Archive for the ‘C.R.E.A.M.’ Category

BILLY SUNDAY’s Ghettofabulous Holiday Gift Guidebook

Thursday, November 30th, 2006

fs

For the price of two LCD plasma screens you can get your flat screen on fool! Holler at your bizzoy.

fs

KILLA BEES 4 LIFE = WU TANG FOREVER

Tuesday, November 28th, 2006

wu tang forever

Rest In Peace to the OL’ DIRTY BASTARD


Tonight’s show at B.B.Kings featuring RAEKWON, REDMAN, KEITH MURRAY and SMIF-N-WESSUN promises to be one of the great Hip-Hop events in NYC this year. Along with the all star lineup performing on stage the blogging superfriends will be in the building.

OH WORD! will undoubtedly drop a recap. Check him out tomorrow.

RAEKWON featuring GHOSTFACE & NAS – ‘Verbal Intercourse’

BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING = PATRIOT GAMES

Friday, November 24th, 2006

shopper riot

Are you kids doing your best for our boys overseas? If you are reading this crappy blog instead of fighting with a horde of ravenous holiday shoppers you are not being too patriotic. Put on your Polo sweater with the American flag knitted on the front side and get your azz into the mix. It’s extremely important that you go further into debt this fourth quarter since real estate values are already dipping and I’m sure the stock market will follow suit. American corporations need us to pledge allegiance to all the plastic cards inside of our wallets. Even if you decide not to mosh with the hordes of people with suspect hygiene customs you can still use the internets and the television to submit your offering to the Gross Domestic Product. The objective is to keep Wall Street thinking that we actually have money to pay for our shit so that it doesn’t devalue everything and cause us to pay $50 for an apple.

shopper riot

China could help us out too by not trying to bring so many Third World nations into solvency. What is the Chinese’s problem anyhoo? Didn’t they get an advance copy of DARWIN’s ‘Natural Selection For Global Economics’? There’s a reason all these African and South American countries are shit poor. GOD designed it that way. These countries are still dealing with tadpole and monkey based economies. They haven’t evolved to our level yet. All China is accomplishing by helping to remove these countries from the supervision of the International Monetary Fund is merely a cosmetic facelift. Just like when that alien race came to Earth and helped the Egyptians build the pyramids. And look what happened after the aliens left? The Egyptians went right back to hating on the Jews.

bugaboo

Stay out of the way of the baby carriage pictured above this holiday season. It’s called the Bug-A-Boo and it is owned by only the richest, most elitist, high powered uteri on the planet. These ladies are so paid in full that they usually have a Black jamaican slave push their seedling around. When these broads hit the streets with their babies they demand that you get out of their way. If you thought MICHAEL ‘KRAMER’ RICHARDS had a bad mouth then you should see one of these people after they’ve spilled their latte on the calfskin suede Burberry riding jacket. This is what I get for trying to shop at Crate & Barrel anyhoo. Fifty years ago I’d be hanging from a crate and barrel… yeah. It’s just that I hate shopping with Black people. They remind me that our destiny is that of the wretched of the Earth when you place idols before GOD.

gucci baby

You already know that Black folks are spending a gang of paper on some Air Jordans. That’s a recorded fact by the study groups that track jig spending habits. Black mothers are treating their sons to these overpriced gaming systems too. Along with that these ladies will give their kids a copy of Grand Theft Auto so that they can get in some practice before they attempt to jack someone’s car in real life. But the number one selling items will be for the Black babies. Long before these bastards are taught to speak or read they are branded. This is why they become problems as pubescents and adolescents because they are used to being branded and not too many parents can afford Ed Hardy clothing for a teenager. So if you want to avoid Black holiday shoppers like MICHAEL ‘KRAMER’ RICHARDS does you need to stay a mile away from Foot Locker, Toys’R’Us and A Child’s Place. For that matter, avoid any store with Lay-A-Way.

chanel baby

M.D.O.A.T. (Most Downloaded Of All Time)

Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006

rapestar

While some of you cornballs sit on your azzes watching internets smut and waiting to see the SoundScan numbers for Jigger’s latest CD to exalt the fact that he only sold 500K his first week out just know that the ‘Kingdome Come’ album has pushed the Clipse out of the top spot for most downloaded. Evar.

