Archive for the ‘BeYONCE’s Hair’ Category

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

R.I.P. To An iNternets Celebrity…

Friday, November 30th, 2007

zoey zane

Zoey Zane, we barely knew ye.
You lost it all to bare your soul.
Cop the new issue of Barely 18.

The chick above is named EMILY SANDER. She was a small town girl from the Texarkana badlands who thought she could use the internets to skyrocket herself to fame and a better life than working at the truck stop slinging sunnyside up eggs. It was an honest dream. I don’t think any chick gets into pr0n because she wants to be strung out on horse or gutted like a holiday hog.

Most chicks come into pr0n real honest like. They love dicks like I love sneakers. Maybe a little more, but I make no judgement on people who pursue their passion. Unfortunately for EMILY, someone made a judgement on her that said she didn’t deserve love or respect. The one thing I can tell you from my personal experience with a pr0n goddess is that all they ever want is to be treated with respect. And prah’lee some dick too, but some motherfucking respect first.

When EMILY confided in her boyfriend and told him that she would be doing dick pushups as a career, ol’ boy broke north like Oliver. I can’t say that I blame him although if she was making some wild bank I might have considered sticking around. I’m like most men in that I don’t care what my lady does to make her half of the rent as long as she doesn’t burn the lamb chops. In this case however, I don’t think that EMILY met her demise from the jealous ex-beau. The police have reported that Ms. SANDER was seen leaving a local watering hole with some Mexican dude. Didn’t I tell y’all that Anton Chigurh was hardbody as fuck.

The biggest problem with pr0n snuff films is that the really, really good ones only have one take. So now the world is short one iNternets Celebrity, and one sexy redhead. This sucks for me on so many levels because I love myself some redheaded snatch and Spider-Man 4 could have used a pretty Mary Jane for once.

EMILY SANDER a/k/a Zoey Zane Photo Album – *NSFW must be 18y.o.

zoey zane

Posted in BeYONCE's Hair, H.A.M., iNternets Celebrities, Lust = Love, Tonys Kansas City | 15 Comments »

What Would ERNIE Do?!?

Saturday, November 24th, 2007

keys

ERNIE PANNICCIOLI might be the definitive Hip-Hop historian since his photographic images encompass more than 30 years of the culture’s evolution and progress through America. ERNIE has been commenting on my drops since before I had a website. The great thing about ERNIE is that he owns a personal bullshit filter on his brain which doesn’t allow him to gladhand anyone. At over six feet and 240 lbs. ERNIE doesn’t mind telling you how he feels about your shit.

I’m lucky to have him on my team for several reasons, none more important than the fact that he doesn’t lie. Just like Combat Jack he delivers his opinion unfiltered and unbiased by anything other than truth. If ERNIE says it then you can best believe that he lives it. He reminds me of my dad because they both come from the old, OLD school. If a man doesn’t have his word, he has nothing is the mantra.

So I got the idea after some recent comments by ERNIE to put up the images of some possible DP Dot Com Fantasy Poon Tang contestants. These are the women that I might possibly have sex with if they are the last women on Earth, and I am the last man, and we are on a deserted island, and they are unconscious (just how I like my sweet action). The question then becomes this…

What Would ERNIE Do?!?

h.b. Pregnant HALLE BERRY
The main reason I’m giving HALLE backshots is because I want to ‘Superman’ DAVID JUSTICE’s old ho. They do say pregnant loving is so juicy that you have to wear scuba equipment when you go down on it.

What would ERNIE do?!?

keys Bearded R&B Chanteuse ALICIA KEYS
I’m not so much into chicks that let their chest hairs grow extra long, or females that give other men handshakes with the soulbrother grip and the extra ‘100’ pat on the back, but I feel like I need to get some of this musical hoodrats sweetness just because I know that no other men are tasting it either.

What would ERNIE do?!?

miss jackson Midget Lover JANET JACKSON
I’ve been waiting to drink her bathwater since ‘Good Times’ was on television. Her and Tootie were my first crushes. Despite all the nonsense that JANET perpetrates now with her fake boyfriend, and despite the fact that she conspired with her family to lock her daughter in the basement of the Jackson estate I must fulfill my destiny. The picture to the left is how JANET will always look in my mind’s eye.

