More Mothers I’d Like To F…

December 2nd, 2006

brit

I knew that y’all would be freaky for that vintage poon like ZILLZ and me. It’s just a better feel all around. I remember this baseball mitten that I had for years and I took it outside every spring to play catch with my dad? Before we would go outside to the park my dad would take a little bit of baby oil and rub it into the center cup of the mitt. Dad’s know how to soften up the leather rubbing it well. After he did that the mitt was ready to catch balls.

The same goes for these M.I.L.F.’s that we listed today. You rub these sweet things down with a little oil and they will be catching more balls than you can throw. It’s not about the quantity though, it’s about the intimate feel that only a mother can give. They know how to be tender to us when we need that reassurance, and they can be stern when it’s time to correct our step. Moms are dope. Every woman should be mom. Every man should love a mother, but not his own. We don’t cosign that type of shit here at this site.


M.I.L.F. (from 30yrs old to 49yrs old)

stacey STACEY DASH
Honestly, STACEY DASH’s pics in the recent issue of Playboy turned me out. Didn’t her B.D. CHRISTOPHER WILLIAMS pass away inside the drive thru at a Mrs. Winner’s restaurant in A.T.L.?

gremlin love PHOEBE CATES
I wanted to give her my mogwai since way back in the ‘Fast Times at Ridgemont High’ days. Remember that scene when JUDGE RHEINHOLD gets caught out there beating his manhood out to a daydream of her? No brokeback to remembering J.R. masturbating.

whitley JASMINE GUY
JASMINE owes us a piece of that stinky power U. since the first episode of ‘A Different World’. I am going to try to break the headboard with her forehead for all of the high-yellow AKA cotillion debutantes that would never let me smell it.

G.I.L.F. (from 50yrs old to 69yrs old)

glam life SHEILA E.
Another one of PRINCE’s ex-ladies whose bath water I would drink from a champagne flute.

moonlight CYBILL SHEPHERD
When she was a teenager she let fat ELVIS beat out her seat. She was from Memphis, he was a god, yada, yada, yada. I would take Burger King’s sloppy seconds so you know I am down to moonlight with CYBILL.

wesson FLORENCE HENDERSON
Mrs.Brady likes Black rods. Why do you think she spent all those years trying to learn how to fry chicken in Wesson oil? Hey Mrs.Brady, how large was that Black guy that schtooped you last night?

latoya LaTOYA JACKSON
Do not sleep on LaTOYA. I would hit her before JANET because LaTOYA has a clef in her chin. Clef chin = cum cup.

G.G.I.L.F. (from 70yrs old to eternity)

dynasty DIAHANN CARROLL
Way before she was a bitchy blaristocrat she was an entertainment triple threat. A dancer, a singer and a top shelf pin up model. Put that ‘DreamGirls’ wig on the shelf tonight baby because we are gonna get sweaty and dirty.
dynasty

dynasty


***MOST HONORABLE MENTION***

catwoman EARTHA KITT
Catwoman?!? Dig your claws into my back while you make that sexy purring sound.

Posted in The Re-Up | 3 Comments »

Mothers I’d Love To F…

December 2nd, 2006

k-fed's beatbox

Did anyone catch this news byte about the 59year old New Jersey woman having twins? I am bugging out because it’s not like she was doing this to help out her fallow daughter-in-law, but she did this on the strength that she wanted more kids. That got me thinking to how many grandmothers out there are giving up that sweet-aged Power U. Think about a fine wine that sits in an oak cask for decades and then gets brought out for some fancy reception. The bouquet, the taste, are both refined and exquisite.

There are some women that are like a fine Bordeaux. Their Power U has been sitting inside their drawls for decades and whenever it gets let out to breathe it’s like a rose garden or something. That is why you can’t sleep on some of these grown azz women. They have been meditating on the force of their stinky love bush and they know how to use it like a Jedi master or some shit. When we leave this place none of us are sure where we’ll be going, but one thing is for sure, and that’s we all know from where we came. Here’s a quick list of the places that I’d like to visit.

BTW, this post has been stamped with approval by ZILLA.


M.I.L.F. (from 30yrs old to 49yrs old)

stella ANGELA BASSETT
Even though IKE TURNER put a hardbody whupping on her azz and then TAYE DIGGS scraped it too, I still consider homegirl to be the ‘Chocolate Truth’.

kill bill UMA THURMAN
I was hot for her after I saw this flick called Gattaca. Sweet snowflake poon.

mz america VANESSA WILLIAMS
Miss America nigga! And don’t you ever forget it.

G.I.L.F. (from 50yrs old to 69yrs old)

mz patti PATTI LaBELLE
You already know how I feel ’bout Mz.PATTI.

9.5 wks KIM BASINGER
PRINCE and ALEC BALDWIN both put in 9 1/2 weeks on this sweet piece of white meat. The truth is that sloppy seconds is all I wanted in the first place.

fame DEBBIE ALLEN
Fame nigga! I wanna live forever!

claire PHYLICIA ALLEN-RASHAD
Awwwww ish, a sister two fer one. My dream would be to tell Theo that me and his momma are jammin’ it on the one.

