dallaspenn.com

You know what I think is fucked the fuck up? Nobody ever gives praise to GOD for having a great bowel movement. All things come from the one and a truly magnificent movement is divine. Just think about the crazy machine that is the human body. Think about all the food that you eat that isn’t brown, but then GOD blesses you to process that food and break it down for it’s nutirents and vitamins and whatever, and then you discard it like you never even ate it. I remember one weekend that I ate like six cans of tuna. Come Monday morning my dump smelled like tuna oil. Thank you Jesus.

I bet some of you pray and hold hands before you eat. You should hold someone’s hand and pray to GOD before you take a shit as well. Thanking GOD and praying for a healthy, nutty log. I like to eat corn without chewing it so I can see what my shit schedule is like. I create a doodoo blanket in my toilet bowl by leaving several plys of t.p. inside the bowl. In this way I can extract the log for examination.

I check for a sturdy consistency and a nice saddle brown coloration. If your doot is too yellow that means you need to increase your iron and vitamin C intake. If you stool is really dark brown then you might have some intestinal bleeding. I think it’s important that we all examine our dropoffs as we get older in order to maintain a working knowledge of our own personal infrastructure.

I hold my poop in my hand to see how firm it is. Sometimes I leave it on the windowsill in order for it to harden. After it hardens you can sculpt your doot into different shapes and motifs. I thank GOD for giving me the artistic talent to create lifesize human statues out of my feces. Everyone should pray to the Lord before their next visit to the poo poo throne. And all good things shall come from GOD. Amen.