Archive for March, 2007

B.M.F.O.A.T. WANNABES

Wednesday, March 7th, 2007

mojo jojo

Being the Baddest Motherfucker Of All Time is like the highest award you can achieve. Evar! It’s like you melted your Nobel prize and your Grammy award and then poured the moten metal on top of an Oscar. Then the Queen of England knighted you. That is how big being on the DP Dot Com B.M.F.O.A.T. list is. Real talk. So you can’t blame people for trying to crack the list which will cement their legacy of badness.

You have to have the most depraved sense of humanity if you are going to be a B.M.F.O.A.T. and you need the tools around you to help you properly execute your plans of terror. A lot of people fall short of badness greatness. Yeah, they’re bad and the whole nine, but they aren’t great at being bad. They are still in the minor leagues of bad azz talent. They are the the second stringers on Team Badd Ass. The following list is dedicated to the bench warmers to the badness crown.

m.j. MOJO JOJO
What good is being a genetically engineered genius primate if you can’t keep your azz from being pwned by elementary schoolgirls? MOJO JOJO has a swankier lab than the Professor and he still can’t seem to get his shit straight. This also reminds me… How effin’ hot is Ms.BELLUM?

sheed RASHEED WALLACE
RASHEED has tons of technical fouls, but hardly any actual arrests. He’s certainly no ISAIAH RIDER and not even a DAMON STOUDEMIRE. This man plays in Detroit and has never even been arrested with a gun in his possession. Get your hardbody weight up RASHEED, or put a smile on your fucking face.

team rocket TEAM ROCKET
I can’t front, when Pokemon first debuted I was addicted to that shit. It was compelling television because it taught children to be self-reliant and creative with their dispute resolution skills. Team Rocket was the contant foil to Pikachu and his owner. Would you have me arrested if I said that I always watched the show in the hopes that JESSIE from Team Rocket would have a nip slip? How much of a loser are you in real life if you dress up and play a team of losers?

team rocket

team rocket

zarkon COBRA COMMANDER
Who was funding this schmuck? C.O.B.R.A. had all kinds of fancy equipment and secret lairs that would have cost millions or even billions in 1980’s money. This dude never won shit, but he managed to keep the lights on. There should have been a coup inside C.O.B.R.A. and his mask should have been removed. Destro would have been a more bad azz leader except for the fact he was ghey and in love with the Commader.

zarkon JAWS
JAWS was JAMES BOND’s nemesis for a couple of movies before he ran off with some young chick wearing braces. Give him credit though for bringing his grills into mainstream culture. Just ask the folks fom ‘BLING: The Hip-Hop Jewelry Book‘.

zarkon KING ZARKON
This is the dude that Voltron pwned for life. He’s ugly as hell, but his bad azz talent… Not so much.

norey MANUEL NORIEGA
What a total beanbag this fuck up became. RONALD RAYGUN, GEORGE BUSH Sr. and OLIVER NORTH brought more cocaine into this country and sold more guns to Central America than anybody in the history of selling guns and trafficking cocaine and none of them spent a minute in jail. As a matter of fact, OLIVER NORTH is a televsion celebrity (on FOX, of course). NORIEGA tried to derail the flow of blow through Panama and look what he got for his trouble. Sucker!

rushell RUSH LIMBAUGH
And who can forget this pill popping crack addict?!? Because he has such a masterful control over the masses the conservative braintrust hasn’t revealed that he stays high on opium. Can you imagine what kind of smackhead you would have to be to advocate long prison sentences for habitual drug users when you are in the bathroom during every single audio break shoving tabs of OxyContin down your throat like Tic Tacs?!? If we found him dead in his home with some strippers pantyhose twisted around his neck it still wouldn’t mitigate the damage from this asshole’s carbon footprint.

NIA LONG, YOU OWE ME SUMTHIN’

Tuesday, March 6th, 2007

nia

It was just ten years ago that NIA LONG gave every high school dropout, college dropout, fake LANGSTON HUGHES flunkie a reason to believe in Black love. So I bought a thesaurus and I studied that shit like it was the Bible. I was going to rain down polysyllabic verses on the Black community like it was R.KELLY’s urine (nullus). I wasn’t just trying to bag up the crazy cocaine freaks like LISA NICOLE CARSON. I wanted to go to the penthouse of post-Black, post-feminism, post-pin up girl poster children. I wanted me some NIA LONG.

