Hot Rickey Over Rice…

January 13th, 2009

ricey

I know my ass is getting old when I start seeing my childhood heroes voted into the various Halls of Fame. The MLB Hall Of Fame has selected two of my favorite players to be inducted during this year’s ceremony.

JIM RICE – The quintessential slugger and Boston Red Sox outfielder. Think of ALBERT BELLE, before ALBERT BELLE. The Boston press corps hated RICE like he had broken into their house and stole their Christmas presents. All RICE did was hit the ball. Far, and a lot. RICE was part of the great hittting outfielders of this era who could hit for power and placement. He didn’t simply slug home runs but he hit singles, doubles and the rarest triples all with aplomb.

Way before steroids had infiltrated baseball you would find that the best hitters were multi-dimensional. VLAD GUERRERO is a throwback to JIM RICE, ANDRE DAWSON, DALE MURPHY and DAVE PARKER. I wonder what these players numbers might have been if they had access to the cream and the clear?

RICKEY HENDERSON – This man needs no introduction whatsoever. If you were making an all-time fantasy league team you would definitely have to select RICKEY HENDERSON without reservation. His numbers are undeniable. He ranks first in stolen bases, first in runs scored, second overall in walks and fourth all time in games played. HENDERSON did log in 25 seasons.

HENDERSON was so fun to watch early in his career with Oakland. He definitely is the O.G. baseball player with swagger. HENDERSON knew that he pwned the game back then. Some of RICKEY’s reported antics have tarnished his legacy among a few of his fans, but for the rest of us I think we can separate the player from the propaganda of the press. What I respect about RICKEY and JIM RICE is that they played the game of baseball with no apologies despite how poorly they may have been described by the sportswriters.

Now let’s see if these sphincter hat sportswriters can get the big homey Hawk in next year…

Ho’s Throughout History…

January 12th, 2009

esther

Since we have had some decent threads of late relating to the Middle East I thought I would keep the party rocking with this little treat.

I was at my favorite store in the impoverished ‘hood of Hempstead when I came across the doll action figure pictured above. Her name is Esther and she was one of the concubines to a Persian king. I forget dude’s name but we all know it wasn’t Xerxes since that dude was teh gheyer than a motherfucker. I’ll assume you saw 300.

The deal with Esther is that one of the Persian king’s generals was all pissed off with the Jews (yeah, I know, what else is new?) since the Jews wouldn’t bow down to anyone so this general drafted up a plot to kill all the Jews and the what not. Esther got wind of the plot and tried to prevent it from going down. She cooked up a crazy feast for the king and then laid up with him that night and then followed that up with another consecutive night of feasting and fisting with the B.J. combo on the side.

The king was totally sprung and told Esther that she could have whatever she likes *sings T.I. song* (not tall Israeli, but T.I.). Esther asked the king to spare the Jews and kill the general that was popping off this bullshit. The king was so smitten with Esther that he told the Jews to arm themselves and kill off their enemies, including the enemies’ wives and the children. So in this manner we can see that the situation in Gaza is simply another chapter in the longest story ever told.

What I enjoyed the most though is the fact that A.J. Wright was having a 50% off sale on all toys marked down on clearance. The Esther action figure was only $5 bucks. Yeah those three kings were wise. They knew well enough to shop during the “after Christmas” sales. My Hebrew frugality stays winning.

Quoth the Raven, Nevermore…

January 12th, 2009

flacco

I have learned over the last several years that I should never bet against either the Ravens or the Eagles. I just need to to leave those teams alone forevermore (no EDGAR ALLEN POE).

The interesting note about the Ravens vs. Titans tilt is that the game was actually won in favor of the Titans defense in statistics only. The Titans gained more yards, secured more first downs and held the ball longer than the Ravens. Unfortunately for the Titans, the Ravens still managed to score more points. The bend but doesn’t break defense lives to play another game.

Really Carolina, KURT WARNER?!? This isn’t 1999. Or is it? Damn you CHERICA ADAMS. The ghost of RAE CARRUTH’s dead baby moms and stillborn fetus continues to shit on the post season dreams of the Carolina Panthers.

What happened to BRANDON JACOBS? He couldn’t get it done when it mattered. He should shoot himself with PLAXICO’s pistol.

