Archive for December, 2006


Sunday, December 24th, 2006


Whenever I think of Christmas I think of having a few days off from work to run around my apartment naked and chase my girlfriend. In the end Christmas is the celebration of childbirth. And how do you make a child in the first place (don’t answer this if your MARY CHENEY)?

If the infant baby JESUS could chose any womb to exit from I’ll lay odds that he’d chose one of these wombs that I want to enter…

After watching SCARLETT in ‘Match Point’ is when I knew I would have to get me some of that yum-yum-ooo-tang. She was licking her lips and rolling her eyes and just playing the role of a sexy whore. I was never really checking for her too tough at first because she didn’t have an azz as plump as ANGELINA, and she didn’t have that ‘Norway stunner’ look that UMA rocks, but now I have come full circle and I’m giving mad props to Ms. JOHANSSON.

Remember when everybody was saying that CIARA had a penis? It turned out that she has an extra large labia which isn’t even that uncommon after all. Plus you know Bow Wow was too busy fucking around with video games and toys instead of wearing this young tail out like he should have been. CIARA is begging to be worn out like a pair of Payless pumps. She wants you to throw her around and pee on her six pack stomach. Good for you CIARA that I just drunk four cups of green tea and my bladder is having wild spasms. Let’s bang it up lil’ mama.

tricia TRICIA HELFER a/k/a Number 6
This is my little futuristic intergalactic cyborg beat box. If you aren’t fucking with Battlestar Galactica yet you need to get up on that shit. This chick alone makes the program worth watching. She’s a total cocktease and a kick azz malevolent bitch all wrapped up in the same package. The best part is that she’s a robot so if you wanted to azz rape her with a leather belt around her neck it wouldn’t be a crime, because technically, robots aren’t considered human even if they have a soul.

A few years back DENZEL turned out this little fine piece of chocolate tail so badly that she had to go get ‘Something New’. SANAA filled the void in Black cinema that NIA LONG had on smash in the early 1990’s. I’m not saying that NIA motherfucking LONG couldn’t still get her weave pulled while I aired her out from behind, but SANAA is just a little more sexy with her clef chin.

In my book a clef chin = cum cup.


vanessa williams VANESSA WILLIAMS
Ugly Betty’s boss, VANESSA WILLIAMS, is forever my lady like that Jodeci song, except I won’t be kidnapping her and burning Newport cigarettes on her nipples like Mr.Dalvin does, allegedly. She was my first Valentine love. I’ve been patiently waiting for VANESSA for over twenty years and I will wait another twenty if that’s what it takes for her to be mine. I can see myself giving Miss America (that’s what I call her) a sponge bath when she’s 80. She is going to be fine for all of eternity.


Sunday, December 24th, 2006


I was talking with a few kids who were way more pysched about ‘My Morning Jacket’ and ‘Panic At The Disco’ than they were about ANYTHING that was going on in rap music. It’s interesting to have a conversation about Jay-Z and Nas with people that don’t know (or care) who Peedi Crack or Nashawn are. As big a commercial juggernaut as Hip-Hop may seem it still doesn’t resonate past popular culture when you cross reference mainstream America. When I asked these kids who they thought the best rapper was they all agreed that Tupac Shakur was the “realest”.

Like it or not, and I don’t like it at all, but Tupac is the zenith for rap music in many people’s minds. It’s already been more than ten years since Tupac’s untimely death and Hip-Hop has gone on to transcend the violence that defined the period when Tupac and Biggie were killed, but we find that it now sputters in the hands on corporate mismanagement and artistry that is neither compelling nor challenging intellectually.

These are dark days for the artistic movement called Hip-Hop. Will it descend from omnipotence much like cubism and jazz have done when there were no longer significant artists to push the envelope of creativity? Hip-Hop is surely in danger, but I believe in the talent and desire of a few artists that remain in the genre. Hopefully their light will shine on as an example for a future generation of artists. Not just to save Hip-Hop, but the essence of the griots, who speak the pre-historic poems of the honored elders.

The first piece in my holy trinity of rap music is Raekwon the Chef. Only Built For Cuban Links has stood the test of time as one of, if not the definitive snapshot of Hip-Hop music. The soundscape and lyrical content described a place that was battered and bruised by supremacy, but through faith in GOD it would persevere. Contained therein was the charisma and swagger of the essence of Hip-Hop. Something was being made from nothing. I can find the DNA traces of OB4CL in not just Hip-Hop music, but television and cinema as well. It’s the album that keeps giving back.

