Archive for the ‘Jig Lit Review’ Category

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JUDAS, Snitcheth Be Thy Name

Tuesday, April 11th, 2006

j.c.

I should probably be deferring this story to the HUMAN RESOURCE over at StartSnitching.Com because he runs a ‘Snitch of the Week’ post that is always some good shiite. But since I am on somewhat of a religious high this week after rolling a blunt from the palms that my girl brought home from her visit to N’Awlins last weekend I will give it a shot.

It turns out that JUDAS ISCARIOT may be some kind of hero. Only in this post-millenial culture would we be able to lionize the man who may be the single greatest snitch of all time. Try to swallow this Christians… JUDAS did exactly what JESUS asked of him. WH-WH-WHAT?!? If you are really into the Christian program hardcore then you have to subscribe to the notion that JESUS was GOD’s only son. Being GOD’s only son, JESUS had to have access to the playbook which had him getting crucified and then rising and then floating away on a cloud yada-yada-yada. The thinking of some of these new age scripture scholars is that JESUS instructed JUDAS to snitch on him so that he could fulfill the prophecy and save man. JUDAS didn’t want to do this because he and JESUS were hell’a cool. JESUS was like ready to put the smack down on homeboy and tell him that he was messing the whole Christianity movement up, but then JUDAS capitulated and gave up J.C.’s 20 to the Roman legion. Doing this broke JUDAS’ heart and the story goes that he offed himself something similiar to that guy on the ‘Sopranos’ who hung himself in his garage.

judas

This new revelation about JUDAS drops just in time for Passover this week. The Gospel of JUDAS is purported to be the story of JUDAS and JESUS tight-knit friendship. There are hundreds of Gospels that have existed since after the death of JESUS. Most of them describe JESUS as an extremely charasmatic man, but definitely not divine. There are the stories that J.C. kept time with MARY MAGDALENE. Personally, I like the story about JESUS and the fellas smoking a lot of that sticky brown ground nah’mean?!? Hallucinogenic drugs can open the brain to some real trippy shit, but I wouldn’t suggest that you try any. Rappers with GOD complexes sell records. Regular (read:poor) people with GOD complexes = homelessness.

Posted in Black Bullshit, Ghetto Celebs, Jig Lit Review, Social Upheaval | 4 Comments »

HO’S GOTTA EAT TOO!

Saturday, April 1st, 2006

pretty woman

In the last several years pimps have had one of the best image makeovers that I can remember. From the seedy street corners into the recording studio and then to the forefront of the mainstream’s conciousness with acclaim and awards. Lost in all the talk about how hard a pimps life is has been the recognition of the people for whom without whose back sweat the pimp would have nothing. It seems that no one has any love for the ho’s. At least no one is giving ho’s the credit they deserve.

This summer will be filled with tons of women assuming the new hipster feminist dress code which seems to be that there is some meta-irony in dressing like a crack whore from the 1980’s.

hipster hos

Streetwalker street attire was never simply the foundation for low brow fashion. The GLAMAZON reminded me that ho’s have been the inspiration for haute couture since forever.

catwalk hos

Now it’s time for ho’s to receive the socio-political benefits that they deserve. No more public beatdowns from their pimps. No more running from the police. No more back alley blowjobs. It’s time to go A-list for real.

daisy duke

Here’s the rub though… for ho’s to receive their just due it will require a unification of all ho’s on a worlwide tip. I don’t just mean the hardworking ladies that often take one or two for the team on the professional strip, but all the ho’s that may not consider themselves to be prostitutes. The mothers, the daughters, the aunts and the grandmothers. All women have to stand up with the acknowledgement and realization that there is some ho in all of you.

bar skankz

It’s not just the skanks that hang out in bars and use their feminine power to sponge drinks off the men, but anyone with a cunt, young and old.

old twat

I mean admit it, you all love animal print clothing. You all have at least one pair of fishnet pantyhose in your stash. Some of you have them in flavors.

fishnetz

Without wholesale ho consolidation there will be no justice, and ultimately no piece of the pie that ho’s have worked so hard for so long to enjoy. Stand up and support the ho’s with DALLASPENN.COM.

Ho’s gotta eat too!

kiss

Posted in Black Bullshit, Jig Lit Review, Social Upheaval | 2 Comments »

DALLASPENN.COM: What The Game’s Been Missing

Friday, March 24th, 2006

shoes

The good news in bloggy’hood is that BYRON CRAWFORD has brought his ‘A’ game to the XXL website. This bodes well for everyone else in line to finally taste some of that sweet corporate poonahnee. The limousine rides, the open bars and buffets and most importantly, the whores. The sexy electronic print whores that will lick the azzhairs of anyone that has their name attached to a website with actual, not virtual, sponsors.

