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A few weeks ago I offered to help NYS Attorney General ELIOT SPITZER win the Democratic Party’s nod for the New York State Gubernatorial race. The SPITZER machine became unhinged slightly because some player hater jig broad tried to throw her wrench into the Negro constituency. So just when it looked like SPITZER was going to be able to moonwalk up to the Albany statehouse a chink in his armor has appeared.

Now in steps the Nassau County Executive THOMAS SUOZZI to see if he has any statewide dap. Like I told you folks before, SUOZZI has that whole ‘last name ends in vowel’ thing that New York voters seem to desire in their governors. I am not exactly sure how these two wannabe kings stack up head to head other than seeing that SUOZZI does have golden boy hair and SPITZER has a massive alien cranium. I say let’s size these fellas up over the next few months to see who best deserves to hold the umbrella for NY’s true king, MICHAEL ‘DADDY BLOOMBUCKS’ BLOOMBERG.

THE TALE OF THE TAPE

	NYS ATTORNEY GENERAL ELIOT SPITZER He was the front runner two years ago even before anyone knew who he was or what he did. SPITZER put himself on the map by forcing SONY Music Corp. to capitulate to using payola to get their music played. SONY was fined $10m. Incidentally, SONY’s ex-prexy TOMMY MOTTOLA throws parties that cost $10m. Maybe the A.G. can get a ticket to one of TOMMY’s parties now. He’s done an admirable job to make people think that the Attorney General’s office is like some sort of criminal prosecutor on steroids, but everyone that knows anything knows that the A.G. office is less effective at catching criminals than BARNEY FIFE was. R.I.P. DON KNOTTS

NASSAU COUNTY EXEC THOMAS SUOZZI The Nassau County Exec, like any second rate politician from Podunk, U.S.A. has never met a Mexican that he couldn’t exploit. SUOZZI canned a Nassau County employee for using the derogatory term for Mexican speaking Americans, but only two years previously he decried the influx of Mexican migrant day laborers as an undue welfare tax. Mexicans will be the least of his problems when the rest of the state learns that SUOZZI fixed most of the counties problems not with a migrant worker tax, but with a real tax, as in real estate. Property taxes in Nassau county are so steep that even white folks are mowing lawns on the weekends just to keep the lights on.

SPITZER WITH THE JIGS

Nice guy ELIOT needs a translator when it comes to jig speak. He passed over a bossy OPRAH-type upstate jig lawyer to tab a Negro Harlemite as his running mate. The next thing you knew all the Blacks were up in arms, or were they? Super jig cheerleader ALPHONSE SHARPTON waffled on whether or not to back SPITZER, but he finally came around. Whew, can you imagine what a sweaty SPITZER forehead looks like? Think New York Bay.

Note to the A.G.: AL SHARPTON lives in New Jersey. Fuck what he has to say.

Note to REVEREND AL: I didn’t really mean that last sentence sir. I realize that if I ever have to suffer the ignominy of a police baton in my arse you will be the only person that I want to see.

When REV. AL puts on his track suit and his gold chains he is like LUKE CAGE, but with a perm.

From the adjoining photo you might think that THOMAS SUOZZI relishes the hands on role of teacher as he explains the restaurant tab and tip breakdown to one of his constituents, but under SUOZZI’s direction Nassau county has remained as racially segregated and polarized as the rest of the country.

SUOZZI’s stab at putting some color in his campaign took him upstate to Buffalo, NY where he received the endorsement of former Buffalo mayor JAMES D. GRIFFIN. Buffalo’s beloved jig mayor once advised his city to ride out a mammoth snow blizzard inside their homes with a six pack. The sad thing was that Buffalo residents couldn’t have afforded the 12pack even if they wanted it. I believe Mayor GRIFFIN’s crowning achievement was that he was in office during the Buffalo wing craze in the 1990’s.

Good luck with the chickenheads TOM.

	SUPERPOWER = LASER EYEBEAMS Laser eyebeams are cool for melting snow and the what not, but I think that TOM SUOZZI is going to have to develop another power like say a banshee wail or something. Although SUOZZI did display his invisibility power along with the Attorney General during the NYC transit strike.

SUPERPOWER = RADIOACTIVE CRANIUM MINDMELD If you stand too close to the Attorney General he can telepathically take over your mind and make your head explode like that scene from the movie ‘Scanners’. Plus can you imagine getting head butt by the A.G.? He would knock you out cold and then he could read your mind and find out how much you masturbate to HALLE BERRY. I ain’t messing with the A.G. because he look like he could kill a brick.