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The big hip-hop story of the day is another crapper has been shot. Why go to Iraq when you can express yourself right here stateside and at least we have indoor plumbing. BEANIE SIEGAL was on his way to have his jewelry cleaned this morning when a man with a beard (real talk: ‘ay nigga in Philly has a beard, not every, ‘AY NIGGA!) shot him twice in the arm. BEANS was able to drive himself to the hospital where he is said to be recovering from his wounds.

The big question I am going to ask anyone reading this crappy site is, “Who the fuck cares?!?”

Do you care Philadelphia?

Do you care Kansas City?

Do you care Detroit?

Do you care Houston?

Do you care Oakland?

We live in a country where there are more than 20,000 deaths annually from guns. By the end of the year, crappers and their weedcarriers will amount to a very small fraction of the loss in human life. Arguably, they are also the most expendable, especially if everybody is going to rhyme like JAY-Z. But for the other 20,000+ unlucky fucks and their families there won’t be any ‘Stop the Violence’ records.

Where is the national leadership on this issue? I mean, like, real elected leaders and not just the community activists. New York’s liberal Senators should be raising their arms(pun intended) over this issue. How about that halfrican jig Senator from Chi-Town? This moral issue should be able to make him reappear. Let the owners of Smith & Wesson answer the question what purpose do handguns serve other than to kill people?

I hate to be the one to say that I told you so even though I’m sure that I told you so on several occasions. Haitians are simply the gulliest nationality next to the Palestinians. As a matter of fact, Haitians are even more gully, because they have less reasons to be upset. Sure the Palestinians and the Haitians are both poor, downtrodden people, but at least the Haitians don’t have to dodge heavy artillery shells when they go to the beach. The Haitians should be more relaxed than the Palestinians, but they’re far from relaxed. Now this news comes in that Haitians were part of the plan to destroy the Sears Tower?!?

The first thing I am going to say is thank GOD it was the Haitians and NOT the Hindus. The Hindu people are real sticklers for time and precision. That’s why so many Hindus work as engineers for all the different government agencies. They are methodical as all hell, but when the clock strikes 4.30pm they get their arses up from their curry fart festooned chairs and high tail it out the door. Hindus could be dangerous, but only during working hours. If you have ever been downwind of one of them after lunchtime then you get my drift.

Haitians are pretty dangerous too, but mostly to themselves. I have heard stories about Haitian men severing the arms of their cousins because someone didn’t want to relinquish control of the television remote. What I didn’t realize is that the remote control was for the village’s only television. That’s the problem with Haitians. They take shit way too seriously. My understanding is that this plot to destroy the Sears Tower came during a celebration for the Heat’s NBA championship victory.

When someone alluded to MICHAEL JORDAN still being a better player than DWYANE WADE it angered the Heat’s Haitian constituency and that’s when they decided that in order for DWYANE WADE to ascend to the pinnacle of the NBA hierarchy they would have to destroy all the symbols of the Chicago Bulls dynasty. Except nobody told these dudes that the Sears Tower wasn’t built in honor of JORDAN and his marketing deal with Hanes underwear, sold excluively at Sears’ retailers. What a clusterfuck we have now for all the well-educated, hard working Haitians in this country just trying to live the American Dream.

Well, at least the country is safe now from the threat of some wacky right-wing religious zealot Haitians. There’s even some good news for the website. We have a new ‘Seperated At Birth’ graphic.

If you can’t understand the post title then you need to brush up on your Jig Words.

No matter what wild nonsense the American Negro can manufacture it is still a far cry from the utter madness that your average bootyscratcher is accustomed to. From infant AIDS to diamond trade dismemberment to genital mutilation(ouch) you are lucky to even make it to your sweet sixteen if you live on the dark continent. Speaking of sweet, your azz will be working in the cocoa fields if you still have all of your limbs.

So nothing really surprises me when I see news out of Africa. Let’s see how many of you are amazed…

A Somalian teenager is allowed to publicly execute the man that killed his father. Doesn’t this remind you of all those old school kung fu flicks with the horrible audio dubbing??? “You… kill my father… now… I keel you! Waaaaaah!”

I smell a new boogieman nation in Darfur. Twenty years from now we will be sending U.S. troops into Khartoum to remove the despotic president because he has WMD’s. Look up the history of Turtleneck president SADDAM HUSSEIN, former U.S. ally.

What would you call the synergistic irony of a hanging chad in Chad? Would that cause a ripple in the time-space continuum that allows me to travel backwards in time to smack the shit out of Mohamar Khadafi? You know it’s hard out here on a former colony trying to establish sovereignty.

I use this website to pitch a bitch and rail about a whole lot of issues that are fucked the fuck up, but nothing in my life compares to the apartheid regime that many South Africans lived through. Forget about Destiny’s Child, them folks are the real survivors.

