If you get a chance to catch JILL SCOTT on tour this summer do yourself a spiritual favor and buy a ticket. I just came home from seeing ROBIN THICKE and CHAKA KHAN open up for JILLY from Philly. It was a festival for beautiful, big, Black asses too. They came in all colors and shapes and sizes. There was this one chick that was so red-boned that I could damn near see through homegirl. Sisters had their hair did too. There ain’t nothing that smells better than a Black woman in heat and ROBIN THICKE had the ladies moist.
I’m not mad at ROBIN THICKE either because at least he puts his money where his mouth is by marrying a sister. Dude is a cut rate JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE on the stage though. Nevertheless, Black women love them some ROBIN THICKE. He cooed and whined in that falsetto voice he uses and the entire Radio City Hall was putty in his hands. His set wasn’t too long either. He just did the hits and then he kept it moving.
CHAKA KHAN is great to see as always because she still has a powerful and dramatic voice after all of these years. CHAKA did a complete set of her classics and when she broke it down for ‘Sweet Thing’ you realized that whatever guy was smart enough to bring his lady with him to this show was going to be getting some head afterwards. I was that smart dude and now I am going to bed to receive my reimbursement for the ticket. I don’t have to swim with the sharks because I bring sand to the beach.
Bless the heart of my new young intern RM. He sent me an e-mail mentioning all the things that he wished we should turn into drops here at this site. When I asked him to write out one and do some research on it he never e-mailed me back. Dude quit his internship only three e-mails into the gig. I suppose that is reflective of the work ethic for today’s generation.
Well since we are left holding the bag that our weedcarrier has placed down I see no point in just letting a good idea go up in smoke. RM wanted to see a drop on all the different groups that PIDDY, the King of all Jigs, has sent to ruin. PIDDY is a prolific Wig Owner whose supreme talent appears to be bankrupting young artists. Not a singer, songwriter or musician, PIDDY has gone on to create several multi-platinum albums by over-exploiting the actual talent that he comes in contact with. Think about CLIVE DAVIS, QUINCY JONES, HUSTLE SIMMONS, BENITO MUSSOLINI and the Devil all coming together as a record industry executive and you still wouldn’t be able to beat PIDDY. He’s just that damn good.
PIDDY doesn’t create Wig Owners either. If you come into his camp as a brusher then you will remain one forever. And if you leave, don’t even think about taking a single wig with you. The Lox had to go on a New York City radio station and beg the public to help them in their demand to have PIDDY give them a wig. PIDDY’s got so many wigs that he gave one to the Lox, but that shit was ratty and nappy. JADAKISS and STYLES P have been trying to straighten that shit out for over a year. PIDDY is prah’lee somewhere laughing out loud while he styles on some more fools. Let’s face it, the King of all Jigs will own your wig until the last hair has ben brushed off that bitch. He won’t stop either, but that’s mostly because he can’t stop. Are you ready to walk with me down Wig Brusher memory lane?
TOTAL
Everybody was always calling Total a bunch of lesbians, which they weren’t, but they were instructed to play up the girl on girl friendly image because at the end of the day Black lesbians buy music.
SOUL 4 REAL
These were four brothers that PIDDY “discovered” and brought to Heavy D so that he could have his wig brushed as well. Their hit song ‘Candy Rain’ is still my shit. Everytime I hear it PIDDY gets richer and a puppy gets slaughtered.
FUZZBUBBLE
Who knew that PIDDY had a rock band? These dudes were like that 80’s group Mr. Big except they sucked worse and they never had a hit song.
THE LOX
PIDDY was so cheap that he charged the Lox $20 for every copy of their CD that they requested from him. The Lox ended up going to the bootlegger to buy their CD’s in order to give to their friends.
Kiss those Grammy’s goodbye when you write rhymes for PIDDY. You aren’t going to be getting credits on the album.
B5
B5 was PIDDY’s version of the Jackson Five and they even featured the underage brother that becomes a nymphomaniac.
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This was PIDDY’s take on the young adult contemporary R & B theme. He left these dudes so broke down and destitute that one of them had to take up robbing peoples homes via breaking and entering.
DANITY KANE
What the hell is a Danity Kane?!? Looks like PIDDY is making his way into the bedrooms of little suburban girls.
DA BAND
This was a train wreck even before they got on the tracks (puns always intended). For all of your information, Junior’s cheesecake ain’t even that good.
NEW EDITION
How fucked up must New Edition’s bankroll be if they all have to come to Bad Boy and brush wigs for PIDDY? These niggas catalog alone defines R & B from the 1980’s.
At the end of the day all of the wigs that these bands were brushing remained in PIDDY’s possession. The brushers themselves learned the hard lessons of life in the recording industry. PIDDY continues to search the Earth for more talented, young wig brushers to keep his empire well coiffed.
Q.T. is on fire again. With his ‘Grindhouse’ collabo with ROBERT RODRIGUEZ and his exec production for ELI ROTH’s ‘Hostel’ sequel, QUENTIN TARANTINO is making a night out at the movies fun again.
The ‘Hostel’ series of films brings horror flicks back to that HITCHCOCK level of psychodrama and blood spattering malevolence. This is no Freddy the 13th type B-movie gutwork either. This is full frontal nudity being impaled by the cast iron gate in the front yard of your high school. What were the best horror movies you ever saw?
‘Nightmare on Elm Street’ is that classic crack. Great direction by WES CRAVEN and the sickest hippie trip of a storyline.