What would ERNIE do?!?

star jeezy Stinkbooty STAR JONES
Everything was easy on the eyes up to this point, but this is why your boy BILLY SUNDAY is the most hardbody blogger evar. The Hollywood rumors were that STAR JONES took a bath even LESS than her ghey husband peeped her slot. That would be the number between zero and never. So why am I going in on this nasty piece of Black tail? To get next on VIVICA FOX’s ghetto booty.

What would ERNIE do?!?

Posted in BeYONCE's Hair, Black Bullshit, Ghetto Celebs, Hollyweird, Lust = Love, Wig Owners | 40 Comments »

PAM GRIER: DP Dot Com G.O.A.T.M.I.L.F.

Friday, November 23rd, 2007

pam grier

People have always questioned why I have’nt placed PAM GRIER on any of my previous MILF drops. The reason is simply that PAM GRIER exceeds all the rest by such a great degree it would ruin her legacy to even compare her to a JASMINE GUY or an UMA THURMAN. That’s like when people compare SADDAM HUSSEIN to JOE STALIN. That piece of Shiite couldn’t hold Steel Joe’s jockstrap [ll].

Similarly, PAM GRIER pwns all Black actresses and so-called feminists for her portrayal of characters that could take charge of a situation yet were still compassionate and loving. When you see chicks try to get naked now and proclaim that they are empowering themselves you should understand that is was PAM GRIER’s poses that made it possible. But don’t think for a second that PAM GRIER couldn’t get on that hardbody shit if she needed to. PAM GRIER wielded the phallic symbol machine gun better than some men.

pam grier

If you ever watch the classic Blaxploitation flicks ‘Coffy’ or better still ‘Foxy Brown’ then you would know how I felt when I saw INGA MARCHAND adopt the stage name Foxy Brown. Too many rappers are quick to assume stage names of people that spent their lives doing the heavy lifting, and too many people tacitly accept the rappers misapporopriation of those names.

In my mind’s eye, PAM GRIER represents the strength and defiance of the Black female. In the face of a society that has marginalized and dehumanized people of color and destroyed the families of those people there was one woman who said “enough is enough”(no Donna Summer disco dance). This is why DP Dot Com has made PAM GRIER the new face of the ‘Kill White Tee’ movement. Copp your joint in ’08.

KWT

Posted in BeYONCE's Hair, Black Bullshit, Crappers, Fanboy Ish, Ghetto Celebs, Lust = Love, No Boutros Boutros... Ghali, When I Reminisce..., Wig Owners | 8 Comments »

cRap Music Fantasy League Q4 Update Wk.8

Wednesday, November 21st, 2007

jay

At the beginning of this quarter I think I said that this would be the time for the big dogs to come out and play. cRap music blue chippers reign supreme in the Q4. Jay-Z has all the momentum of a runaway train similar to T.I. when he had both an album in stores (‘King’) and a feature film in theatres (‘A.T.L.’). What the hell has become of the world when CHARLIE ROSE has to sit down with Shawn Carter and call him by his stage name? This is why we created the cRap Music Fantasy League in the first place. You never really know what the fuck is going to happen in cRap music.

Speaking of T.I., or Tip, or whatever character he is acting as now. T.I. is the king of southern rap and he is a blue chip cRap music prospect. You will get your points from him no matter how shitastic his records are. And ‘T.I. vs. Tip’ was totally Top 10 shitastic. Diddy is in the top 5 of artists scoring totals for the cMFL and he hasn’t even released a record in over a year. Diddy does what it do to get his label owners their cMFL points. From punching out friends in the club to attracting more lawsuits than the GEICO lizard, Diddy is the definition of a blue chip artist. By any means necessary, he gets points.

