Archive for the ‘BeYONCE Factor’ Category

LITTLE BLONDE BLACK GIRLS…

Thursday, November 1st, 2007

cold as ice

KEYSHIA COLE covers Vibe magazine next month, and HARRIET TUBMAN weeps in heaven. Naked and blonde. There are all kinds of metaphors that float around my head as I look at this cover. The first one is WTF!?! I thought this magazine was helmed by a Black chick? If my memory serves me correctly I think DANYEL SMITH is also a bleached out blonde chick right now so maybe this is a movement.

I make all kinds of jokes about the fact that BeYONCE is the best of both worlds because she is a blonde Black girl with a big booty, but those were actually jokes. You know, sarcasm and shit. I don’t want to see any more Black girls with blonde tresses and I don’t want to see any more white chicks with badonk-a-donks. Not until we have totally dismantled supremacy. Otherwise I want all of this racial misappropriation to cease. If RIHANNA goes blonde our economy will collapse.

My real problem with the Vibe cover isn’t so much that Mrs. COLE is aping MARILYN MONROE, but that she is doing it nekkid. Who co-signs this shit other then white men? I’m tired of Black women being openly marketed as sexual objects. No, really. I don’t want to see a spread of MARY J BLIGE in Playboy. You can best believe that my dream in life would be to see MJB totally nude, but I don’t want anyone other than myself, DIDDY, K-Ci and KENDU to have access to that view.

The biggest issue is that by going blonde KEYSHIA COLE is no longer a Hood Rat Queen, but an American Beauty. There’s some not so subtle propaganda popping off with this cover. Note to all my little blonde Black Girls… Don’t believe the hype.

The BeYONCE Factor Versus RIHANNA a/k/a The Black Cinderella-ella-ella-ay-ay-ay

Wednesday, June 13th, 2007

ella ella ay ay

You haven’t seen this feature in awhile because BeYONCE is an absolute beast on her competition. She whupped ASHANTI so badly, poor little hairy ba’ygirl can’t even get another album done. DAYYYUM!

She also took out MARIAH CAREY and JESSICA SIMPSON. BeYONCE even beat out my brownskin baby momma OPRAH WINFREY. But this Factor should be a good challenge.

RIHANNA is being groomed much the same way that BeYONCE was. Her handlers have been careful not to have her speak too much. They have conscripted the legendary rapper Jay-Z to be seen as a mentor to her causing a somewhat scandal in the press regarding his relationship with BeYONCE. I have even seen RIHANNA dressed up just like BeYONCE too. Do you think that RIHANNA could ever replace Lady B? Enough talk bitches, let’s factor…

Here’s a quick rewind of the format for your scoring information…
In parentheses are the factors that give someone a high or low score depending on how we at the website rate them. If a subject does exceptionally well with a factor then they will receive the full allotment of points (100).

1) Can you say her name – (the more‘Black’ sounding the name of the subject, the higher the number of points)
2) Can she pay her bills – (cash rules everything around us – does the subject have any?)
3) Is she a survivor – (has the subject had to endure scandal/controversy?)
4) Baby boy – (has the subject ever had an abortion?)
5) Cater to you – (would you want a backrub from the subject?)
6) Dangerously in love – (is the subject in a relationship that can’t last?)
7) Bootylicious – (this should speak for itself)

ella ella ay ay

RIHANNA is actually more than ten years younger than BeYONCE in real life, but I wonder if her youth will serve her in The Factor. Here we go…

1) Can you say her name – 100 points (RIHANNA is just as jig-fabulous as BeYONCE)
2) Can she pay her bills – 100 points (three platinum albums in less than three years)
3) Is she a survivor – 100 points (from digitally voiced dancehall queen to synthesized pop princess)
4) Baby boy – 100 points* (she is 19yrs old from from Guyana and Barbados = minimum one abortion)
5) Cater to you – 100 points (did I say um-ba-rella already?)
6) Dangerously in love – 100 points (late night visits from the prez of Def Jam – you bet!)
7) Bootylicious – 100 points (do you know what 19yr old poon smells like? Legal seafood.)

RIHANNA’s BeYONCE Factor score = 700 points!

Holy crap! This can’t be possible. No one can equal in womanhood to BeYONCE KNOWLES. This has to be a mistake…

Update: The good folks over at Bossip Dot Com have helped us sort out this mess. The queen of all women BeYONCE KNOWLES would never let her angelic wings appear. RIHANNA, not so much. We just deducted 50 points from RIHANNA’s Factor score.

ella ella ay ay

ella ella ay ay

BeYONCE KNOWLES, GODDESS OF ASS (ReMix)

Wednesday, June 6th, 2007

bey

BLU CHEEZ was tooling around the web looking for some pics of various celebs to put into the photo albums section of this site when he brought something interesting to my attention. BeYONCE KNOWLES is photographed with her ass to the camera. A lot. I don’t think there is any singer slash actress that is photographed in that position as much as BeYONCE is. Certainly not JESSICA SIMPSON who is somewhat comparable to BeYONCE in resume only. Even when she was trying to pick that crappy ‘Dukes of hazzard’ movie out of the toilet she wasn’t giving backshots away.

