Archive for the ‘No Boutros Boutros… Ghali’ Category

O’Regional Gangsters…

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

us regions

If there is anyone on the XXL website that could be accused of blatant regionism it certainly would be me. I showed you fools years ago that Texas was not part of the South, but actually part of the Midwest yet still you fools argued with me. Maybe I was doing that just to be a pip. I’ve kind of been that way my whole life.

I might have been wrong for that attitude in the past especially during the heyday of OutKast, 8 Ball, MJG, Juvenile, No Limit and Goodie Mob, but I’m certainly not wrong for that assessment now in the era of D4L, Get Rich Click, Soulja Boy Tell’em and the rest of the lowest common denominator rap pack that seems to use Atlanta as their main hub of operations.

The last thing I want this drop to be is some joint associated with hating on Soulja Boy. I don’t give a fuck about Soulja Boy. I don’t care if he makes enough money to bail out General Motors. Ed McMahon just died today and it turns out that he was damn near penniless after a lifetime in the entertainment industry. Don’t talk to me about money in rap music because that ain’t real.

This is why rappers like 50 Cent will always have a lane in the urban soundscape. Not too many people I fux with can afford shit right now and the more rappers describe aspirational shit that we can’t even confirm the existence of the more they will conscript themselves to the fickle whims of the pop music marketplace. Louis Vuitton baby stroller?!? Negro please (shouts to Ron Mexico).

But when rappers talk about the shit that broke motherfuckers like myself can relate too, they strengthen their urban sensibilities and their *ugh* street credibility. Why else are the Black Eyed Peas trying to get their hardbody points up? First off, Fergie pops shit with Perez Hilton to see if he will slap the shit out of her so she can get him pinched on some Chris Brown shit.

Perez Hilton is stupid cunning, while Fergie is only just a dumb cunt so now she goes to get Will.I.Am (er, his bodyguards) to mollywop Perez for talking out of pocket. The last thing the Black Eyed Peas want to do is fight with you. A You Got Served dance off? Yes. A barroom battle royale? Not so much. But in this recessive climate you had better look like you could live on the streets.

So even though 50 Cent has mansions all around America he is going back to renting a one bedroom apartment in the projects just so that he can reinforce his stature as an urban icon. It’s what ‘War Angel’ is signifying and what the audience for urban music is craving. No more of these flights of fancy where Black dudes reminisce on the new wave pop classics from the 80’s (this makes me slightly sad because I always <3 the Thompson Twins).

Speaking of War Angels, shout out to Gabriel Tolliver, who at my age joined the Army to make films for them. You have to be a member of the armed forces in order to make propaganda for them since you will see some shit that the general public has no idea of. The Army has to vett you to make sure that you aren’t Al Qui’ada or worse, Michael Moore. All the shots you see in feature films of army apparatus come from the armed services as well.

I saw previews of Transformers 2 and I wondered how many of those shots were done by Gabe. It’s a trip what we do to make a living in this game called life. From Soulja Boy Tell’em to a real soldier Gabe Tolliver its all good in the ‘hood. It ain’t never about where you are from party people, but where you are at.

Brand Nubian Queens…

Sunday, June 21st, 2009

eritrea

I’m having fun with maps today. As I perused a map of the so-called Middle East I noticed that my favorite country for exotic women things, Eritrea, was actually chopped away to make for a country called Djibouti.

eritrea

Shit like this happens when you need to have a staging area to regulate the traffic from the Red Sea and the Gulf of Aden.

But then I wondered to myself what the women from this privileged province might look like. The Eritreans always looked like well fed Ethiopians. So maybe the Djiboutis would look like Somalis, but not as crazy-eyed or down for piracy.

djibouti

The Djiboutis looked better than I expected. I should have known better though. They do have the word ‘booty’ in their namesake. From Berbera to Brooklyn, it’s all about Djibouti chicks for the win this summer.

djibouti
Hottentot Venus FTW!
djibouti

EPIC. HANGOVER…

Friday, June 19th, 2009

dos equis

This saga started with some of the Go In Brothers. Ruffian, Sandman and the kid Jackpot. We linked at a non-descrip bar on Grand Street in SoHo for the pre-game.

I started off with Belvedere and tonic because I don’t play that shit.

go in brothers
go in brothers
go in brothers

The event later this night was some shit put on by Dos Equis which has the illest commercials in the game right now.

At the spot the Go In Brothers were caught up in the flashing lights of the whole scene. I lost contact with them early as I finessed my way up to the roof deck level of the party. They had a swimming pool in the lower level of the building and I even considered going swimming, but then I realized that if a Puerto Rican and a Chinaman were both in the pool along with me I would end up with an ear infection [ll].