The Steelers look like they are so ’bout it right now. How about that? An all Penn state Super Bowl is possible. I think I see CANDICE doing a two-step.

titans DP = 144pts
QB – Donovan McNabb = 23pts
RB – Chris Johnson = 16pts
WR – Hines Ward = 7pts
TE – Antonio Gates = 5pts
FLEX- Steve Smith = 10pts
K- David Akers = 11pts
D/ST- Tennessee = 0pts

steelers Big Homie = 175pts
QB – Donovan McNabb = 23pts
RB – Le’Ron McClain = 1pt
WR – Larry Fitzgerald = 22pts
TE – Kevin Boss = 5pts
FLEX- Steve Smith – 10pts
K- David Akers = 11pts
D/ST- Steelers = 11pts

ravens Big Rils = 122pts
WR – Santonio Holmes = 8pts
WR – Larry Fitzgerald = 22pts
TE – Antonio Gates = 5pts
FLEX – DeAngelo Williams = 6pts
D/ST – Baltimore = 5pts

steelers Dirty Jerz = 95pts
QB – Joe Flacco = 14pts
RB – Willie Parker = 26pts
RB – Brian Westbrook = 4pts
FLEX – DeAngelo Williams = 6pts
K – Jeff Reed = 5pts
D/ST – Steelers = 11pts

giants Fresh2Def = 141pts
WR-Steve Smith = 10pts
WR-Larry Fitzgerald = 22pts
TE-Antonio Gates = 5pts
FLEX- Brian Westbrook = 4pts
D/ST-Giants = 4pts

ravens LM = 126pts
QB-Philip Rivers = 33pts
RB-Chris Johnson = 16pts
RB-Derrick Ward = 7pts
WR-Hines Ward = 7pts
TE-Todd Heap = 2pts
FLEX- Brian Westbrook = 4pts
K-John Kasay = 1pts
D/ST-Ravens = 5pts

ravens King Blair = 158pts
WR-Steve Smith = 10pts
WR-Larry Fitzgerald = 22pts
TE-Antonio Gates = 5pts
FLEX- Brian Westbrook = 4pts
D/ST-Ravens = 5pts

steelers Bert = 132pts
RB – Brian Westbrook = 4pts
WR – Hines Ward = 7pts
TE – Kevin Boss = 5pts
FLEX – Chris Johnson = 16pts
K – Matt Stover = 7pts
D/ST – Steelers = 11pts

titans BigNat = 68pts
QB- Eli Manning = 8pts
RB- Chris Johnson = 16pts
WR- Steve Smith = 10pts
FLEX- Brian Westbrook = 4pts
K- Rob Bironas = 4pts
D/ST- Titans = 0pts

The Association’s Most Viable Propaganda

January 11th, 2009

cavs celts

I’m not totally convinced that LeBRON JAMES is ready to be the Association’s Most Valuable Player just yet. I’m not one of those dudes that jumps out of the window during the NBA pre-season i.e. the first 41 games. Let’s take it easy and see who has the best second half. This is when the champs show up. I can’t get serious about basketball until after the Super Bowl. I just can’t.

So why did I find myself at the Mudville 9 Saloon on Chambers Street this past Friday watching the hapless Nets fall to the Bucks who have my favorite name for all sports teams. My only complaint is that the Bucks logo doesn’t remark currency as opposed to some forest animal.

bucks

The feature game in Mudville that night was the Cleveland vs. Boston matchup. At first I thought the game was in Beantown since the Celtics were wearing their tighty whiteys. The game was actually being hosted by Cleveland but I suppose they had some new uni’s to merchandise so therefore the hometeam wore dark colors. Who can follow how many different jerseys your favorite team wears anymore? The NBA is more egregious of this offense than any professional sports league. Combine the look of these retarded uni’s with all the foreign players and I think that I’m sometimes watching a scrimmage between DKV Joventut and Maccabi Electra.

So everyone was talking about this game all week, and by everyone I mean KENNY from Kenny’s Kitchen who held my ears hostage this week about the shortcomings of ALLEN IVERSON, the injury prone TRACY McGRADY and the emergence of LeBRON JAMES. I’m not gonna lie when I tell you that I can’t understand 90% of what KENNY says but I clearly know when he is talking about MING YAO, KOBE BRYANT and LeBRON JAMES.