bey

The only reason I’m complaining about being forced to stare at BeYONCE’s azz so much is because she has a dynamite rack also. Can I get some cleave shots once in a while? Is that too much to ask? Every red carpet event has BeYONCE turning around and poking out her seat, but I can never find any pics of her facing the camera and grabbing her ankles. I’m sure theres a race card for me to pull out in this mess but I will let y’all draw your own inferences.

bey

I read this article the other day where BeYONCE says that she has to perform as a character named SASHA in order to seperate her true self from her agressively sexy performances. So in effect she plays a character that she’s not comfortable with because she knows the character is baseless and poorly developed. How many other people have careers where they have to seperate themselves from their job because the thought of the work they do makes them cringe? Other than say, hookers.

bey

The Dark Phoenix Saga (ReMix)

Tuesday, June 5th, 2007

jean grey

Copping those Air Max 90’s reminded me of how much I enjoyed the Dark Phoenix saga inside the X-Men comic book series. As a matter of fact I think this event was sadder for me then learning that there wasn’t a Santa Claus. Jean Grey was a woman that was endowed with an incredible amount of uncontrollable power. It wasn’t long before she was corrupted and then consumed by that power. I wanted her to win in the end, but what I didn’t realize is that sometimes death is a victory. It still hurts though.

Walk with me for a minute as we go through the issues that lead up to her demise…

134

X-MEN #134
The X-Men defeat the Knights of the Hellfire Club, but in the process they lose Jean Grey forever. Her mind was altered by the villain Mastermind, who was impersonating a Victorian era gentleman named Jason Wyngarde. In the process of infiltrating Jean Grey’s brain Mastermind unlocked some of the pyschic barriers that Professor X had installed to keep Jean Grey from realizing the potential of the Phoenix power. Now that the Phoenix was unleashed it repaid Mastermind by essentially performing a lobotomy on him without the surgery, reducing Mastermind to the comicbook version of TERRI SCHIAVO. The Phoenix then becomes the Dark Phoenix.

135

X-MEN #135
Defeating the Hellfire Club was simple compared to trying to tame the raw fury of the Dark Phoenix. Part of the reason the X-Men are having difficulty is because they don’t want to hurt Jean Grey while trying to put the Dark Phoenix in check. No dice. The Dark Phoenix knows all of their weaknesses and it doesn’t want to be stifled. In short, the X-Men’s ass is grass.

136

X-MEN #136
The Phoenix force has totally consumed Jean Grey’s body and is out of control. Drunk with freedom it traveled into another solar system and consumed an entire star, similiar to the Sun that our Earth rotates around. Unfortunately, the star was also the life giver to the planets within its system and one of those planets was inhabited by billions of lifeforms that were all killed when the Dark Phoenix consumed the star. The Dark Phoenix was an out of control universal force. Some say the Dark Phoenix is more powerful than Galactus. For whatever reason the Dark Phoenix returned to Earth it gave the X-Men one last chance to defeat it. Professor X recruited Jean Grey’s parents in the hopes that they might be able to reach whatever was left of Jean’s pysche that the Dark Phoenix had not corrupted. With that small opening the Professor engaged in a telepathic duel with the Dark Phoenix for the soul of Jean Grey. With Jean’s help the Professor was barely able to subdue the Dark Phoenix.

137

X-MEN #137
For my money this is the greatest comicbook ever created. The art and the story are the most incredible flight of fancy and emotion that I have ever ridden. FRANK MILLER’s Daredevil and Dark Knight books are a close second and third, but if I could only have one single issue of any comic title it would be this one. The X-Men are kidnapped by the Imperial Guard and Jean Grey is placed on trial for the crimes that the Phoenix has committed. The X-Men offer to duel with the Imperial Guard for Jean’s life and a battle royale ensues. The X-Men are getting their asses handed to them on a platter when suddenly the Phoenix re-emerges to thump out everybody. Jean Grey can feel the power surging inside of her and before she can be transformed again into the Dark Phoenix she decides to take her own life. Cyclops can be seen crying over her ashes as the book concludes. Classic good shit.

138

X-MEN #138
A chapter ends for the X-Men as Scott Summers leaves the group after the loss of his true love. Scott and Jean were the last two members of the original team that were still with the group, but after this issue the X-Men will be comprised of only members that came on in issue #94.

JOHN BYRNE and CHRIS CLAREMONT did a masterful job on the X-Men series and despite the difficulties that these two creative people had working with each other the end product is something greater than they could have ever created alone. Because of these comic books I wanted to become a writer so that Jean Grey would live on forever, but alas, nothing lasts forever.

Except for love.

Even Fox Network Outsources American Talent…

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007

sanjaya

The new Republican endorsed corporate model for outsourcing American jobs to India has even come into the music industry. Fox televsion’s curiously popular show ‘American Idol’ continues to attract viewers even though the aggregate talent of all the contestants on that show can fit inside of a Dixie cup.

This may be one of those situations where people love to stare at the car accident in order to see a dead body. In any case, the show’s producers have teamed up with shock jock HOWARD STERN and MySpace and the Devil in Hell to give us this season’s emotional darling contestant.

SANJAYA MALAKAR is that perfect storm of non-talent and media generated charisma. My girl FRESH at Crunk & Disorderly loves dude to death, but her sarcasm is too much to bear. I have yet to turn on my television and watch this dude perform. I just refuse to let CableVision record my cable box tuned into that garbage that spawned CARRIE UNDERWOOD and JENNIFER HUDSON.