G.G.I.L.F. (from 70yrs old to eternity)

sophia loren SOPHIA LOREN
MICHAEL might be crazy, but he ain’t stupid. I would still let my face be her toilet seat. She hasn’t cracked after seven decades so you know what that really means.
sophia loren

sophia loren


***MOST HONORABLE MENTION***

lena horne LENA HORNE
Mz.LENA has done it all in her illustrious career. Trust me that you don’t even want to know how Animal got his nickname?!?

Posted in The Re-Up | 2 Comments »

Random Stats About Du-Rags…

December 1st, 2006

doo rag

Editor’s note: You folks know of him as RD and I have to call him the Youngest In Charge Of The Blogosphere. RD created a series of posts that examines the negative effects that the du-rag has upon those that wear them. RD continues with the series in the conviction that he will one day get young men to throw away their jailhouse accessories and hopefully replace them with a baseball hat that fits properly.

RANDOM STATS ABOUT DU-RAGS
1) Du-rags have become outlawed in the professional world like the ugly Black secretary(both fuck up your business, either way). Why do you think Jay-Z hides his du-rag? So says David Stern who owns a factory in Honduras that manufactures REEBOK du-rags. There is some truth to this as we have been out-sprinting the Spanish man in the race to Rikers Island prison facility. Long before the days of Diddy and J. Lo, we have been following Chico down the toilet of literacy rates, remade the salsa dance with old slave dances (thanks Lil’ Jon), and now have stolen their wife-beaters and made them into du-rags. Wife beaters were cultural memes that had become synonymous with Mexican labor – cheap and accessible. The du-rag has begun to define us. Any mystery or wonder why most du-rags are black and removable? Supremacy is sending y’all a message. And you thought the du-rag was just for some waves?!? Put a satellite radio on your head, or even go to the beach dammit.

doo rag

2) Du-rags = head thongs. I used to feel for women who had to battle the inequalities and pimps of society(no shout out to Don Juan) with a sleek, thinner diaper lodged up their temples. I mean, personally, I look at that as self-harassment. But, black males in an attempt to get ever so much closer to that temple have followed suit. Lacy, cotton, surface-area thongs now slide over their temples and are wedged between desperation and ignorance. How do you want pussy by being a pussy? I don’t get that. With this attitude you will all become du–rags: dispensable and black. That’s why Emimen only wears his for an hour a day. He still doesn’t want to have to wear a vest like his pet homeboy Fisty. So, next time you wear a du-rag, just think of the daily abuse on Melyssa Ford’s prism. Yeah, it still hurts to be a woman.

doo rag

3) Du-rags are more addictive than cocaine. Before one can start to exhibit Bobby Brown symptoms that powdery sample must actually enter the body. Du-rags however, are one up on coke and lie on the dome like a fresh Burger King crown, ready to crown the next royal sucker. Now does it make sense why the King of All Jigs cut a deal with BK? Shit, you don’t even have to fasten them ninja wings before you start popping suicide pills (no shout out to T.O.) or trying to hustle the African people (no shout out to Russel). I swear in a few years, your closest homie will be hustling du-rags by the pound.

doo rag

4) Du-rags are like South Korea on our globe of thought because they are straight nukin’ any intelligence (no pun). So with that y’all better get your ammo of sense ready because the war with ignorance is coming. If you can afford ignorance, you can’t afford anything else, which is to say, ignorance comes at a price. This is why supremacy will always raise the price of gas, real estate, and everything else on this blessed planet. But believe me, just like Beyonce has 2 asses, supremacy will never raise the price of the du-rag. NEVER. And once again, we lose so supremacy has to win. The score reads Supreme Team: every time a rapper forgets to wear a belt and us: -3,487,953.

We got a long way to go.

-RD

Posted in Black Bullshit, Fashion Faux Pas, Jig Lit Review, Social Upheaval, The Guest Room | 8 Comments »

NBA SEASON 2006-07: Snakes On The Court

December 1st, 2006

snakes

If you find yourself in a Barnes & Noble or Borders bookstore this weekend thumb through the recent copy of XXL magazine featuring NAS/YOUNG JEEZY as the alternate covers. On page 107 they list DALLASPENN.COM as the fourth of the top ten Hip-Hop blogs on the internet. They even gave us the backhanded compliment for posting “stream of conciousness rants”. What the fuck is that about?!? I thought we were serious journalists over here (no JASON BLAIR). Considering that the top three bloggers are all employees of XXL mag I think that makes us the top blog that isn’t on the payroll. I’ve got a special prize for anyone that doesn’t buy the magazine, but rips the page out of the mag and mails it to me.

