I won’t pretend to be smarter than anyone here in our group, but I can’t deny feeling slightly hoodwinked when it was revealed that through DNA tests it can be proven that BARACK OBAMA’s family owned slaves. In all actuality shouldn’t that make OBAMA as presidential as say, GEORGE WASHINGTON, JOHN QUINCY ADAMS and THOMAS JEFFERSON? That information at least confirms his status as an American.
The reason however that I feel somewhat cheated is because DNA information is more far reaching than just looking into the last few generation of someone’s lineage. DNA represents the blueprints for the building blocks of all living organisms. Everything. You can use DNA research to find out from where we have evolved. It’s this kind of information that punches creationists in the mouth and makes Christian conservatives put their hands over their ears. I don’t believe that DNA refutes GOD, it just proves that the creator has a sense of humor.
I decided to perform my own set of DNA tests on the 2008 presidential candidates in the DP Dot Com Science Lab also known as my bathroom. I don’t have any microscopes or special X-Ray machines, but I do have the remnants of a chicken pot pie that I ate last night and a broken Etch-A-Sketch. Let’s see what kind of information we can ascertain about the candidates using my empirical methods…
BARACK OBAMA = African Meerkat
The Dutch imperialists that colonized Africa and fucked it the fuck up for generations called this cagey feline a meer kat because it could be found near large bodies of water and lakes. Meer is the Dutch word for lake, and kat is the Dutch word for Black guy.
Lo and behold that BARACK is definetly from Africa and he lives in Illinois next to all those Great Lakes and the what not. See kids, science is easy and it doesn’t even require any brains.
JOHN EDWARDS = Smiling Frontrunner
Smiling Frontrunner was the colt that nearly won the Triple Crown in 1953 but was killed on the New Jersey Turnpike in a car accident after winning the Preakness. Back in those days there weren’t any horse trailers so if you wanted to get your colt to another race out of state you had to put them in the back seat of your convertible.
It’s obvious that JOHN EDWARDS uses an entire bottle of Tail & Mane Conditioner on his wig and that goofy smile proves that he likes horsing around.
JOHN McCAIN = Pitbull
American pitbulls are notorious for being schizophrenic sociopathic animals. Some people say that in order to cultivate the most vicious tendencies from these animals you have to feed them dog food sprinkled with gun powder.
Lord only knows what the Viet Cong fed JOHN McCAIN during the time he was a P.O.W. I imagine him biting off the ear of another candidate during a heated debate like that scene in ‘Apocalypse Now’.
HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON = Pug
Pugs are adorable because they’re so gotdamned ugly. The best trait of any dog is it’s loyalty to it’s owner.
People said that CLINTON was a Black President, but HILLARY CLINTON was certainly no Black First Lady. Can you imagine a real Black woman’s reaction after that LEWINSKY scandal broke wide open? She would a broke hell’a fool on BILL CLINTON. Telling his business in the streets. Getting down with his homies like VERNON JORDAN. The CLINTON’s weren’t the first Blacks in the White House, they were the first white trash hillbillies.
RUDOLPH GIULIANI = Vulture
What kind of animal is at its best around lots of dead people?
If New York City wasn’t populated now by so many tourists and Mid-Westerners there wouldn’t be all of this clamor for GIULIANI. Right before 911 we thought we were finally done with this miserable bastard. This insufferable prick had run off from his family to shack up with some lazy socialite. GIULIANI as our nation’s president is a bad omen for our troops overseas since the only thing he is famous for is presiding over (and subsequently mismanaging) the thousands of dead uniformed servicemen at the World Trade Center.
DP DOT COM NEWSBREAK * UPDATE * DP DOT COM NEWSBREAK
JOHN EDWARDS = Tender Flower
ANN COULTER, the leggy blond Cuntservative pundit has said that JOHNNY BOY has a broken wrist.
Come to think of it, there is something slightly TED HAGGARD about his persona (no Methamphetamine MIKE JONES to this observation).