If a recent immigrant thinks LeBRON JAMES is the truth who am I to argue? The problem is that everyone who comes to America knows KOBE and LeBRON. Blame that fact on the global muscle of Nike. These athletes represent our country inside of Asia. Not politicians, or even movie stars for that matter, but athletes for whom the athletic footwear and apparel industry use as their lynchpin marketers. Do you know how much money Nike invests in KOBE and LeBRON in the research and development departments alone?

So I’m not surprised that LeBRON is off to a tremendous start for this campaign in the ’08-’09 Association season. I’m still wondering if he will he be able to finish off like he did on Friday with thunderous dunks and laser sharp jump shots if he is going to be the only star on Cleveland’s squad? I don’t doubt that LeBRON is a major talent, and for that matter a monster pitchman, its just that I am holding on to my hyperbole until I have the chance to bear WITNESS.

BTW, these prototypes are the hype…

LeBron 6's

The Autopsy Is Still Inconclusive…

January 11th, 2009

tupactopsy

However Tupac is still dead.

This Sunday school drop is for the seven readers that would even think to read my column on a Sunday as opposed to doing other shit like a) masturbating to Maya Hills videos pulled down from xnxx.com, b) watching ‘Like It Is’ with Gil Noble, c) sleeping, d) did I say masturbating?

I just read a great article inside of the Village Voice about the demise of the record industry. I call it a great article even though I ultimately disagree with the author.

How the Music Industry Died: Steve Knopper’s Appetite for Self-Destruction

Voice columnist Rob Harvilla interviews author Steve Knopper and he ultimately concludes that the death knell for the record industry was the rebuke of Napster. This guy Knopper thinks that if Universal Music Group or (name your label) had adopted the social networking possibilities within the file-sharing community these record labels would have been able to stave off their deaths.

Nahh, I don’t think so. Just like we will eventually run out of fossil fuels that we extract from the Earth the need for oversized distribution systems for music (and entertainment) for that matter was bound to run its course. Technology finally pushed these dinosaurs off a cliff. Monetizing content on social networks will not support the top heavy burdens that major labels carry. Their executive salaries alone cut away any profit that they might garner from .99 cent downloads and ringtones.

The only thing that could support these executives were CD sales. $16.99 CD sales. Those days are long gone now. I think I bought two CD’s in 2008. I didn’t even copp ‘808’s & Heartbreak’ and this was my favorite album of the year. Maybe I can return my ‘Rising Down’ to Target and exchange it for 808’s? I doubt that though. I look at all the CD’s in my collection and I definitely feel like I did my part for the music industry.

My solution for the recording industry is for buyouts to start taking place, but NOT from other media companies. The truth is that media companies are now a dime for a dozen. Anyone with a weblog and a YouTube channel is a media company. Byron Crawford doesn’t even have a YouTube channel and he is a media company. Nah’Right is a media company that helps disseminate current content for other media companies. Crunk & Disorderly and Concrete Loop are both media companies. The only thing that a media company has of value are the eyeballs of their viewers.

Some media companies mistakenly have their lawyers attack other media companies because they claim to have exclusive broadcasting rights to some piece of content. Do you think that the content gives a flying fuck who owns it? Hells no. The content wants to be free to be viewed and praised and critiqued and loved and hated. I know that these corporate lawyers need to justify their salaries just like the record label executives did but if there are some heads that need to see the guillotine it should be the lawyers up next.

The only way for the music industry to survive now is for companies that sell other types of products that people buy out of need or desire to produce compilation CD’s to be included with those products. Like for instance, with every pair of Nike ACG boots you get a free Wale CD featuring his Nike boots song. When you buy some alcohol like cognac (negro health water) you will get a CD with all the songs that mention Hennessy. It shouldn’t be old music either. All you artists on the come up need to get your jingles game up and start making some commercials for your favorite products. Maybe Kool-Aid might pick y’all up and sign y’all to their new label – Grape Drink Records.

This is the only hope for the record industry at this point. There won’t be any government bailout for UMG or Sony, but hopefully Fruit of the Loom or Tropicana wants to get into the music buisness.