‘Final Destination’ wasn’t your run-of-the-mill horror flick in that you never see a villain, but it still had fools dying each and every way until Sunday.
’28 Days Later’ reopened the apocalyptic genre for the new generation. ‘Dawn Of The Dead’ for Ritalyn kids.
‘Halloween’ was always one of my favorite horror franchises because JAMIE LEE CURTIS was that skinny piece of white poon that could get it all day long. Rob Zombie is supposed to be remaking the ‘Halloween’ film and I think he might just create something worth watching.
What classic am I missing here? There’s something on the edge of my mind and I can’t think of what it is. I’m such a fucking burnout sometimes. Somebody help me out and no. it isn’t the Friday the 13th franchise.
Update: Don’t forget the O.G. ‘Alien’ movie with SIGOURNEY WEAVER and ROBERT MOSELY. That shit is still my favorite to this minute.
The Wiggles are Koch Records number #1 selling rap group.
Someone at Idolator reviewed DP Dot Com and said we were a “Hip-Hop website” so I guess that means we should do some drops about cRap music once in a while. Heaven forbid we should get outside of our little box to the people that we will ultimately be working for.
Shouts to my folks at Koch Records who keep me laced with all their latest rap music releases. Lately (read: 2nd quarter), that has been just about anything in Hip-Hop worth listening to. You already know that JOELL ORTIZ is my nucka. Prodigy from Mobb Deep had a release on Koch this year that was better than I thought it would be. Actually, I’m feeling his shit (nullus) and I’m no big fan of the Bars & Hooks Gang. KRS-1 and cardiac kid Marley Marl collabo’d on another Koch album titled ‘Hip-Hop Lives’. Surprisingly enough, this album was decent too because KRS refrained from his usual didactic tone and he rhymed well.
Only a few years ago Koch Records was considered a homeless shelter for rappers who had lost their ability to secure a major label release, but people in the industry are starting to warm up to the idea of an indie label becoming big on the scene for Hip-Hop. It’s not like there isn’t a precedent for this shit in the recent past. Do you remember when Def Jam was the equal if not the protege of Columbia Records? I remember Enjoy Records, Sleeping Bag Records, hell, even Tommy Boy Records was an official indie label. What Koch Records has that will enable it to outlast the life of those former imprints is that same thing that Def Jam had. Koch Records has an open door to a wide range of acts. In this way they can’t be pidgeon-holed as a backpacker label or some other derogatory term for rap music that can’t shake it’s underground roots.
The most mainstream artist on Koch right now isn’t even a rapper, but a deejay. DJ KHALED has been releasing remixes for recent hit songs almost as much as OSAMA BIN LADEN releases videos from his hidden bunker. I attribute that to the Palestinian work ethic. African American deejays had better get on their grizzly before the record industry starts outsourcing these terrorists to make their mixtapes.
You already know them Muslim niggas be having the bomb.
You haven’t seen this feature in awhile because BeYONCE is an absolute beast on her competition. She whupped ASHANTI so badly, poor little hairy ba’ygirl can’t even get another album done. DAYYYUM!
She also took out MARIAH CAREY and JESSICA SIMPSON. BeYONCE even beat out my brownskin baby momma OPRAH WINFREY. But this Factor should be a good challenge.
RIHANNA is being groomed much the same way that BeYONCE was. Her handlers have been careful not to have her speak too much. They have conscripted the legendary rapper Jay-Z to be seen as a mentor to her causing a somewhat scandal in the press regarding his relationship with BeYONCE. I have even seen RIHANNA dressed up just like BeYONCE too. Do you think that RIHANNA could ever replace Lady B? Enough talk bitches, let’s factor…
Here’s a quick rewind of the format for your scoring information…
In parentheses are the factors that give someone a high or low score depending on how we at the website rate them. If a subject does exceptionally well with a factor then they will receive the full allotment of points (100).
1) Can you say her name – (the more‘Black’ sounding the name of the subject, the higher the number of points)
2) Can she pay her bills – (cash rules everything around us – does the subject have any?)
3) Is she a survivor – (has the subject had to endure scandal/controversy?)
4) Baby boy – (has the subject ever had an abortion?)
5) Cater to you – (would you want a backrub from the subject?)
6) Dangerously in love – (is the subject in a relationship that can’t last?)
7) Bootylicious – (this should speak for itself)
RIHANNA is actually more than ten years younger than BeYONCE in real life, but I wonder if her youth will serve her in The Factor. Here we go…
1) Can you say her name – 100 points (RIHANNA is just as jig-fabulous as BeYONCE)
2) Can she pay her bills – 100 points (three platinum albums in less than three years)
3) Is she a survivor – 100 points (from digitally voiced dancehall queen to synthesized pop princess)
4) Baby boy – 100 points* (she is 19yrs old from from Guyana and Barbados = minimum one abortion)
5) Cater to you – 100 points (did I say um-ba-rella already?)
6) Dangerously in love – 100 points (late night visits from the prez of Def Jam – you bet!)
7) Bootylicious – 100 points (do you know what 19yr old poon smells like? Legal seafood.)
RIHANNA’s BeYONCE Factor score = 700 points!
Holy crap! This can’t be possible. No one can equal in womanhood to BeYONCE KNOWLES. This has to be a mistake…
Update: The good folks over at Bossip Dot Com have helped us sort out this mess. The queen of all women BeYONCE KNOWLES would never let her angelic wings appear. RIHANNA, not so much. We just deducted 50 points from RIHANNA’s Factor score.