There hasn’t been a sister since her to make the short hair style look so sexy. Ten years after the release of the film ‘Love Jones’ and NIA LONG is still a sex symbol in the best sense of the word. I put her on par with ANGELA BASSETT for not comprimising her core values for showbiz fame and fortune. NIA LONG just looks like she has that pum pum that will be good well into her sixties. I will take it then too. You all know how I get over some grandma pum pum.

nia

BUSINESS IS BOOMING, LITERALLY…

Tuesday, March 6th, 2007

baghdad

Iraqi violence opreates on some bizarro world workday schedule. It’s like suicide bombers take the weekends off, but then they punch their alarm clocks first thing Monday morning.

What’s fucked the fuck up is that if you are making coffins in Baghdad you are making a grip of scrilla right now.

What’s even more fucked the fuck up is that no one knows exactly how many people have been offed since we decided to liberate Iraq. We do know that more Iraqis have been killed than during SADDAM’s regime. That is some hell’a wicked irony if you think about it considering he was put on trial for just that.

Shiite will be getting worse before it gets better but if there’s ever a silver lining inside the destruction of human life it’s that technological advances are spawned. I’m thinking there needs to be advances made in the biodegradation of coffins and maybe even some new materials need to be harnessed to that end. Something that the sand will easily and readily absorb.

If there aren’t any dead bodies left to count, did those people truly ever live?

HIP-HOP (And Black America) NEED A TRIPLE BYPASS…

Monday, March 5th, 2007

bypass

Editor’s note: Our big homey 40 DIESEL is blessing us with another one of his thought provoking and heartfelt drops. This joint is so good that I’m a little embarrassed because my grind here hasn’t been as profound. Well, that’s not entirely true either, but this is a damn good drop. I may need to post a picture of 40 on the DP dot com contributor’s page. I know just the one too…

Last week ByronCrawford dot com dropped a link from MSNBC about the current demise of cRap music in regards to his 21% drop in commercial viability. The article offered up many other points of why many are becoming tuned out to the music one of the topics being the oft-beaten dead horse of cRap music imagery. While reading a popular rap message board I realized how many of the people out there dismissed this has “hating” and threw out the knee jerk “Uncle Tom” and “Coon” to these black critics of the music. Furthermore, I came across the following rant from rap nemesis and classical Negroe extraordinaire Wynton Marsalis. Wynton hates rap music (ironically his brother loves it), so his scathing retorts in the article are more than biased however…

Where as I don’t agree with all of Marsalis’ statements if you don’t see some truth in his statements than you are lying to yourself. Also, I need to take issue with the notion that hating hip-hop as a black man is some sort of “self-hatred”. The sloppy group think that has plagued black people in this country for decades has done a great disservice to the collective “blackness” and as the only real form of “unity” that we seem to exhibit has often had negative effects such as Democrats taking the black vote for granted, those mentally enslaved by the corruption of the Black Church, the foolish notion that smartness is “selling out”, and other gross fallacies that have fostered and perpetuating ignorance amongst ourselves and the reflection of a people as we attempt to move in this multi-cultural society that were are a part of whether we like it or not. We stand at the crossroads with a black presidential candidate and the only Negroe responses in the mass media wonders if “Obama is black enough” and that Negroes love Hillary because of Bubba “who many African-Americans effectionately call ‘the first Black President'”. I mean that long running inside joke has made it to ABC News Tonight as a statement of fact to buttress Hillary’s standing? Pardon me while I’m starting to openly laugh myself to tears at our media portrayal. The crab barrel has gotten arguably more shallow yet the activity continues to increase…

This leads me to say that why when a black man has some sort of critique for some other black man its labeled as “selling out” or miscontrued as a forfiture of blackness? One of the most crippling elements that is retarding the development of black society in America is the overly emotional quality that cannot take criticism. Are we still that intellectually ill-equipped that any mere challenge of thought or concept warrants immediate retalitation rather than intellectual discorse? If this is the only way that people know how handle the most minute diagreement then we have to look at ourselves and wonder where we really stand as a society. Booker T. Washington was the first to articulate the needs for the newly found freed slave to gain entre in to American society, and that begat W.E.B. DuBois who responded in kind to what he felt were the flaws of Washington’s program and created the “other school” of black thought. Whether Martin vs. Malcolm, or even the evoutionary hip-hop leap of Busy Bee vs. Moe Dee.

