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New York City schoolkids are failing miserably in the state mandated standardized math tests. The schools chancellor says that the test is too hard. I say that we need to find a new way to bring math studies to these kids. To that end your favorite blogger slash political consultant slash relationship advisor turns his laser eye on new millenium mathematics prep.

If you fuck with this site with any regularity then you know that we have already done a Ghetto Celeb Mathematics drop, but this one has a decided focus on honoring one of DP dot com’s favorite Hip-Hop icons – RUSSELL JONES b/k/a OL’ DIRTY BASTARD. Ghetto Celebrity Mathematics brings complex theorems into a nice and easy reference guide using popular culture icons. We chose to use Ol’ Dirty Bastard because of his universal appeal and the fact that he loved the kids, but not in a MARK FOLEY kind of way. O.D.B. left us two years ago for a trip on the mothership, but his life was filled with quotes that let us know he wasn’t doing this rap thing for himself, but for the kids…

“I see things from a one-eye perspective and the four-eye perspective. The one-eye perspective is being able to see everything, as clear as my eye can see it.”

“… this is what Wu Tang do, come with something beautiful for you, like high science. Einstein has a formula, Wu Tang has a formula. A part equals a square and all that stuff, you know what I’m saying? We have a formula, too. The formula is to attack everything at any given time. Just attack and shit like a waterfall, or like water in rapids or more like a fucking whirlpool, fuck you.”

“I went and bought me an outfit today that costed a lot of money today, youknowImean?, ’cause I figured that Wu-Tang was gonna win! I don’t know how y’all see it, but when it comes to the children, Wu-Tang is for the children! We teach the children! You know what I mean? Puffy is good, but Wu-Tang is the best! Okay? I want you all to know that this is ODB, and I love you all, peace!”

We love you too DIRTY. Rest in peace. Wu-Tang forever.

The unpredictable lyrical magic of O.D.B. multiplied by the explosive nature of TIMOTHY McVEIGH gives you the political philosophy of North Korean leader KIM JONG IL.

The hair and charisma of BIG BAGY JESUS added to the sincerity of MARTIN LUTHER KING Jr. that Black people might one day get their shit together = AL SHARPTON (circa YUSUF HAWKINS).

The orange jumpsuit of DIRT McGIRT times Pittsburgh pitcher DOC ELLIS on LSD results with former Mets pitcher DWIGHT ‘DOC’ GOODEN wearing an orange jumpsuit.

The crazy sex appeal of OSIRIS when divided by the vocal stylistics of BOBBY WOMACK gives us BOBBY BROWN.

The energy and uncontrollable Negro madness of OL’ DIRTY is added to the poetic genius of a young LANGSTON HUGHES = REGGIE NOBLE, the funk doctor b/k/a REDMAN.