A LETTER FROM THE MANAGEMENT

March 24th, 2006

the tune of ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ plays from an imaginary podcast that I wasn’t able to attach to this site, but you know the song gotdammit so sing along.

It’s time to get back on our grizzly if we want to maintain any of the relationhips with our readers that we had when the year began. There was so much promise in the air back then. The website’s statmeter was blowing the fuck up and we thought that maybe we were going to have a successful site on our hands, but the evil OPRAH that is Black History Month knocked the wind out of our sails and the readership dwindled to a handful of weekly visitors. Rest assured my faithful white readers (2): I will be posting some hot pics of SCARLETT JOHANSEN and DREW BARRYMORE in the next few days.

fab four

I am also hoping that a bevy of new material and some more real talk and true stories will bring some more of you back to table. MASTER P has a few video projects to debut, the INTERN is stepping up his game with added content and we even have our sexy webmistress chiming in with her own features. The goal is to finish this quarter strong and set ourselves up for a great second quarter.

We don’t need to have the lead going into halftime, but we want to show and prove that we have game…

fitty and gayme

I almost wish that JAYCEON was down with us cause that fools stock is rising like a rocket. We don’t care for his rhyme flow too tough over here at the site. but we do respect the youngbloods’ resilience. Counted out before the end of last year he has found a way to keep his name on people’s lips (no ANG LEE). He even has a new colorway being released for his crappy sneaker. Would you believe that all this good fortune comes to him just because he stares blankly and angrily at a camera lens.

I could kill a brick!

This is what CHOCOLATE SNOWFLAKE was talking about to me at the executive meeting we had in Philadelphia. I need to get a meaner more hungry look on my face. I need to scowl a little more and stop giving up my seat to old ladies on the subway. I spent half my life living like an asshole shitbag taking advantage of anybody that I came in contact with because I knew that nice guys finished last. Why should I change now just because I can feel my chariot to the mothership is approaching? How the fuck else am I going to make this site work out for all of us.

billy sunday

I haven’t had the scrilla to take my entertainment writers out to dinner in a while. Its gotten so bad these chicks will read Concrete Loop before they visit D.P. dot C. Bitches! Awright, I admit that Concrete Loop is hell’a good, but we do our thing here too. Doesn’t anybody like the Separated at Birth series?!? What about the BeYONCE Factor? Don’t front and say that the Hot Azz Mess awards isn’t your favorite internets picture gallery. This is programming that you will not receive on any of your Viacom controlled television networks. No pimps, no dysfunctional married R&B singers, no ancient eccentric rap music hypemen, no Black girls wearing blonde wigs…

lucky dude

Okay, let’s not get too crazy now, blonde on a Black is always better than black on black crime. Especially when that crime is sanctioned by record labels and other media outlets. Keeping it real sounds good to the kids but it hasn’t gotten anyone too far in life. ISRAEL RAMIREZ’ killer walks right before my eyes and all I can think about are Mz.B’s creamy muscled thighs.

I am on my way to the FREEDOM Friday party tonight, but when I get back in let’s talk about your boy ERIC ‘EASY-E’ WRIGHT. Popular information says that he was a former drugdealer that began his record label with the proceeds from his illicit dealing. Truth is that EASY-E had a small family inheritance that he used to start Ruthless Records and the lawyer, JERRY HELLER, became a partner by hooking him up with his own connections to manufacture and press vinyl records. I know its not as romantic as you would like to believe in that whole mythic streetlife storyline, but keep in mind that the government would have seized the label long ago like they do for mafia assets if they thought that it was founded from the profits of narcotics trading.

Your favorite crapper wasn’t ever a bad boy and there is no Santa Claus.

You can hate me now, but I won’t stop now.

