** TONITE **
Keistar Productions presents ’90s Flavors’
@ Peppers Lounge in lower Manhattan
95 Leonard Street / corner of Broadway
(4 blocks south of Canal Street)
10pm – 4am
$10 all nite (say DALLAS PENN DOT COM)
All cancers FREE until 11pm
DJ SPINNA drops nothing but hits from the 90’s
Special tribute to Notorious B.I.G.
What’s the smell party people? We’re knee deep into the summer now so I hope you cats are getting your swerve right. What is better than the summer for hooking up with some strange poon and stretching that love into the fall? Not past Thanksgiving though, because that is when you enter gift giving season with Chanukkah and Kwanzaa around the corner. The idea is to find someone that you can pick up again after Valentime’s Day. That may sound like the mythic Holy Grail of poontang, but I am here to show you how to bag up one of these summertime jumpoffs.
It ain’t where you’re from, it’s where you’re at and you need to put yourself in some particular locations in order to secure the perfect jumpoff that will be intrigued to your slightly uncouth mannerisms. Hoodrats are out of the question because they already know game. The type of chicks that you want to hook up with are almost nerds themselves. Sexy female nerds that work in advertising or telecommunications. These broads have good jobs and can afford to pay for their own Chipotle. Peep some of the locations and techniques for you to smash some quality action…
The Library
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it sounds corny, but trust me, a chick that can read is usually more freaky than a broad who just watches the tube. Go read some Victorian-era erotic romance novels while your there in the library. That shit is all about bondage, rape and submission. Good shit. The library will always be good money ground zero for bagging up official nerd chicks.
The Laundromat
True story is that I was having poetry readings at the Clean-Rite on Fulton Street. If you came through and read some work I would give you free fabric softener. It was a pop off for a few weeks thanks in part to the movie ‘Love Jones’. The laundry is sick if you stay focused. You can peep the types of underwear that a shorty wears which will alert you to your prospect’s freak flag. Avoid the chicks with several pairs of crotchless drawls. You don’t want to fall in love with a stripper.
The Department of Motor Vehicles
The DMV is another great spot because this lets you know that shorty has some kind of whip. It’s always playerific to be driven around by your shorty. Your advantage to introducing yourself are the long lines and the fact that everyone hates coming to the DMV. Strike up a convo, but try not to sound like a cornball. Tell honey that you are getting your license re-instated after your suspension from driving the getaway car in a bank robbery. Then laugh afterwards and say that your are joking, but not really.
The Church
Whoa. Relax. There is nothing sacrilegious about going to church to bag up a lunchable. What’s more righteous than the union of man, woman and child? She doesn’t have to know that you are going to avoid the child part. Plus there are hundreds of different types of churches that you can fuck with. I prefer the Catholic churches because they have the hot-blooded Latin broads. Their repressed Catholic upbringing has them ready to almost give you head in the church basement. And you don’t even want to know how the rectory got it’s name.
The Supermarket
Supermarkets like Whole Foods are the hottest new meeting spaces. You can monitor the lifestyle of someone by the groceries they consume. You can also fool a broad into thinking that you might have some culture when you pick out some weird vegetable or a stinky ass cheese. I go to Whole Foods when I am looking for some of the “other” white meat, and no, I don’t mean lean pork. Here’s an important question that I like to ask chicks… Garlic or cilantro? If she says cilantro then you want to fuck with her. Garlic? Not so much.
The MySpace
After several years MySpace is still doing its thing. Facebook is a little more classy, but if you are trolling the internets looking for something tender to smash then who cares which site you use as long as she is cute in the face and small in the waist. Hell, get your ass on fucking BlackPlanet or MiGente if you have to. Just don’t let August roll around and you are still masturbating. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
So there you have it players and playerettes, your cousin BILLY SUNDAY’s guide to getting yourself right this summer. Love? What’s love got to do with it?
While we are talking some of that movie shit I thought I’d reminisce on one of my favorite films shot here in New York City. That joint was called The Professional and it starred that long face French dude, it also featured GARY OLDHAM, who was my nigga in ‘True Romance’ and this little shorty named NATALIE PORTMAN. I originally went to see the flick thinking it was going to be like the ‘Professional’ manga themed movie that was part of the ‘Crying Freeman’ series. I wasn’t disappointed at all.
The long face French dude was this illmatic paid assassin who only drinks whole milk. After NATALIE PORTMAN’s family gets merc’ked by crooked cop OLDHAM, the long face French dude becomes like a guardian to PORTMAN’s character. He teaches her the ways of the samaurai and other shit like that, but mostly he avenges her family and kills wild amount of dudes in the process.
The best part of the movie was the erotic undertones that were shared by the long face French dude and PORTMAN’s character. She was supposed to be twelve years old, but there was no way in hell a twelve year old could be that fine. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking and no, there is no ROBERT SYLVESTER KELLY in my style. Even when I was twelve I didn’t like girls more than my comicbooks. I’m just saying that she gave dude a sponge bath and sucked on his finger when it was cut. I’m not the pervert! The fuckin’ director was the pervert and it was the long face French dude.
Since I bought a couple of these from the 2-fer-$10 tables at Circuit City I will give away a DVD to the first person who remembers a line from GARY OLDHAM’s character in ‘True Romance’. OLDHAM played a drug dealing rastafarian with gold fronts in his mouth. Crazy.
This past weekend was my third anniversary with C.S. Well, not actually my third anniversary as her boyfriend, but the third anniversary of me meeting her in a club on Friday, and then at the museum on Saturday, and then at my girl KEITA’s barbecue on Sunday (she can front if she wants, but y’all know that chick was stalking me!?!).
What’s funny is that it feels like I’ve known her much longer than only 36 months. In this short time I’ve been able to find someone who is a committed activist, an artist, and a generous spirit. She’s also the most intelligent woman that I have ever encountered. Her skill is in deftly allowing me to think that I sit in the driver’s seat. I play that role of long suffering husband so well I need to just marry this woman already.
What do you folks think? Is it time for me to finally start breeding?
UPDATE:
If you live in New York City and you were looking to add a LISA BONET-type to your resume this summer then you need to fall through some of these FREE events listed…
For a complete listing of all concerts and performances at these venues click on the links below…