Archive for January, 2006

You Too Can Be President (of Def Jam).

Wednesday, January 18th, 2006

s dot

From the outside looking in, a lot of folks wondered how SEAN CARTER came to be the president of Def Jam records. Even the record industry people that knew JAY-Z had a difficult time in conducting a prolonged conversation without succumbing to rapping were slightly amused.

Again, from the outside looking inward it is one of the greatest rags to riches stories. Parallel in some ways to that of the little orphan Annie whose theme song gave the under five years old crew another tune to drone on about in JAY-Z’s catalog other than the ‘Jigga, My Nigga‘ song (which by the way I first heard sung by a five year old holding his mother’s hand while she shopped in the Fulton Mall). Despite his penchant for simple hooks that attract infants and those of us with the same brain capacity, JAY-Z doesn’t rank in the BILLY SUNDAY Top 5 G.O.A.T. crapper list. However, the self-proclaimed G.O.A.T. must owe some serious scrilla to SEAN CARTER.

I am not going to drag this post out for too long just to say that I had an epiphany this past weekend. I finally had the chance to listen to the ‘Grey Album’ and some other classic JAY-Z material. All I heard on these songs was LL COOL J’s inflections and cadence. It dawned on me that JAY-Z has been writing lyrics for LL COOL J for prah’lee at least 15 years. That is definitely SEAN CARTER’s pen work on ‘Boomin’ System’ and ‘Jinglin’ Baby’.

How else could JAY-Z supersede LL COOL J and DMX to ascend to the mythic position of label president? He had to have the leverage of his total writing catalog and not just his affiliation as Mr.BeYONCE KNOWLES. Its become obvious that SEAN CARTER has the business acumen of a Roc-A-Wear wristband for letting the JUELZ SANTANA project cool down and lose momentum while having the GHOSTFACE album damn near delayed until summer. The T.I.’s at Island Records Group which is owned by Universal Music Group, which is owned by General Electric will eventually get around to counting their beans at Def Jam.

So you can expect for JAY-Z to be releasing an album during the third quarter of 2006. Or getting a visit from the terminator, BOBA FETT.

It’s All About Money, Ain’t a Damn Thing Funny…

Wednesday, January 18th, 2006

m.o.n.e.y.s.h.a.

GOD’s anger is what brought N’Awlins to her knees, and he was especially pissed off with JUVENILE. So just like Hurricane Starrkeysha, when it rains on JUVENILE, it pours.

More Magnolia bad news: MYSTIKAL ’bout to be broke fo’sho wardie!

Did any of you know that Ms.DYNAMITE was this gully? She must have an album coming out.

I have a dream… EMINEM and KIM get back together on M.L.K. day.

And y’all didn’t wanna believe me when I told y’all that M.L.K. day is for lovers.

AND NOW… A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR

Tuesday, January 17th, 2006

champeezy bitches!

NBA TIGHT PANTS ALL-STAR GAME

Saturday, January 14th, 2006

big george

I can remember begging my dad to let me stay awake late so that I could watch the NBA Tight Pants All Star Game. Back in those days the NBA was broadcast at 2am E.S.T. because network executives didn’t think that they had a brand that was family friendly for primetime television. There was something ‘NahRight‘ about a whole bunch of Black Men running around in extremely tight pants, shooting, slamming, dunking and banging with each other. Please say three No Homos to yourself after that last sentence.

Since I was just a kid I didn’t see anything wrong with all of that and I enjoyed the competition and gamesmanship. I remember the All-Star Game that was played back in 1965 featured so many Hall of Fame caliber players. The games were fast paced and there was always a lot of scoring (did I say No Homo earlier?). I can remember the game almost as if it were yesterday…

john stockton
JOHN STOCKTON dribbled the ball up the court…

coop
passing off for a layup to Tight Pants All Star and Long Socks Legend MICHAEL COOPER

clyde
The New York Knicks Tight Pants contingent got into the game when WALT ‘CLYDE‘ FRAZIER inbounded the ball to…

black jesus
BLACK JESUS from Philadelphia a/k/a EARL ‘The PEARL’ MONROE whose nifty ball-handling(n.h.) broke down the defense and then he passed to…

A.T.M.
BERNARD ‘AUTOMATIC MONEY’ KING who never missed an open 16 footer in his life.

ice, ice baby
GEORGE ‘ICEMAN’ GERVIN was as ice cold a competitor as anybody when he was heating up the scoreboard

rick barry
RICK BARRY didn’t have a cool on-court nickname like the jig players did, but he does have two or three sons carrying on his legacy playing ball in the current longshortsmen league.

moses
MOSES MALONE banged with MAGIC JOHNSON(extra N.H.) and KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR,

whos got the magic stick?
and you know that LARRY BIRD and MAGIC banged hard with each other.

the worm
While fellow Detroit Piston teammate DENNIS RODMAN grabbed a ton of broads boards…

a.d.
ADRIAN ‘A.D.’ DANTLEY took long socks and tight pants scoring to the next level.

'nique
Forget about those Atlanta child murders because it was DOMINQUE WILKINS who was killing shit with his sick repertoire of high flying dunks.

AIR
I don’t even have to say his name because you know who the man was in the tight pants that we were all jocking(extra super JIM JONES N.H.).

Those were the good ol’ days in the NBA. When the price of a courtside ticket could get you a show from tremendously gifted athletes and possibly a package with salty chocolate balls.

CALVIN KLEIN apparently likes salty chocolate balls.
(nullus to this entire post)

calvin klein aint no friend of mine

Can You Smell Me?!?

Saturday, January 14th, 2006

gasface

I owe GUY RILLA, the TECHWHORE as the inspiration for this post (N.H.B.).

I probably don’t give enough credit to my nose for all the good shit that it allows me to enjoy. I typically give my eyes top billing, then my ears, after that my hands, next would be my sense of taste(surprisingly though I am over three hundred pounds) and lastly, I credit my sense of smell. Although as GUY RILLA pointed out, there are few other guilty pleasures as sweet and erotic as standing behind a woman who has just shampooed her hair with something fragrant. I once dated this young Mexican girl from Cuba who had a small bedwetting problem. I just loved the way her cooch had the faint smell of pee-pee mixed with baby powder. Smells can also be a deal breaker as well. I can remember being very attracted to this young ladywoman, but when I smelled her inate pheromone odor I couldn’t stand her anymore.

I had been trying to smash this co-worker for years, and her boyfriend and I were semi-cool(no homo of course), but he knew that I wanted to wrangle his girl’s pussy, and he knew that she wanted to give it to me too. So when dude moved to Atlanta with all the other jig losers I got right to getting his ex-tail. I invited her over my apartment. We drunk a bottle of this faux classy cheap azz champagne called Friexenet. She went into my bedroom and started getting naked. I had to do everything in my power to keep from rushing into the bedroom and tackling homegirl. I was gonna kill this little petite piece of poon. I climb into the bed with her and then… WTF?!?

Where is that smell coming from? It wasn’t a nasty crotch smell, but something far worse. Her skin smelled like the hair grease that came in the blue container. My dad would use that stuff to pick out my hair once every two months and that shit would hurt. My olifactory nerves triggered a flashback so strong that I had to jump out of the bed. I told homegirl that she had to go because I had to leave the apartment. I made her get dressed right then and I took her outside to the cab stand across the street.

In the end I feel like I kept shit classy because I did at least pay for her cab ride home instead of instantly pummeling her because of all the repressed agression that I had stored inside from my dad grooming me.