I knew that y’all would be freaky for that vintage poon like ZILLZ and me. It’s just a better feel all around. I remember this baseball mitten that I had for years and I took it outside every spring to play catch with my dad? Before we would go outside to the park my dad would take a little bit of baby oil and rub it into the center cup of the mitt. Dad’s know how to soften up the leather rubbing it well. After he did that the mitt was ready to catch balls.

The same goes for these M.I.L.F.’s that we listed today. You rub these sweet things down with a little oil and they will be catching more balls than you can throw. It’s not about the quantity though, it’s about the intimate feel that only a mother can give. They know how to be tender to us when we need that reassurance, and they can be stern when it’s time to correct our step. Moms are dope. Every woman should be mom. Every man should love a mother, but not his own. We don’t cosign that type of shit here at this site.

M.I.L.F. (from 30yrs old to 49yrs old)

	STACEY DASH Honestly, STACEY DASH’s pics in the recent issue of Playboy turned me out. Didn’t her B.D. CHRISTOPHER WILLIAMS pass away inside the drive thru at a Mrs. Winner’s restaurant in A.T.L.?

	PHOEBE CATES I wanted to give her my mogwai since way back in the ‘Fast Times at Ridgemont High’ days. Remember that scene when JUDGE RHEINHOLD gets caught out there beating his manhood out to a daydream of her? No brokeback to remembering J.R. masturbating.

	JASMINE GUY JASMINE owes us a piece of that stinky power U. since the first episode of ‘A Different World’. I am going to try to break the headboard with her forehead for all of the high-yellow AKA cotillion debutantes that would never let me smell it.

	SHEILA E. Another one of PRINCE’s ex-ladies whose bath water I would drink from a champagne flute.

	CYBILL SHEPHERD When she was a teenager she let fat ELVIS beat out her seat. She was from Memphis, he was a god, yada, yada, yada. I would take Burger King’s sloppy seconds so you know I am down to moonlight with CYBILL.

	FLORENCE HENDERSON Mrs.Brady likes Black rods. Why do you think she spent all those years trying to learn how to fry chicken in Wesson oil? Hey Mrs.Brady, how large was that Black guy that schtooped you last night?

	LaTOYA JACKSON Do not sleep on LaTOYA. I would hit her before JANET because LaTOYA has a clef in her chin. Clef chin = cum cup.

	DIAHANN CARROLL Way before she was a bitchy blaristocrat she was an entertainment triple threat. A dancer, a singer and a top shelf pin up model. Put that ‘DreamGirls’ wig on the shelf tonight baby because we are gonna get sweaty and dirty.

***MOST HONORABLE MENTION***

	EARTHA KITT Catwoman?!? Dig your claws into my back while you make that sexy purring sound.

Did anyone catch this news byte about the 59year old New Jersey woman having twins? I am bugging out because it’s not like she was doing this to help out her fallow daughter-in-law, but she did this on the strength that she wanted more kids. That got me thinking to how many grandmothers out there are giving up that sweet-aged Power U. Think about a fine wine that sits in an oak cask for decades and then gets brought out for some fancy reception. The bouquet, the taste, are both refined and exquisite.

There are some women that are like a fine Bordeaux. Their Power U has been sitting inside their drawls for decades and whenever it gets let out to breathe it’s like a rose garden or something. That is why you can’t sleep on some of these grown azz women. They have been meditating on the force of their stinky love bush and they know how to use it like a Jedi master or some shit. When we leave this place none of us are sure where we’ll be going, but one thing is for sure, and that’s we all know from where we came. Here’s a quick list of the places that I’d like to visit.

BTW, this post has been stamped with approval by ZILLA.

M.I.L.F. (from 30yrs old to 49yrs old)

	ANGELA BASSETT Even though IKE TURNER put a hardbody whupping on her azz and then TAYE DIGGS scraped it too, I still consider homegirl to be the ‘Chocolate Truth’.

	UMA THURMAN I was hot for her after I saw this flick called Gattaca. Sweet snowflake poon.

	VANESSA WILLIAMS Miss America nigga! And don’t you ever forget it.

	PATTI LaBELLE You already know how I feel ’bout Mz.PATTI.

	KIM BASINGER PRINCE and ALEC BALDWIN both put in 9 1/2 weeks on this sweet piece of white meat. The truth is that sloppy seconds is all I wanted in the first place.

	DEBBIE ALLEN Fame nigga! I wanna live forever!

	PHYLICIA ALLEN-RASHAD Awwwww ish, a sister two fer one. My dream would be to tell Theo that me and his momma are jammin’ it on the one.

	SOPHIA LOREN MICHAEL might be crazy, but he ain’t stupid. I would still let my face be her toilet seat. She hasn’t cracked after seven decades so you know what that really means.

***MOST HONORABLE MENTION***

	LENA HORNE Mz.LENA has done it all in her illustrious career. Trust me that you don’t even want to know how Animal got his nickname?!?