I opened up my homey’s website TONY’s KANSAS CITY yesterday only to find out that the Jigga Man is now balls out ghey. There were always the rumors about him and his weedcarrier manservant MEMPHIS BLEEK having a personal intimate relationship, but I ultimately poo-poo’ed that shit away because you how people can get more jelly than a bottle of crushed grapes. But if TONY is writing about rap music in any manner then I need to peep the shit he is saying.
All that teh ghey talk has to be unfounded internets rumors because I see all kinds of pictures every three or four months of JAY-Z and his friend BeYONCE on vacation somewhere expensive. Plus I see the two of them at basketball games together and other places. If JAY-Z were really teh ghey with LARRY JOHNSON how come he doesn’t take LARRY on vacation with him? I never see JAY and LARRY at Nets’ games either. At least EDDIE MURPHY would occasionally take JOHNNY GILL out to dinner. Yeah, there’s no way that JAY-Z could be teh ghey with a chick like BeYONCE and her freak’um dress.
If you get a chance to catch JILL SCOTT on tour this summer do yourself a spiritual favor and buy a ticket. I just came home from seeing ROBIN THICKE and CHAKA KHAN open up for JILLY from Philly. It was a festival for beautiful, big, Black asses too. They came in all colors and shapes and sizes. There was this one chick that was so red-boned that I could damn near see through homegirl. Sisters had their hair did too. There ain’t nothing that smells better than a Black woman in heat and ROBIN THICKE had the ladies moist.
I’m not mad at ROBIN THICKE either because at least he puts his money where his mouth is by marrying a sister. Dude is a cut rate JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE on the stage though. Nevertheless, Black women love them some ROBIN THICKE. He cooed and whined in that falsetto voice he uses and the entire Radio City Hall was putty in his hands. His set wasn’t too long either. He just did the hits and then he kept it moving.
CHAKA KHAN is great to see as always because she still has a powerful and dramatic voice after all of these years. CHAKA did a complete set of her classics and when she broke it down for ‘Sweet Thing’ you realized that whatever guy was smart enough to bring his lady with him to this show was going to be getting some head afterwards. I was that smart dude and now I am going to bed to receive my reimbursement for the ticket. I don’t have to swim with the sharks because I bring sand to the beach.
Bless the heart of my new young intern RM. He sent me an e-mail mentioning all the things that he wished we should turn into drops here at this site. When I asked him to write out one and do some research on it he never e-mailed me back. Dude quit his internship only three e-mails into the gig. I suppose that is reflective of the work ethic for today’s generation.
Well since we are left holding the bag that our weedcarrier has placed down I see no point in just letting a good idea go up in smoke. RM wanted to see a drop on all the different groups that PIDDY, the King of all Jigs, has sent to ruin. PIDDY is a prolific Wig Owner whose supreme talent appears to be bankrupting young artists. Not a singer, songwriter or musician, PIDDY has gone on to create several multi-platinum albums by over-exploiting the actual talent that he comes in contact with. Think about CLIVE DAVIS, QUINCY JONES, HUSTLE SIMMONS, BENITO MUSSOLINI and the Devil all coming together as a record industry executive and you still wouldn’t be able to beat PIDDY. He’s just that damn good.
PIDDY doesn’t create Wig Owners either. If you come into his camp as a brusher then you will remain one forever. And if you leave, don’t even think about taking a single wig with you. The Lox had to go on a New York City radio station and beg the public to help them in their demand to have PIDDY give them a wig. PIDDY’s got so many wigs that he gave one to the Lox, but that shit was ratty and nappy. JADAKISS and STYLES P have been trying to straighten that shit out for over a year. PIDDY is prah’lee somewhere laughing out loud while he styles on some more fools. Let’s face it, the King of all Jigs will own your wig until the last hair has ben brushed off that bitch. He won’t stop either, but that’s mostly because he can’t stop. Are you ready to walk with me down Wig Brusher memory lane?
TOTAL
Everybody was always calling Total a bunch of lesbians, which they weren’t, but they were instructed to play up the girl on girl friendly image because at the end of the day Black lesbians buy music.
SOUL 4 REAL
These were four brothers that PIDDY “discovered” and brought to Heavy D so that he could have his wig brushed as well. Their hit song ‘Candy Rain’ is still my shit. Everytime I hear it PIDDY gets richer and a puppy gets slaughtered.
FUZZBUBBLE
Who knew that PIDDY had a rock band? These dudes were like that 80’s group Mr. Big except they sucked worse and they never had a hit song.
THE LOX
PIDDY was so cheap that he charged the Lox $20 for every copy of their CD that they requested from him. The Lox ended up going to the bootlegger to buy their CD’s in order to give to their friends.
Kiss those Grammy’s goodbye when you write rhymes for PIDDY. You aren’t going to be getting credits on the album.
B5
B5 was PIDDY’s version of the Jackson Five and they even featured the underage brother that becomes a nymphomaniac.
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This was PIDDY’s take on the young adult contemporary R & B theme. He left these dudes so broke down and destitute that one of them had to take up robbing peoples homes via breaking and entering.
DANITY KANE
What the hell is a Danity Kane?!? Looks like PIDDY is making his way into the bedrooms of little suburban girls.