Here’s a breakdown of the current cMFL scoreboard…

Krack Ko Kaine Entertainment 8450
Incilin Productions 8125
Gain Green Records 7650
WindBreaker Records 7625
America Done Fell Off Records 7525
WDISL Records 7075
Funk Town Records 7025
All Starz Entertainment 6925
Gunshine State Music 6400
The Nappy Ram Affiliates 6300
CRap-A-lot Records 6000
Open Cannister Recordz 6000
North Star Records 5950
Bang 2 Dis Entertainment 5925
Jesus Slap Boxers 5850
Candyland Records 5825
Pretty Dollar Entertainment 5600
Berries & Cream Records 5550
Fantasy Records 5500
Beat Break Records 5425
WTF Records 5400
329 Music 5375
Bodega Inc 5250
Media Whore Records 5025
Bottlenecks Records 4600
NYC Records 4575
DubbleUp Entertainment 4450
Combat Jack Records 4325
SayDatNuccaName Wreckids 4300
MIP Records 4100
Solutions Global Media 4075
Fuckin Sellout Records 4050
Vagina Crusher Records 4000
Talent Show Entertainment 3800
Barely Literate Entertainment 3775
Death On Arrival Records 3750
Mental Calisthenics 3450
Brick Productions 3300
New Black Money Records 3225
The Block Is Hot Music Group 3100
ASE Records 3000
Detroit In Dis Bitch Records 2275
County Of Kings Records 2250
BLZ Records 2150
Know The Limit Records 1400
Six Feet Deep Promotions 225

So you ask me what the keys are to winning the DP Dot Com cRap Music Fantasy League?

  • You should pick at least four (4) blue chip artists. The types of cRappers that stay in the news for doing shit. Whether it’s beating the shit out of nail salon technicians or starting a business of low cost lawyers for hire to defend people when they get arrested. Blue chippers stay in the news for everything that they do, and occasionally some of them even rap.

    • jay

    Peep the pie chart above. Out of the 45 cRap Music Fantasy League label owners only two(2) did NOT select JAY-Z. What were they thinking?

  • KanYe West wasn’t nearly as popular a Q4 selection as JAY-Z, but ‘Ye Tudda remains a blue chip point scorer. GQ Man Of The Year, 1.5m sold for ‘Graduation’, awards shows and all kinds of Hollywood shit.

    • 18 of the 45 labels chose KanYe West and right now he is the second highest point scorer in the cMFL behind T.I. KanYe will be the difference between the winners and the whiners in this quarter’s pool.

    ye tudda

  • The way you win the cRap Music Fantasy league is by picking one or two dark horse cRappers that come from the back of the ranks to score unexpected points.

    • Remember in Q3 when Remy Ma bust that cap in her weedcarrier’s gut? That is the type of shit that will put a label owner over the top. This quarter’s money boss dark horse is Common Sense. He has major motion pictures coming to theatres along with marketing and merchandising arrangements. Who knows, ‘Finding Forever’ might just go platinum too? Mo’ money, mo’ money.

    com sense

    The only thing about Common is that only two labels picked him so if Common goes on a point scoring spree 43 of the cMFL label owners will be left out. Common Sense might be the difference for whoever winds up prevailing in the cRap Music Fantasy League.

    Posted in BeYONCE's Hair, Billy Sunday @ XXL, Black Bullshit, cRap Fantasy League, Crappers, Ghetto Celebs, iNternets Celebrities, Sneaker Fiends United, Wig Owners | 11 Comments »

    26.2 Miles No Sweat For The Lil’ Holmey…

    Sunday, November 11th, 2007

    holmey

    How many of you have ever run a marathon?

    Do you think it’s possible to run a marathon and…

    holmey

  • 1) never break a sweat after five and a half hours of running?
  • 2) not wear a bra or chest support to prevent nipple chafing?

    • holmey

  • 3) be totally over-dressed in your yoga clothes?
  • 4) marry an obviously ghey man?

    • We would all agree that the marriage of TOM CRUISE and KATIE HOLMES is more fraudulent than a $2 dollar magic show and the SURI childbirth situation is more proof of their fakery fuckery, but why the hell do they need tons of media outlets to lie to the people about HOLMES participation in the NYC marathon?

    holmey

    Are these two fools that desperate for people to see them? Couldn’t these numbskulls have simply just posted up along the marathon route somewhere and passed out water to the actual runners?

    So I dug a little deeper into this story only to discover this publicity stunt is part of the new Hollywood x New York City marriage. It turns out that KATIE HOLMES is lobbying to be cast as Wonder Woman for a new feature film being shot in NYC. Awww hell nahh!!! I’ve watched LINDA CARTER. I’ve caught youngling wood looking at LINDA CARTER. I’ve rubbed off that same youngling wood thinking about LINDA CARTER.

    You KATIE HOLMES, are no LINDA CARTER.

    wonder woman

    Posted in BeYONCE's Hair, Fanboy Ish, Fashion Faux Pas, H.A.M., Hollyweird, Lust = Love, T.O.N.Y., When I Reminisce... | 10 Comments »

    « Older Entries
    Newer Entries »