday, August 28th, 2006

apocalypse now

Editor’s note: Combat Jack’s reply that should have squashed all of the divisive language about 70’s babies versus 80’s babies must have fallen on the deaf ears of XXLonline’s secondstring staffer Sickamore. So it looks like the kid has decided to step into the arena where grown azz men come to put in work. I wish people would get their minds’ right and stop calling everything a hustle. Hard work isn’t a hustle. Growing up in the world isn’t a hustle either. A hustle is trying to make ends off other folks’ backsweat. A hustle is trying to earn a living by selling something that you know nothing about. Leave it to Combat Jack to learn the youth before the apocalypse.

“Back In ’88 When I Was Pushing Weight, You Was a Ballerina, I Got The Pictures, I seen ‘Ya”
-quote from a “70’s” baby

So the other day, I get this surprise e-mail from “THE 80’s baby” over at XXL. Dude reached out on some squash the beef shit. Peep game…

Subject: Dude, lets just end this shit!!!

Date: 8/20/2006 4:15:32 AM Eastern Daylight Time

From: “Sickamore” []


Dude, this shit has got to stop. Why you tripping on me man? You and I both know that my ’80’s baby shit is just a gimmick and I’m running with that shit as long as I can. Why can’t you older cats have a sense of humor? Can I live? Even before your post on the internet last week, my boss Craig Kallman at Atlantic has been barking the fuck on me about my lack of decent signings on the label’s roster and how I’m literally “1/2 a step from getting my nigga ass ejected the fuck out of the building”. In addition, there’s a rumor circulating through my circles that my boss over at, Elliot “YN” Wilson isn’t really feeling my recent posts, all double guessing whether he made the right decision to pay me monthly to write, and is even thinking about replacing me. Combat, I CANNOT AFFORD TO HAVE THIS SHIT CONTINUE OR BUBBLE UP TO THE SURFACE. PLEASE STOP ATTACKING ME. I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO YOU!!!!!!! I really thought about that Willie Lynch shit you dropped and you’re right man, we shouldn’t be beefing against each other. Yo, I know this real cool sexy ass coffee shop in downtown Brooklyn where, you know, we might be able to break bread, build, uh, maybe collab on some shit. My treat! Plus, they serve a mean Vanilla Latte with whipped cream and nuts!!!! Delicious! I’m thinking, yo, that shit would be ill if we did some Jigga and Nas, team up shit on some of my future posts right? ILLMATIC!!!!!!

On the real tho, I’m a nice guy and could really learn a lot from you about how shit went down before I got on in this music shit. You really can’t blame a young nigga like me for popping his collar on some ’80’s shit. Maybe you did the same when you were coming up. Right? Btw, what do you think of Saigon’s latest shit, hot right? I hear you about his picture on his myspace page, but yo, dude’s chest is just so oiled up and massive!!! I heard that chicks dig that, plus it’s only entertainment! Well anyway man, I’m trying to be on my grown man shit about this and am willing to let bygones be bygones. You’re really funny and when we meet (I hope), I promise I’ll put in a good word to Elliot about squeezing you in on the roster. That would be hot, right? Anyway, if you’re cool with this, please hit me up at Also, let me know if you know any hot artists looking for a deal, I could really use that shit right about now, nahmean? I’m looking forward to you reaching out CJ, that would be hot! Right? Come on man, let’s do the damned thing. Peace,

Your lil homie (I hope),


Sheesh, that shit made me feel a bit sorry for the young fella. I do know something about his track record as an employee, especially since his ex-boss Gary (a T.I.) at Beat Street Records in Brooklyn (a record store dude, not a label), used to personally complain ad nasuem to me about how dude was a really piss poor employee (dee jaying in the showroom and sweeping up the stock room). Gary even told me that in an attempt to boost dude’s morale, even though Beat Street never had an effin record company, they used to pay him like $150 a month (on some fake “a&r” shit) to put together weak Beat Street branded mix tapes consisting of several whack local Brooklyn crap niggas that all sounded like a poor man’s version of Jigga, just so the T.I. run store could maintain a good relationship with their younger black rap buying clientele.

Now, I really don’t know where Sic’s going with his e-mail to me, what with all this nonsense about linking up for some latte with nuts and “teaming up”. Nullus on all counts. Dude, er, thanks but no thanks! Plus, you really don’t have to go through the trouble of putting in a good word about me to your boss. But yeah man, I’ll increase the peace. I really hope that shit works out at Atlantic as well. Plus, I’ll do my best to turn a blind eye to your limited 80’s baby gimmick. Do you man. I know my place, it’s your turn scrap, you got the juice now. Plus, trust me son, I don’t need to prove to you that I’m Black, not caucasian. I happened to come across this picture of you trying your damned best to impersonate a 70’s baby? Uh, what’s up with that Sic? Last I heard, Cazal’s was strictly ’70s dun, plus that shit is looking real suspect, what with the lite gloss all up on your lips and all (ewww!)


I don’t ever remember real dudes rocking rims and wearing MAC lipglass like that back in the day. Come to think of it, that must be some the 80’s baby shit you brag about. That is you in that picture right?!? I’ll let you tell it.