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In keeping up with the Academy award afterglo that all you folks from Memphis are surely enjoying I thought that we could pull out one of our old features to see if still has that familiar shine.

And speaking of film work… Mz. BeYONCE KNOWLES just got her feet wet as a top billed player in the latest of the Pink Panther series. I say that she got her feet wet in only the figurative sense, because the photos from the red carpet premiere looked like Mz. B’s feet may not have gotten any moisturization on that day.

“It rubs the lotion on it’s skin – or else it gets the hose again”

Remind me to thank my cousin FRESH at C & D for that picture of BeYONCE’s flippers. Even the flyest chick on the planet can have one of those moments. How many of us haven’t lotioned our feet in years?!? O.K., well maybe just me.

You folks remember how the BeYONCE Factor works don’t you? It’s really simple and here’s a quick rewind of the format for all of you folks scoring from home or the office…

Jig, spic and priv celebs will be rated on a scale for how close their game comes to that of the pinnacle of all jiggaboo goddesses – BeYONCE. In parentheses are the factors that give each candidate a high or low score depending on how we at the website rate them. If a subject does exceptionally well with a factor then they will receive the full allotment of points (100).

1) Can you say her name – (the more‘Black’ sounding the name of the candidate, the higher the number of points)
2) Can she pay her bills – (cash rules everything around us – does the candidate have any?)
3) Is she a survivor – (has the candidate had to endure scandal/controversy?)
4) Baby boy – (has the candidate ever had an abortion?)
5) Cater to you – (would you want a backrub from the candidate?)
6) Dangerously in love – (is the candidate in a relationship that can’t last?)
7) Bootylicious – (this should speak for itself)

HALLE BERRY has been on the Hollywood scene for years from doing bit parts on television sitcoms to landing leading roles in a few blockbuster films. In what may have been her most underwhelming character she was able to win an Oscar for leading actress. Some of you might remember her breakout role in SPIKE LEE’s flick ‘Jungle Fever’. HALLE played the role of SAMUEL JACKSON’s crackhead girlfriend. She told an interviewer that he would go for several days without bathing so that she could find that character within her. Personally, I think she did that just to ward off the advances of SPIKE. Ol’ boy likes his women like I drink my coffee – light and sweet. Just ask VERONICA WEBB. Anyhoo…

HALLE has put in hell’a work too for someone that’s only 40something years old. Several failed marriages to men that were physically and emotionally abusive will garner her some good points on the Survivor factor. But enough blather already, its time to factor…

1) Can you say her name – 100 (if you know jig folk like we know them then you would know they have hundreds of ways to spell this name. i.e. HELIE, HALLIE, HALIZE)
2) Can she pay her bills – 100 (five letters – OSCAR)
3) Is she a survivor – 150 (from her father to DAVID JUSTICE to ERIC BENET, this chick puts dichord and dysfunction on a sammich. And likes it!)
4) Baby boy – 100 (remember those pictures of HALLE going shopping with ERIC BENET’s daughter? How perfectly were those staged?!?)
5) Cater to you – 100 (she did give up that sweet poonahnee to BILLY BOB in such a nice way)
6) Dangerously in love – 100 (40+yr old black woman/20something white boy model = he will need upgrade sooner than she will)
7) Bootylicious – 100 (HALLE caught a $500,000 bonus for showing her tatas in ‘Swordfish’)

HALLE BERRY’s BeYONCE FACTOR totals = 750 points!

There is no way this should happen. BeYONCE KNOWLES takes a back seat to no one in the entertainment game. Let me review these numbers again and see where I could have messed up the calculations.

NewsBreak: HALLE BERRY pleads guilty to felonious hit and run accident.

With the above information at hand I have to regretfully deduct 200 points from HALLE’s score leaving her at 550 points well under the 700 required to be considered equal to the queen of all womanhood, BeYONCE. We’re sorry HALLE, but arrest records are only good for rappers.

You haven’t seen this feature in awhile because BeYONCE is an absolute beast on her competition. She whupped ASHANTI so badly, poor little hairy ba’ygirl can’t even get another album done. DAYYYUM!

She took out MARIAH and JESSICA SIMPSON. BeYONCE even beat out my brownskin baby momma OPRAH. But this Factor should be a good challenge.

JANET JACKSON has the look and the moves. She also has a catalog of songs to do the running man to or to get your snuggle on with your baby boo. And she has the mystique and the baggage of the JACKSON family clan. The JACKSON family laid the groundwork for MATTHEW and TINA KNOWLES to stand on. If there were ever to be such a thing as Black royalty in the United States, the JACKSONs would be like the Hapsburgs or some shit. Enough talk bitches, let’s factor…

Here’s a quick rewind of the format for your scoring information…
In parentheses are the factors that give someone a high or low score depending on how we at the website rate them. If a subject does exceptionally well with a factor then they will receive the full allotment of points (100).

1) Can you say her name – (the more‘Black’ sounding the name of the subject, the higher the number of points)
2) Can she pay her bills – (cash rules everything around us – does the subject have any?)
3) Is she a survivor – (has the subject had to endure scandal/controversy?)
4) Baby boy – (has the subject ever had an abortion?)
5) Cater to you – (would you want a backrub from the subject?)
6) Dangerously in love – (is the subject in a relationship that can’t last?)
7) Bootylicious – (this should speak for itself)

JANET should do well because she’s been the heiress apparent to DIANA ROSS since ‘Good Times’ and ‘Diff’rent Strokes’ were on broadcast television. Here we go…

1) Can you say her name – 25 points (JANET just isn’t jig-sounding enough)
2) Can she pay her bills – 50 points (she has paper, but brother Michael is the King of Pop)
3) Is she a survivor – 100 points (after NippleGate, JANET became like the female O.J.)
4) Baby boy – 200 points* (you do know that JANET has a twenty year old daughter that JOE JACKSON keeps locked up in a steamer trunk in the basement of the family house?)
5) Cater to you – 100 points (can you imagine JANET singing ‘Anytime, Anyplace’ to you in your ear?)
6) Dangerously in love – 75 points (J.D. is still the president at Arista right?)
7) Bootylicious – 100 points (JANET keeps that 40+ yr. old thing tight!)

JANET JACKSON’s BeYONCE Factor score = 650 points!

*That was closer than it needed to be but you have to give props to JANET for the simple fact that her daughter will NEVER see the light of day.