DALLASPENN.COM: What The Game’s Been Missing

March 24th, 2006

shoes

The good news in bloggy’hood is that BYRON CRAWFORD has brought his ‘A’ game to the XXL website. This bodes well for everyone else in line to finally taste some of that sweet corporate poonahnee. The limousine rides, the open bars and buffets and most importantly, the whores. The sexy electronic print whores that will lick the azzhairs of anyone that has their name attached to a website with actual, not virtual, sponsors.

How do I know all about the industry paradise that awaits the BC dot C when I sit here in my parents’ basement with no shirt on, sipping Level vodka mixed with raspberry lemonade Crystal Light, from my favorite cup with the crazy straw (no brokeback, as always)? I know because I imagine it to be that way. Why else would you pour your heart and soul onto a webpage if there wasn’t any monetary return. I heard that the blogging game was just like the crack game, except you won’t have to give some stranger your parent’s color Trinitron for a $10 red-topped vial.

The real truth about writing is that there isn’t a pot of gold waiting or you at the end of the rainbow (didn’t I say no brokeback). There’s no car service waiting to pick you up from the airport, if your Black you may not even be able to catch a cab. There aren’t any sexy literary whores, just skanks.

You see there are three professions that people would do just for the love – 1) astronaut, 2) circus performer and 3) writer. Can you imagine the rush that comes from making people gaze in wonderment and then clap with applause. To be able to evoke that response without burning to a crisp upon re-entry or having to shove a Cirque-du-Soleil sword into your rectum makes writing the best thing in the world.

Corporate America knows this much and they contract writers to develop the campaigns that sell you all the bullshiite that you don’t need. Whether its a new pair of sneakers or the war on Iraq, someone wrote something down that started the ball rolling. And to this extent I will cast my lot. I may not make it to the promised land that BYRON CRAWFORD has entered, but I would be just as happy with a new crazy straw.

r2d2

INTERNATIONAL H.A.M.

March 23rd, 2006

classic H.A.M. wall pose

The magic of the 2006 2nd Annual Hot Azz Mess awards is even inspiring folks on an international level.

gaza h.a.m.

B.I.G. STAND UP! Well, Not Really…

March 23rd, 2006

notorious

Ten years ago today NYC crapper Notorious B.I.G. was arrested for soemthing…

I will bet you that my peoples at Nah’Right have some sort of tribute going on over there right now. Them dudes stay on top of the crap game.

My kid brother’s born day is today too.

FOOLS RUSH IN (ReMix)

March 23rd, 2006

the fools

First off, go out and copp the latest issue of F.E.D.S. Magazine. I wouldn’t normally give a shout to any of these crappy Hip-Hop rags because the writing is so garddamned wack, but this issue is near and dear to my heart. The mag has an interview with my brother BIG CY. He talks a little bit about the the formation of the collective that some haters like to refer to as a gang. He also shares some great thoughts about his actual brother, MEGATRON.

The writer didn’t do the ultimate justice to CY by displaying his intelligence. I blame that on the writer and the editors. They are in the business of selling magazines to a demographic that they think doesn’t deserve intelligent and profound journalism. Either that or the writer was just a hump.

I promise that in the upcoming weeks I will continue to give you the real life stories of my brothers as they tried to find their way through New York City. I won’t glamorize them and I won’t apologize for them either. They were simply young people with an undeniable well of energy and not enough information on how to to be proactive and progressive. Many of these kids paid the ultimate price and those of us that remain now understand our duty to the collective and the community.

Peace to…

cyclonus
BIG CY

RUMBLE
RUM(ble)

MENASOR
MENASOR

MANDELLO
MANDELLO

'STRONG
HEADSTRONG

TIM STONE
TIM STONE

ASTROTRAIN
ASTROTRAIN

BABY FACE FINSTER
BABY FACE

KEITH CAT
KEITH ‘BATTLECAT’

V'ILL
V’ILL BLACK

SCATTERBLAST
‘SCATTERBLAST’ JACK

TRUCK
TRUCK

DEVASTATOR
DEVASTATOR

BRUTICUS
BRUTICUS

When I was in high school I couldn’t wait for springtime. Actually I couldn’t wait for anytime. The city was like a big playground all year long, but springtime held special interest. There was the Milrose Games at Madison Square Garden. Guaranteed track and field poohnahnee. You might meet a cheerleader chick from Teaneck, New Jersey whose parents had a big house with a carpeted basement. That, my friends, was called high school ‘poon’ jackpot.