The second piece of Hip-Hop music’s holy trinity is the yin to Raekwon’s yang. Ghostface and Raekwon exist on the highest plane of complementary artists. This is Hip-Hop’s version of MILES and ‘TRANE. Both are virtuosos that can bland in with a larger group. To my ears, GHOSTFACE represents the evolution of Kool G Rap.

nas NaS
Some might argue that in terms of sheer talent NaS is the greatest Hip-Hop artist ever, but it has always been a seemingly on again off again relationship that he has with Hip-Hop that prevents me from giving him that title. There is no question in my mind that NaS, Chef and Ghost are the next generation behind RAKIM, KANE and G RAP who were the followers of CAZ, STARSKI and MELLE MEL. I anxiously await the next trinity of prophet artists to emerge. Until then, I know who killed it with his ether and his rhymebook.

There is a short list of emcees that give me the impression that they would rhyme for no money at all. It just means that much to them. GAYME is one of those dudes. His style continues to improve and he mainatains an intensity and purpose for his art. He constantly gives homage to the people that have influenced him almost to the point that it become annoying. His age and his attitude all point to an upside still for his potential. That and the fact he can always find an issue to grind his axe on means he should remain interesting to listen to in the new year.

A few years ago when MOS DEF said that KANYE was going to save Hip-Hop I scoffed at the notion. Who was this guy?!? In that small window of time I have come to understand KANYE as someone who respects and revers the architects of Hip-Hop. KANYE is the poduction heir to JAY DILLA and his lyrical ability grows with every album. KANYE took an incredible leap of faith when he made those remarks during the Hurricane Katrina relief telethon. No one in his peer group had similiar courage. The true spirit of Hip-Hop is when you are not a coward to talk truth to power.


Sunday, December 24th, 2006


For the last year Sprint has been the exclusive telecommunications provider to the staff at DALLASPENN Dot Com. We used several different models of the Power Vision supported Samsung equipment as well as the new LG “FUSIC” device. We thank Sprint for their continued sponsorship of the website and we hope the new year finds us in a better place with our overall tech portfolio.

If any of you readers have a Best Buy hook up holler black at your boy.

samsung SAMSUNG A920
The Samsung A 900 series holds MP3 files and photographs on a micro memory card. Since I already have an iPod I didn’t use the phone to listen to music. Actually, for the six month promotional period the phone helped me maintain the website. It had a fully functional web browser that supported HTML code so I could make revisions to posts and join comment threads when I wasn’t ever near a PC. The cellphone was wildly reliable too.

I want a Blackberry just so I can look important. What the hell did we do as a civilization before the advent of these devices. When people say, “keep in touch”, it has less and less to do with human contact anymore. The Wall Street Journal has a funny story about parents who would rather relate to their Blackberry phones than their kids. I want that for my life too.

As far as gaming systems are concerned, the PS 2 is a relic, but I am cool with that anyhoo. I just want to play Grand Theft Auto for hours on end until my fat arse welds itself to my leather couch. After several years in the same position I will become one with my couch. The emergency service workers will have to put me and my couch into the ambulance together. In the operating room they would confuse my stomach with the buttery soft couch leather and I would lose so much blood that I end up dying in the hospital. But right before I die I whisper, “Rosebud”.

If you humps really loved me then you would get me one of these bad boys. These flash drive memory card collabos help me keep the website mobile. 1 Gigabyte drive holds music files and tons of wacky photos. The 512MB memory card goes into my still camera that I use to take candid pictures of homeless people and my sneakers. I’ll be selling sponsorship opportunities to the website early this year. How about having a category at DP Dot Com being named after you? Poppa needs a new pair of shoes.
flash drive

The image shows an RFID transmitter and the tiny scar on your hand where the transponder is implanted. When I was a little kid I remember the crazy Seventh Day Adventists referring to the ‘Mark Of The Beast’ and how we would all have to accept it in order to trade and barter in the new world order. It makes all the sense to me now since I see that we are moving closer to a single global monetary system and the reactionary political forces are limiting the free movement of people and information. Merry Christmas bitches.


Saturday, December 23rd, 2006


I’m fairly confident that JESUS will have a gun when he comes back to Earth, especially if he plans on hanging out in America. We loooooooove guns in America. Almost as much as we love GOD. Okay, truth is that we don’t nearly love GOD as much as we love guns, but we love righteous indignation, and that’s a way of loving GOD too I think. As a matter of fact we will shoot you over our righteous indignation, because that’s how JESUS would want it. If he had a gun.