Some of the biggest advances in thought and ideal were made out of someone critiquing the current status quo and changes were made. Its the nature of evolution. But let me clarify “critique” and “challenge”. Not this urban action music posturing based on faux saber rattling as a last ditch effort for self-promotion. Not martyring victims of their own ignorance who paid the ultimate price to whet the corporate hip-hop “reality” appetite. I’m talking about the engaging of thoughts and ideas that created the Harlem Rennaissance, and the mutli-angled struggle for civil rights….

But alas as I see hip-hop/rap rise from the slums of a burnt out Bronx and become a multi-billion dollar industry, so how we became lax. When did they start printing out the “WE MADE IT” party invitiations because I have yet to have one. It seems we’ve settled for a trifle of “success” just because we dominate media imagery regardless what the image is? Are we protecting ourselves that much that we don’t wanna rock the proverbial boat with the fear we may lose everything? And in our quest to do so we figuratively (and some times literally) assassinate anyone who dare challenge the great world of corporate hip-hop? Well label me traitor then because we still got a long ways to go and and it starts with these artists owning up to these label execs. These dudes gotta stop being the purveyors of this bullsh*t just because some old white in a suit tells them its gonna sell. Its time to own up and man up to what MAINSTREAM rap music has become. Because I don’t wanna hear people crying in 10 years about “What happened” just like black folks seem to be losing in other aspects of our lives in America.

This ain’t about Cosby, Marsalis, Stanley Crouch, or any of them. “Suck my d*ck” and “He’s an old coon” aren’t worthwhile defenses to people who can write essays about why they think you’re wrong. Educate and arm yourself if you wanna correct this and move out of that glass house before you start chuckin’ stones. Its about a generation learning how to be men with out sacrificing our manhood. Malcolm X once said “The Nation of Islam was the greatest organization the black man ever created and n*ggers ruined it.” Sadly that’s becoming hip-hop’s veritable epitath.

Oh yeah, fuck you to them ig’nant ass bamas who think it’s fun to get toddlers blunted… But thats a whole ‘nother story…

Leaving The Toilet Seat Up For Women’s History Month…

Sunday, March 4th, 2007

black love

Women’s History Month kicked off last week and in my house it means one month of me falling asleep directly after sex, throwing my clothes on the floor instead of the hamper, never calling in to give my whereabouts, and of course, the coup de gras, leaving the toilet seat up. This is to remind my lady that no matter the strides that women may make in American society and across the globe this rap shit is still based in patriarchal supremacy. This means blowjobs forever without reciprocation or even a thank you acknowledgment. Didn’t the Godfather tell you bitches it was ‘A Man’s World’.

Seriously, don’t tell C.S. I used the ‘B’ word or my azz will eating microwave egg rolls for all of March. She’s not a rabid feminist or anything but she hates the ‘B’ word with a passion. I think one of her former mans used to wear her azz out with the word. I told her that I would only stop calling her a bitch if she allowed me to call her a cunt. She actually acquiesed. If you think about it and be really honest with yourself then you will have to admit that the word cunt might be the sexiest word in the english language. A cunt just sounds like something filled with fruit juices. Imagine peeling the skin from a cunt and drinking all the goodness inside. Mmmmmm. Do you see how enjoyable a cunt is? Women need to recognize…

Speaking of JAMES BROWN… How is it that ANNA NICOLE is laid to rest before the Godfather?!?

Some birth control pills are so effective that they don’t just kill ovaries, they kill the ovary holders.

HILLARY CLINTON’s college thesis is debated as though it were the greatest piece of literature on sociology since JOHN LOCKE. I’m sure that attendng Wellesley helped HILLARY think outside of the box, but c’mon people… Can’t we all recognize a carpetbagger?