So I passed on swimming with the Dos Equis girls for hanging out with my two fists of Stoli and grenadine on ice (compliments of Dos Equis, but of course). Fools were getting tipped over at this party. There were easily several thousand people in the entire building. Many were there for the DJ sets of Bobbito and ?uestlove but most looked to be ad agency runoff cornballs. There were some dames though. Just hard to quantify with all the lames (myself included).

dp
^ Yes, I have not removed my ‘Media’ pass since Roots picnic FTMFW!

dp
^ Franz from the Ruck Down Records mailroom.

dp
dp
^ I have no idea what performance art these chicks were up to, but whatever it was shouts to Dos Equis for the almost nip slip (yes Janet Jackson).

dp
dp
^ LeBron might could need to start drinking Dos Equis like this dude.

dp
^ Dame.

dp
^ Lame. Major PU~ when your night ends in handcuffs, police handcuffs.

On to the next spot which would be club Sutra on 1st and 1st. My homie from forever GudTyme was hosting along with DJ Rob Swift. GudTyme is the dude who gave me my early taste of showbiz back when he used to tour with the X-Ecutioners. One time at a Lil’ X video shoot I made the cardinal mistake of any entourage member by hitting up the craft services before the talent. I haven’t been invited on a music video set since.

*Sidebar: I left the craft services alone at the Roots Jam Session even though the honey turkey slices and Swiss cheese was caaaaaaaaaallin’ me.*

So back to the matter at hand which was to keep getting my shit fucked the fuck up. Gudtyme and Swift laced me with drink tickets. I felt myself having a hard time pushing back the fourth K-1 and tonic. I was waterlogged at this poiint and I had to drive home to Freeport. Good for me that once I left Manhattan the rest of my flight home was via highways.

Call 2 Earl? NEVA!

Here’s some more pics of the DP nightlife shenanigans…

dp
^ My mans-n-them GudTyme.

dp
^ No wifing in the club, now gimme $20!

dp
^ PU~ to having your eyebrows in shape, but your mustache hair on 1,000. Shorty on the right is definitely the nuttgoblin because she looks like she’s heavy into nutt gobbling. BTW, it was her birthday.

dp
^ RobSwift what up?!? Let me get that drink ticket fam.

dp
dp
^ Drunk and hot girls.

dp
^ K-1 and tonic because I am so smooth, smooth, smoooooooth.

Drumsticks >>> Fishsticks…

Thursday, June 18th, 2009

bt

Mel D. Cole has his eye on music.

It finally happened for me internets. The skies opened up and I was granted backstage access to the Roots Jam Session at the Highline Ballroom. It was the moment that I had been waiting for. To witness the greatest living band, yes I said it, Fuck Yo’ Metallica!, as they prepared for their weekly show.

It was exactly as I had imagined it would be. Contemplative. Intense. Familial. And more crowded than a muvv up in that muvv. I tried to be a fly on the wall, albeit, a 375lb. fly on the wall. It didn’t work totally, but I think I finally crossed over to the other side. We’ll see what happens next week when I try to win again.

The Roots Jam Session is actually better than the baby wipes revolution. Because it is completely unpredictable. I always leave the Jam Session feeling like I peeled back another layer of the Roots artistry. You already know that ?uestlove is the sorcerer that keeps the groove in line just like Black Thought knows everyones rhymes. Speaking of lines, Styles P forget HIS own lines on the track ‘Rising Down’ but Black Thought spit his rhymes for him while Styles became his hype man.

Bilal returned to the Jam Session as well as Tanya Morgan but the guest that impressed the most on me was this young lady who rocked the bass for a funky little set. The Roots Jam Session is one of the few if not only places you can go to see women musicians who aren’t just singers. The Jam Session is possibly the most hip-hop shit going on since the late 1970’s. Before graffiti and rap music moved into the galleries and discos downtown. Well, ironically the Highline Ballroom IS downtown and not in the Bronx.

Don’t tell me that you want to go to the Jam but you can’t buy tickets online. Chocolate Snowflake just purchased our tickets for the July 14th show and my homey from the DMV will be coming uptop for the July 21st set. This is the best $10 you are going to spend anywhere in New York City. The good news is that I see they have extended their run into November. You have no excuse for not fuxing with the legendary. You already know I will be there.

MOUNTAIN DEWthpaste…

Wednesday, June 17th, 2009

meth mouth

The makers of Mountain Dew listened to the public outcry that MTN DEW was ruining people’s teeth and they developed a product that helps you maintain proper oral hygiene while still enjoying the taste of your favorite MTN DEW products.