How do I know all about the industry paradise that awaits the BC dot C when I sit here in my parents’ basement with no shirt on, sipping Level vodka mixed with raspberry lemonade Crystal Light, from my favorite cup with the crazy straw (no brokeback, as always)? I know because I imagine it to be that way. Why else would you pour your heart and soul onto a webpage if there wasn’t any monetary return. I heard that the blogging game was just like the crack game, except you won’t have to give some stranger your parent’s color Trinitron for a $10 red-topped vial.

The real truth about writing is that there isn’t a pot of gold waiting or you at the end of the rainbow (didn’t I say no brokeback). There’s no car service waiting to pick you up from the airport, if your Black you may not even be able to catch a cab. There aren’t any sexy literary whores, just skanks.

You see there are three professions that people would do just for the love – 1) astronaut, 2) circus performer and 3) writer. Can you imagine the rush that comes from making people gaze in wonderment and then clap with applause. To be able to evoke that response without burning to a crisp upon re-entry or having to shove a Cirque-du-Soleil sword into your rectum makes writing the best thing in the world.

Corporate America knows this much and they contract writers to develop the campaigns that sell you all the bullshiite that you don’t need. Whether its a new pair of sneakers or the war on Iraq, someone wrote something down that started the ball rolling. And to this extent I will cast my lot. I may not make it to the promised land that BYRON CRAWFORD has entered, but I would be just as happy with a new crazy straw.

r2d2

Posted in Jig Lit Review | 4 Comments »

When Its Cold Outside, My PERSIAN KITTY Keeps Me Warm (ReMix)

Saturday, March 18th, 2006

kitty

After breaking my back to shovel my parents sidewalks and driveway I am back inside my warm apartment. The local college radio station is playing music that relates to the weather outside. I am now listening to the classic song by ELLA FITZGERALD and the great LOUIS ARMSTRONG.

I really can’t stay
(but, baby, it’s cold outside).
I’ve got to go ‘way
(but, baby, it’s cold outside).
This evening has been
(Been hoping that you’d drop in)
so very nice
(I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice).
My mother will start to worry
(beautiful words you’re humming),
and father will be pacing the floor
(listen to the fireplace roar).
So really I’d better scurry
(beautiful, please don’t hurry)
well, maybe just a half a drink more
(put some records on while I pour).
The neighbors might think
(but, baby, it’s bad out there)
say, what’s in this drink?
(no cabs to be had out there).

LOUIS had the right idea by lacing ELLA’s drink. Without question, this is the type of weather that you need to have a husband / wife / boyfriend / girlfriend / lover / jumpoff to share some hot cocoa with, spiked with a little BAILEY’s or DiSARONNO in it and then snuggle under the covers. I have a Ralph Lauren California king-size down comforter but here I am all alone. Just like last year, and the year before, and the year before that, and… well, you get the point. So I guess I will keep the blizzard tradition going by getting out the PALMER’s Cocoa Butter and watching some free porn. PERSIAN KITTY.COM is the best thing since sliced bread. Thousands of links to porn sites worldwide. Whatever smut floats your boat is on PERSIAN KITTY. S&M, bondage, kinky fetishes, beastiality, scat videos(from Germany, of course). The best part is that the site is totally FREE! I sure hope that this is the FREEDOM that G.W. BUSH was referring to during his inaugural speech.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Posted in Jig Lit Review, Lust = Love, When I Reminisce... | No Comments »

SPRING BREAK BITCHES!

Sunday, March 12th, 2006

spring break

I would love to tell you that BILLY, BLU CHEEZ and myself are on our way to Alabama to scrape us some hot young progressive Colored poon thanks to KEVIN POWELL, but that ain’t the truth. Instead we will be on hiatus as per the orders of CHOCOLATE SNOWFLAKE (you do know this is HER website?!?).

The first quarter is about to end so she wants to have a big staff meeting to see what direction this site is moving in. There have been a half dozen major projects that haven’t moved in awhile so I guess she is going to be cracking the whip on us.

Just because no one is at the office doesn’t mean that we are going to leave the site barren. The staff has picked some of their favorite posts to fill the page up during the break. If you really enjoy the content of the site, or if you think its all bullshit, please take some time to give your girl a shout and let her know what’s really good.

CHOCOLATE SNOWFLAKE: the_muse@dallaspenn.com

chocolate snowflake

Posted in BeYONCE Factor, BeYONCE's Hair, Black Bullshit, C.R.E.A.M., Crappers, Fashion Faux Pas, Ghetto Celebs, Jig Lit Review, Lust = Love, Separated @ Birth, Sneaker Fiends United, Social Upheaval, Sports are Gay, T.O.N.Y., The Addict, When I Reminisce... | 1 Comment »

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