More Bounce To The Ounce…

February 5th, 2009

jessica simpson

Fools have lost their mind if they think JESSICA SIMPSON ain’t stil sexy. Sheeeeid, she became more sexy if you ask me. When she was all slim you know how some people would have lost their minds if they saw a guy like me walking down the street with a girl like her? Now that she has a few curves those same people would leave us alone since they are stuck on TAYLOR SWIFT.

Winnnnntime!

Guess what party people? The part that counts is on the inside. I’m not talking about her heart, or her generous spirit. I’m talking about her vagina. You know what kind of business you will be in once JESSICA’s stuff gets moist? You might could drown in that love if you ain’t a good swimmer when you are wearing her thighs like earmuffs. Fools need to stop sleeping on the thick chicks.

Better Living Through Science…

February 4th, 2009

lakshmi

The hindu goddess of wealth and prosperity, Lakshmi, has extra limbs. This makes sense to me since from time immemorial people have always needed extra hands and more hours in the day to help them with their agrarian efforts. So when this little girl was born with essentially a headless conjoined twin attached to her body this was seen by the local village as a sign that the goddess Lakshmi was favoring them.

Science however, knew that this birth was more than likely due to the runoff of toxic chemicals that exists throughout the Indian continent’s environment. There were tons of malformed kids born right after the U.S. invasion of Iraq because of all the phosphorus and depleted uranium that was deposited into the ground water system. Shit happens.

Fresh off pushing a man to kill off his family, including two sets of twins, our friends at Kaiser Permanente helped a mother of six deliver octuplets. She is single and unemployed and now has a litter of 14 children. Science gives and then it takes away, and then it gives so much that it hurts. From removing the burden of unmanageable extra limbs to adding the burden of unmanageable extra kids we manifest our God complex through reproductive science.

lakshmi

BONGS OVER BROOKLYN…

February 4th, 2009

dp bong

The Brooklyn Museum of Art First Saturday will be so crunktastical this weekend. Being Black should be this great 365 days a year.

DJ Spinna & DJ Rich Medina will join forces to bring their WTF?!? soundsystem to the museum’s grand ballroom.

JAMES BROWN x FELA KUTI

No matter the weather this weekend, Brooklyn will be extremely lifted.

*The Rub @ Southpaw jumps off afterwards*

Bring Mannywood To Taxpayer Field…

February 4th, 2009

mannywood

The Los Angeles Dodgers aren’t serious about keeping MANNY RAMIREZ in their uniform for the next several seasons. I would like to see him in a Mets uniform for the rest of his career. How do we accomplish this? We use the same tricky accounting tactics that have brought the banking system to the verge of collapse.

The new Mets’ ballpark in Queens is being named CitiField after the CitiBank corporation secured the rights to the name. The same CitiBank that has been grabbing a fistfull of the American taxpayers retirement funds in order to buy jet planes for their executives and other bullshit that we don’t even know about.

CitiBank needs to pony up a billion dollars to the Mets so that they can sign MANNY RAMIREZ for the next fifty years. They can call it a World Series write down. All MANNY wants is to be paid more money than ALEX RODRIGUEZ and I agree with that. Gay-ROD hasn’t done shit other than blow DEREK JETER and have his tips frosted.

This is our effin’ money party people.

Rough, Rugged & Raw: Gore-Tex Euro Hiker

February 3rd, 2009

timbo

One of the reasons I haven’t been able to co-sign the Nike boots movement is because I am still deep with Timberlands to the tune of about forty pair. I might have two(or three) pairs of classic wheat highs alone. I also have instructions that I am to be buried in those joints. Let’s face it, Timberland classic wheat construction boots are the most Hip-Hop shoe of all time.

The pair I have pictured above are some super deluxe Gore-Tex Euro hikers. They are hands down my favorite pair. I have done all kinds of outdoorsy shit in these boots. Weeklong camping trips upstate. Construction sites. Shorts and wools socks in the cool parts of the spring and autumn. The only problem for Timberland with these boots is that they were made TOO well.

Timberland has the bad habit of making products that outlast the users desire to complete the activity they bought the shoes for. It’s like you buy a pair of hikers because you love to go camping every four weeks during the summer months and then the next thing you know you have these boots for over twenty years. Timberland has to return to designing boots for these people in mind.

You can’t make shoes for the urban consumer. No matter what race or class, the urban consumer is fickle and flighty. The heartland consumer is the person who makes consumption choices on some survivalist type ish. They buy shoes with the hope that this will be the pair they ride out the earthquakes, tornadoes and race wars with. The urban consumer just wants to be able to wear it with jeans.

I want to show you some of the boots from Timberland that I own. I have a pair that is over twenty years old. It doesn’t fit my feet any longer but I have kept them to remind me of the sacrifice I made to acquire them. They are the original Iditarod Race superboot. Most of you know them as the “40 Belows”. Just wait until you see those…