Here’s the short list of people that will be shooting their guns in the air for the new year. Pray that you aren’t caught up in the crossfire…

Now that these young boys can put that silly rape nonsense in the rearview mirror they can go back to being the third best LAX team in the Atlantic Coast Conference. This case was a pile of elephant shit inside of an industrial strength food processor when it first dropped. Ultra sensitive back country Blacks took offense to the notion that a prostitute wasn’t really a college student just because she was taking an english course at a community college. Too bad she wasn’t taking an ethics class. Then she would have known how to spill the beans properly, stating that she was a professional lady who was drugged up by some hormonely agressive college punks. Who knows what the real story is in that shitstorm anyhoo? A drunk STEVEN PAGONES sits in his living room laughing and crying simultaneously.

JESUS knew that the money changers were steady cooking the books and that’s what these crooks are prah’lee up to when they pay themselves these exorbitant bonuses. I saw a fantastic article in the local newspaper detailing all the people that these billion dollar bonuses fed. The waitress at the Wall Street steakhouse who gets $100 tips. The luxury sportscar dealer and the realtor that sells Manhattan penthouse apartments to hotshot day traders. I’m not an advocate for cannibalism, but these dudes are gonna taste like meat the day the market blows chunks.

In one of those classic hiccups that happen when racist lawmakers hire staffers even more stupid than they are we learned that anti-Muslim xenophobia runs as deep as the Chesapeake River. A U.S. Rep thinks that we can somehow have a moratorium on Muslim immigrants as if they all wear nametags and turbans. That’s almost as stupid as building a fence throughout Texas. GOODE only removes his head from the sand in order to stick it up his arse.

Don’t say nothing sideways about the vice president’s daughter because dude has a gun and he is known to shoot even his friends in the face. It’s just that his daughter is married to another woman so this child might be an immaculate conception. Could this be the second coming of the infant baby JESUS? Give this kid some credit too for all the girl on girl fuckfests he’ll have experienced while in the womb.
lil weazle

the wire NYPD COPS
Right after the murder of SEAN BELL the NYPD went on a shooting spree in New York City. All these additional incidents were publicized to mitigate the fact that the SEAN BELL case was cold blooded murder. Bullets flew in all directions at the scene of SEAN BELL’s death as cops even targeted bystanders. I pray that the family of SEAN BELL doesn’t accept any money for their son’s death. I hope they stop at nothing less than the conviction of the three malicious cops that ignited and continued this tragedy. I believe that this case can change a city for the better. Not just with rhetoric, but with resolutions on the carte blanche that cops have to kill young Black males. If Hip-Hop is dead, why can’t supremacy die one day too?


Saturday, December 23rd, 2006


And from all the other cRappers that I didn’t have to listen to in 2006. By remaining under your proverbial rocks you unwittingly kept Hip-Hop alive. Here’s to the hopes that you all give the same present in the new year which is the lack of your presence on any rap records.

Being voted the ‘Weed Carrier of the Year‘ or some such might be the only award dude will ever win. It’s not like he’s a bad rapper either but he lacks charisma so badly that you can’t listen to him for more than 8 bars at a time. Like 8 bars every two years. That should be one of the commandments created to keeping Hip-Hop alive. MEMPH BLEEK is allowed to guest on a record only once every twenty four months.

TIMBALAND has a bag of tricks and gimmicks that Hip-Hop fans are finally fed up with. I just hope he gave dude enough money to fix his Dodge Charger with the Confederate flag on the top. You never have to be a certain color or background to be authentic to Hip-Hop. You just have to be… Authentic.

jones MAGOO
Another TIMBALAND bag carrier (no MISSY ELLIOT) that I can do without for the upcoming calendar year. I imagine that he’s a cool cat and all, but to have a voice that sounds like your sucking on helium is better suited for cartoon voiceovers. It’s time to stop letting TIMBALAND make a mockery of Hip-Hop music by bringing clowns and rejects into the industry. I’m sure there’s some Black kid in a Virginia prep school watching ‘The Wire’ that TIMBALAND has yet to produce. Why am I encouraging him?

This cat brought NOTHING original to the game. If you own an MC EIHT album I give you permission to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.
lil weazle

the wire FOXY BROWN
I don’t want to hear FOX BOOGIE BROWN next year and she already can’t hear me. How’s that for ironic symmetry? My real problem with FOXY?!? Who remembers that math equation she butchered in the ‘Affirmative Action’ single.

“Thirty-two grams raw, chop it in half, get sixteen, double it times three.
We got forty-eight, which mean a whole lot of cream.
Divide the profit by four, subtract it by eight. We back to sixteen”

WTF?!? This fugazi arithmetic is why rappers are always going broke!