This is big stuff considering the Clipse is the number one rap group for guys who moved into urban areas from the midwest, who wear extra schmedium t-shirts and skateboard to Starbucks. They also have high powered internets connections and slick looking iMacs at their office desks. These clowns can recite every single Clipse verse evar made, even the the ones from the hidden track on the ‘We Tongue Kiss Chad Hugo For Cheap’ mixtape. Damn these kids are good. How meta-ironic is it that the Vulcan hand sign remains some kind of post-Masonic homoboy hand gesture after several decades?

nerds

There is going to have to be a new ranking system for all the artists whose work circumnavigates the globe millions of times two weeks before their official retail debut. MICHAEL ‘Kramer’ RICHARDS would call it the Nigger Nielsens. The Ghetto Fab Gallup Poll. How do you even record these numbers with all the different peer to peer networks and file sharing databases that exist in cyberspace? This is why discerning Hip-Hop record executives come to DALLASPENN.COM instead of sites like Almost Black Gawker. We here at DP dot com have answers for the new media. We have a system that aggregates the number of hipster outlets that review urban music online and then take a total of the comments that are pro artist and multiply them by the number of posts in which the artist name is mentioned.

Okay, I was just bullshiting there. Instead I simply go to Google and see how many times an artist name comes up alongside their new project. Just as you might have guessed, JAY-Z is using tons of that Def Jam petty cash to hire high school dropouts to troll the web. Don’t get my words twisted either, that’s not a dig at my homey ESKAY. I am shitting on the folks that had my comments shut down on the AOL website. Hate on haters. We still here. So here is the DP dot com rating system for cRap albums that are downloaded from the internets. Each Hip-Hop Retahd is like the equivalent of 500,000 albums downloaded. Read it and weep Clipse stans…

jigger

JAY-Z ‘Kingdome Come’ over 1.5M downloads
That’s platinum straight out of the gate.

clipse

CLIPSE ‘We Got It For Cheap’ a little over 1M+ downloads
With every download you get points toward a Bape pearl necklace.

clipse

GHOSTFACE ‘Fishscale’
THE ROOTS ‘Game Theory’
anything MF DOOM
anything J DILLA

The above albums didn’t exceed 1 million downloads, but the overwhelming percentage of these file shares were from white kids in the exurbs.

clipse

DIDDY ‘Press Play’ total downloads = 500K
total downloads from Ness’ computer at BadBoy offices = 450K

PlayStation 3 Is REALLY Killing People…

Sunday, November 19th, 2006

blaow!

Most of you are too young to remember the Cabbage Patch riots in the 1980’s where thousands of Americans were killed over a niche company’s well-marketed childrens doll. The irony of this story is that people were killing each other for the doll which the company had started manufacturing as a response to all the children being aborted and their own Right To Life beliefs. Don’t bother looking up this backstory on Wikipedia, nobody knows the truth like DP Dot Com. Anyhoo, the irony continues…

There’s over a month to go before we celebrate the birth of the infant baby Jesus by killing a baby tree, which incidentally, we need to continue to replenish the oxygen within the atmosphere and the killing of our fellow man for consumer items has kicked off a week before Thanksgiving. In what is a beautiful irony of life imitating art we see that video games actually do cause violence. The debut of the PlayStation 3 console has inspired people to start their very own crime sprees. I hope the people that make Grand Theft Auto are taking notes and putting this into their next game. For some of these kids their trip to BestBuy was the first time they left their bedroom’s since the XBox 360 dropped into stores.

Remember when you used to play cops and robbers and you and your friends had a ‘gentlemen’s agreement’ on playing dead when you were shot?

JACQUI HERNANDEZ
remembers…