DA BAND
This was a train wreck even before they got on the tracks (puns always intended). For all of your information, Junior’s cheesecake ain’t even that good.
NEW EDITION
How fucked up must New Edition’s bankroll be if they all have to come to Bad Boy and brush wigs for PIDDY? These niggas catalog alone defines R & B from the 1980’s.
At the end of the day all of the wigs that these bands were brushing remained in PIDDY’s possession. The brushers themselves learned the hard lessons of life in the recording industry. PIDDY continues to search the Earth for more talented, young wig brushers to keep his empire well coiffed.
You haven’t seen this feature in awhile because BeYONCE is an absolute beast on her competition. She whupped ASHANTI so badly, poor little hairy ba’ygirl can’t even get another album done. DAYYYUM!
She also took out MARIAH CAREY and JESSICA SIMPSON. BeYONCE even beat out my brownskin baby momma OPRAH WINFREY. But this Factor should be a good challenge.
RIHANNA is being groomed much the same way that BeYONCE was. Her handlers have been careful not to have her speak too much. They have conscripted the legendary rapper Jay-Z to be seen as a mentor to her causing a somewhat scandal in the press regarding his relationship with BeYONCE. I have even seen RIHANNA dressed up just like BeYONCE too. Do you think that RIHANNA could ever replace Lady B? Enough talk bitches, let’s factor…
Here’s a quick rewind of the format for your scoring information…
In parentheses are the factors that give someone a high or low score depending on how we at the website rate them. If a subject does exceptionally well with a factor then they will receive the full allotment of points (100).
1) Can you say her name – (the more‘Black’ sounding the name of the subject, the higher the number of points)
2) Can she pay her bills – (cash rules everything around us – does the subject have any?)
3) Is she a survivor – (has the subject had to endure scandal/controversy?)
4) Baby boy – (has the subject ever had an abortion?)
5) Cater to you – (would you want a backrub from the subject?)
6) Dangerously in love – (is the subject in a relationship that can’t last?)
7) Bootylicious – (this should speak for itself)
RIHANNA is actually more than ten years younger than BeYONCE in real life, but I wonder if her youth will serve her in The Factor. Here we go…
1) Can you say her name – 100 points (RIHANNA is just as jig-fabulous as BeYONCE)
2) Can she pay her bills – 100 points (three platinum albums in less than three years)
3) Is she a survivor – 100 points (from digitally voiced dancehall queen to synthesized pop princess)
4) Baby boy – 100 points* (she is 19yrs old from from Guyana and Barbados = minimum one abortion)
5) Cater to you – 100 points (did I say um-ba-rella already?)
6) Dangerously in love – 100 points (late night visits from the prez of Def Jam – you bet!)
7) Bootylicious – 100 points (do you know what 19yr old poon smells like? Legal seafood.)
RIHANNA’s BeYONCE Factor score = 700 points!
Holy crap! This can’t be possible. No one can equal in womanhood to BeYONCE KNOWLES. This has to be a mistake…
Update: The good folks over at Bossip Dot Com have helped us sort out this mess. The queen of all women BeYONCE KNOWLES would never let her angelic wings appear. RIHANNA, not so much. We just deducted 50 points from RIHANNA’s Factor score.
The Model Minority was kind enough to lace us a few months back with a blurb on the sad story of the SAARTJIE BAARTMAN, the Venus of Hottentot. This is one of the many tragic African characters that faced the three headed Cerberus of colonialism, racism and supremacy. This character was reviled for her natural ample posterior when in the same Victorian culture women wore an apparatus to give them the image of having such a backside. It’s completely nutty to me when I look at her story now because she was openly persecuted, yet secretly idolized and fetishized for her body.
The two major examples of the mainstream media’s continuous Black woman ass fetish are my brownskin baby momma SERENA WILLIAMS a/k/a Court Chocolate a/k/a SHE-HULK and everyone’s favorite high yellow songstress, BeYONCE KNOWLES. Both these ladies are first rate entertainers, but folks in the media can’t get away from what really makes these women popular to them — their big asses.
The New York Times was remarking on how heavy SERENA had become and they even chirped alongside JOHN McENROE and his superiors that said her extre-tennis lifestyle was ruining her power game. I remember when this same McENROE said that VEUNS and SERENA’s power games were ruining women’s tennis. McENROE should go to Hell and die.
My other Hottentot Venus is the purposely vacuous BeYONCE KNOWLES. I’m not old enough to remember the superstar grooming of DIANA ROSS, but I can see some connections between the two now that BeYONCE has immersed herself into acting. I know why DIANA ROSS tried so hard to get us to like her, because she had a difficult background, but with BeYONCE I am a little disturbed. She is completely overexposed for someone who is reportedly only 26. She’s not just burning herself out but she’s burning me out as well. Her name and likeness is attached tp so much crap they will need to give her brand products their own wing at Wal-Mart by the time she reaches 30.
I’m all for people coming up in the game and making some money so I don’t begrudge BeYONCE her success it’s just that her rapid oversaturation is going to cause a backlash where we will question what we enjoy about her so much.
In the end(pun wholly intended), the MSM doesn’t care about BeYONCE’s staying power because they will invent some celebrity to replace her even if they have to dig through a D-list garbage pail of Black talent. BUFFIE the Body anyone?