There was also the Walk-A-Thon. Tens of thousands of people walked around Manhattan to raise money for a cure for Multiple Sclerosis. If you pulled a few folks together with the like mind to get some paper, you could put in some good work along the route. The throngs of people also provided cover when the heat was on. By the time you reached the end of the route at Central Park, you had a backpack full of pilfered goods. Clothing, sneakers, jewelry, food…Everything was for the taking.

With this kind of grab azz atmosphere, you can imagine that everybody was out and about. There was another group of young men who were essentially our mortal enemies. We would always encounter them at big events like the Walk-A-Thon. They were called the A-Team because that was the subway line they rode. They came from an area in Brooklyn called East New York, more specifically the Cypress Hills and Harold Pink housing developments. East New York has been one of New York City’s grittiest and gulliest neighborhoods since the blackout in 1977. Even during the police state Rudy Giuliani era, E.N.Y. led the city in homicides and violent crimes. The kids that came from this neighborhood were tough as shit because that was the only way they could survive.

The A-Team had kids named after animals like OX, HORSE, PIG and DOG. One dude named GUADO had a flattop cut and always kept a shank on him. Of all these dudes, the most fearsome was a kid named DRAC, short for Dracula. He got the nickname because he had NO FRONT TEETH! To top that off, he had pointed gold caps on his incisors. And he was tall as shit. And he was black and ugly. And mean. Now I wonder if this kid was always that mean or if he became that way because of how everyone viewed him and responded to him on sight.

The A-Team and my brothers were familiar with each other because we crossed paths constantly. Friday night would find us all at a downtown Hip-Hop club called Union Square. And then the same people would go to the Times Square area on Saturday night to the Latin Quarter. Familiarity breeds contempt and these dudes hated us with a passion. What helped us in dealing with them was the simple fact that we had too much posse. When things got set off, we had an advantage because they didn’t account for the kids dressed like preppies who were down with us.

The Walk-A-Thon was a different scene because the madness that my brothers and the A-Team usually visited upon each other would now spill out and affect the ‘other’. The ‘other’ were people who lived in the city and never encountered foolish, angry Black youth. They didn’t tuck in their jewelry or protect their valuables because they never felt they had to. They had never witnessed the savages at work. What happened next on this particular spring day at the Walk-A-Thon would transform any lifelong Liberal voter into a staunch Republican.

My brothers and the A-Team spotted each other through the crowd of thousands at Central Park. MEGATRON and some of the brothers positioned themselves in the center of the crowd. Once they were in place, he yelled out the command for the mayhem to commence. The desperate explosion of testosterone was overwhelming. In every direction people began fighting and yelling in random emphatic outbursts. In this uncontrollable atmosphere, the flatfoot police had to give way to the mounted officers. The horses whinied and stood up on their hind legs. My brothers scuffled with the A-Team as well as the jakes in plainclothes. ASTROTRAIN punched a horse in the jaw. The scene was like something from a classic old western town brawl, where everyone is getting punched out from their blindside. We had ladies with us who were as gully as any dude. They were using their hands as well as hammers and boxcutters. Then the large police wagons screeched into the park and riot gear police jumped out. Everyone scrambled.

I escaped from the clutches of the police with some of my brothers. We hopped the subway at Columbus Circle. Thankfully, no one had been stabbed or shot. There were a few bumps and bruises but no one in the collective needed any serious medical attention. We rode the subway home as exuberant as when the day began. I was happy because I still had my Eastpack backpack and all my loot.