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LOHANS versus OLSENS

The second cage match catfight gets a little more gully and a lot more wealthy when we pit the hardbody Hollyweird tandem of LINDSAY LOHAN and ALIANA LOHAN against the two-headed K-Mart dynamo OLSEN twins. The OLSEN twins have so much money they were rumored to cut a GOD a check to help him pay off some mortgage issues to a bank in Israel.

The OLSEN twins have been caking up since they were six months old and for the next two decades they have made seventeen motion picture apparances as well as a half dozen television programs always starring as two precocious twin sisters. The OLSEN twins practically do everything together and they both attended New York University upon their graduation from high school. The OLSEN twins fairytale lifestyle is 180 degrees away from the hardscrabble, climb to the top of the heap made by LINDSAY LOHAN and her sister ALIANA.

Hardscrabble in the well-to-do white sense of the word, the LOHANS relocated from the Bronx to Nassau county, New York. LINDSAY and ALI’s father had to do two separate stints in the pen because of his risky business on Wall Street. While in and out of the pokey his daughter LINDSAY’s career has flourished. Now that the father has returned home from prison LINDSAY has accepted the mantle as active LOHAN jailbird. Two arrests in 2007 netted LINDSAY a day in jail and three years probation. Add those charges to the three times that LINDSAY has entered drug rehab facilities and it’s obvious that the eldest LOHAN could kick the OLSEN twins anorexic arses by herself.

Where the OLSEN twins dominate is in the flyover states competition. There isn’t a Wal-Mart which doesn’t hock OLSEN branded products marketed directly to the most insecure consumer demographic on the planet – 13 year old girls. If you live in Kansas and your daughter has just had her first period there’s a solid gold chance that mom has bought your little girl a box of MARY-KATE and ASHLEY’s “My First Period” tampons by Tampax. The OLSEN twins are more branded than cattle from Kansas City.

I predict that the LOHANS defeat the OLSENS easily and ALIANA LOHAN regrettably records another horrible Christmas album. While the OLSEN twins might be the wealthiest sibling tag team this side of NICKY and PARIS HILTON their combined curb weight is no match for LINDSAY LOHAN’s backside and overall hardbody jailhouse physique.

SIMPSONS vs. SPEARS

So many people have been ready to throw JAMIE LYNN SPEARS under the bus since the news of her pregnancy surfaced last week. You know her story is big since it has almost supplanted the talk of steroids use in baseball as the major woe for the decline in American civilization. I certainly blame no one and I eagerly look forward to the day when JAMIE will undoubtedly use her 15 minutes to leverage the publication of her nude pictures.

The larger question is what will JAMIE LYNN look like when she returns from her maternal duties. JAMIE LYNN’s older sister BRITNEY had been fast-tracked for success and pop culture superstardom since she could walk. BRITNEY was a Mouseketeer and child prodigy who has sold over 80 million albums in her recording career. You would have to admit that the SPEARS duo was a pretty formidable pop culture tag team, but how do you think these two sisters would fare in a cage match catfight against another pair of star sisters?

Sit back and relax this Christmas as DP Dot Com presents a night of cage match catfights between some of American pop culture’s most talked about sister combos. Our first match pits BRITNEY and JAMIE LYNN SPEARS versus the SIMPSON duo, ASHLE and JESSICA. The SIMPSON’s are also singers slash actresses that were raised in the confines of the Christian fundmentalist system. As soon as their father and mother, both church teachers found out that the Jesus racket was drying up they decided to push their daughters towards the white, hot lights of fame and superstardom.

When you compare BRITNEY and JESSICA as far as their singing talent you have to favor BRITNEY, but not by much. It’s just that JESSICA is that bad a singer. JESSICA however, does pwn BRITNEY in the body department although I can’t confirm if those tits are real or implants they sure are milky and white. As an industry whore BRITNEY nudges past JESSICA again. BRITNEY presumably effed JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE and since N’Sync > 98 Degrees, JUSTIN > NICK LACHEY.

It was widely reported that JESSICA had been a virgin until she was married to LACHEY, but right after their divorce in 2006 JESSICA has more than made up for lost time by effing somewhat comedian DANE COOK, jackass JOHNNY KNOXVILLE, Maroon 5 frontman ADAM LEVINE, JOHN MAYER and Dallas Cowboys quarterback TONY ROMO.

JESSICA’s sister ASHLEE is where the SIMPSON tagteam starts to fall the fuck off. ASHLEE began her showbiz career as a backup dancer for her sister. This is pretty bad since her sister is a singer of extremely marginal talent. I think ASHLEE my have had some boob augmentation as well, but I can’t call it. ASHLEE’s greatest publicity came after she was in a lip-synch debacle on Saturday Night Live. The younger SIMPSON dosn’t hold the same sexual morays that her older sister once did and is on the record for saying that “amazing sex” is the key to any relationship.

JAMIE LYNN SPEARS has barely given herself anytime to get her acting career underway before she released the news that she is three months pregnant from boyfriend from Mississippi. This physically confirms that the SPEARS sisters do actually fuck people. And they like it raw. These are pluses for the SPEARS in the cage match catfights. Adding to their totals are BRITNEY’s stints in rehab, shaving her head bald, and all the times she has gone out in public with no covering on her cooter.

Even though JESSICA SIMPSON clearly has the best body of this group it’s the SPEARS’s sisters younger ages and the potential to use their poopchutes to repopulate the planet by themselves that gives them the edge in this matchup.