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Editor’s note: An open letter to the Governator regarding 40’s favorite pink toe poontang.

FREE PARIS HILTON
Dear Governor Schwartzenegger,

I understand you had your reasons for not commuting the sentence of Stanley “Tookie” Williams, a wise old head at Shawshank Penitentary once said that “The worst thing you can have in here is hope” and if you gave OG Tookie a pass then you would have given dangerous hope to the masses of black and brown warehoused in your state’s prison industrial complex. No fret Guvie-Guv, some people you just “gotta” keep off the streets, I mean the Feds just sent up the old head out here in NY for life because they couldn’t get him the first few times they wanted to and he was giving people of similar ilk hope also. (Hold your head ‘Preme!). Sorry Your Governorness I didn’t mean to sully the integrity of this letter with a shout out but you know how it gets sometimes. You gotta say what you feel, I agree with you I too think Latinos/Latinas are hot blooded people also (except for De La Hoya last Saturday). But let me get back to the issue of national importance at hand.

I’m here to ask you on behalf of America that you please pardon Paris Hilton from her sentence of 45 days. Paris ain’t built for your jails and you should know this since you get the monthly DOC reports and know whats going on in there. Even though she’s the perfect Aryan and has the “n-word” down pat, she’s not as handy as Martha Stewart to fashion a shank for protection and might get hurt.

Your Governorness please have some mercy and pardon our dear Paris from this horrible sentence and spare her the agony of the correctional system. I don’t think you understand that America needs her, what is US Weekly, In Style, and the rest of the fag-hag-rags gonna do with 6 weeks of no Paris coverage? Where will the oversexed female youth of our nation go for inspiration? Do you know the impact this would have on the minature furry pet industry in the country? The shelves of PETCO would be rife with unbought doggie sweaters and iced out collars. Louie Vuitton doggie bags would be empty from Rodeo Drive to 5th Avenue. Also, as jobs for unskilled workers in this country go the way of the Jennifer Aniston’s relationships, all we have left of the American Dream is the hope that other people with out any discernable talent can become a celebrity like Paris, Nicole, and Sanjaya. You as a German immigrant who was able to get his piece of America through lat-pulls and gutteral sounding acting roles and flip that into governor should be more sympathetic as anyone. Sending Miss Hilton to the hoosegow sends a message that derails the same dream that allowed you to succeed. This could truly the crush the spirit of this country and that Mr. Governorship would not be “hot”.

So please see it in your heart Mr. Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris. Don’t listen to that cold steel metallic “Terminator” heart, but that warm fuzzy “Kindergarden Cop” heart. I mean whats wrong with a little drunk driving amongst rich folks? Do it for Paris, do it for America, do it for the children. Responsibility and guilt are for those “other people” not for an angel like her. I mean have your heard her album? I cried when I heard it just like she did. She is America and to lock her up is to lock up America and helping the terrorists win – and we don’t want that?!?!?!

Thanks in advance…

Your rottweiler for the pink toes,

40 Dawg