showbee

SHOWBEE and the Showstoppers are singlehandely keeping the Association relavent. Just last night Young Rapist ran through the Utah Jazz as if they were a piece of young white poon on summer break, scoring early and often. SHOWBEE’s getting his points and more importantly Los Angeles is getting their wins. Say what you want to about DWAYNE, LeBRON and CARMELO, but SHOWBEE is the king of the court. It’s not just because he plays in a major market city either because dude would still be compelling even if he played in Memphis. I think it’s because he’s so earnest. Right now SHOWBEE is to the NBA what GAYME is to rap music. He’s the hottest shit on wax and compared to him SHAQUILLE O’NEAL is just an old head trying to stay in the game. Another similarity to GAYME is that they both whine like petulant children. Neither of them want for anything, but they still live life with a chip on their shoulder. If another championship is what it will take to make SHOWBEE happy he is going to have to wait a few more years. It’s all about Dallas right now…

mav whores

Did I say that 2006 was going to be Dallas’ year? Alright, let me change that now to 2007. Anything named Dallas is going to be the shit in 2007 and you should get on the bandwagon now. The Dallas Mavericks are streaking through the NBA because they have the sluttiest cheerleaders. These are the kinds of broads that will sniff an 8-ball of DWIGHT GOODEN’s white pudding off each other’s backsides. MICHAEL IRVIN type chicks. Ask your girl Unruly Brown. She used to be one knows these broads.

Jay-Z came up with the crazy idea of having septuagenarian cheerleaders at Nets’ games during the holidays. One of those ladies is actually in her eighties too. This is a sick idea if these old biddies are hot. Can you imagine getting some sweet action from a hot great-grandma? Her lips prah’lee hang lower than a JIBBS chain. She has to fold them up just to put her drawls on. That’s what’s up. With Jay-Z coming out of retirement I guess he figures everyone else should too. I can’t wait to see the halftime show at the All-Star game next year in Las Vegas. Who wants to bet it’s gonna be EARTHA KITT in a catsuit?

Posted in Crappers, Ghetto Celebs, Sports are Gay | 8 Comments »

40 DAWG Crushes Snowflakes In The Real World…

December 1st, 2006

ebony and ivory

Editor’s note: DP Dot Com football pooler and drinking buddy 40 DAWG pulls out the shotgun and aims for Viacom Corp’s number one cash cow and cultural commodifier. One day soon I hope Viacom will be a corps(e) for all of us to dance upon, but until then you can catch me and 40 publicly urinating on 1515 Broadway.

I’m taking the gloves off people… Its time to fight fire with fire. Don’t get mad at me when I’m dropping off Becky on the Upper East Side and having that secret soul hand shake with her door man. I’m out for the big payback. I’m going for the gusto. I’m getting my reparations for the actions of this country by making as many of its women “unfit” and “used goods”. They say that most truths are said in jest and I am using that adage to notch a small victory of what has probably been the worst month for brothers in a minute – NOVEMEBER 2006.

The people here at DP.com have dillegently worked to opine on the events of the month such ass KKKramer, the etemolgy of our favorite slurs, the tragedy in Queens by Officer Wyatt Earp and the rest of triple OG NYPD Crips (The Original Boys in Blue. No disrepect to Tookie Williams and Raymond Washington), and now MTV is in on it.

This entity of Viacom who along with its Sally Hemmings channel BET (aka The Negroe Channel) has always done its part to way-lay the rank & file lemmings who devour its trifles en masse. There have been ground breaking moments for numerous people of color to get their shine on MTV since Michael Jackson up through today. But they’ve always had their “This what America really is” programming – the wildly successful Don Dada of reality TV “THE REAL WORLD”.

This ironically titled show has always made a great sideshow of showing the systematic COLIN FERGUSON-ing of the black male. Its even wonderfully edited it to the point where sisters hate the brothers on the show (see the ex-Mrs. Kenny Anderson, and the AKA broad with the laundry list of necessary male traits). The other route it goes with the brohams is that they make them completely obsolete or they withdraw completely. On the other side, no show has been more EMPOWERING of the homosexual male into mainstream society than “The Real World”, in its now 17th season they’ve left out numerous “other” groups that are representative of AmeriKKKan society but they always keep a fag on hand (sometimes two) when it comes to casting the show. Well guess what people as of this week, just to round out this perfect BLACK MALE APPRECIATION MONTH, there’s been a shift in the MTV social dynamic…

THE FAGGOT CALLS THE BROTHER A NIGGER… Thats right you got it! And not just you’re average garden variety spade but the violent type, but remarks about how “the nigger wants to kill me” (or something close). Plus I’d like to add the sublte irony that this season takes place in Denver, Colorado home state of KOBEGATE (Hi Katie Faber!).

Maybe its the month my demographic has been collectively having but I just can’t deal with this anymore. I mean I don’t know what MTV has in store to deal with this issue, all I know is that they’ve kicked brothers of their cash cow series for far less reasons and I don’t remember any one of them calling anyone anything. Even Kevin Powell in the heat of his angry black man tirade never once resorted to cheap insults nor scrap the bottom of the ignorance pudding cup. I’m keeping my eye out for this one. Because I’m sure as the size 14’s I roam this planet in if any darkie came out of his mouth and called someone gay a “sheet snatching, pillow biting, butt pirate, cum-catching sword swallowing fag”. They’d immediately have a “house meeting” because “they don’t feel safe”…

You know what, word to the memory of Sean Bell – brothers we need to have a house meeting – BECAUSE I DON’T FEEL SAFE.

Posted in Black Bullshit, Lust = Love, No Boutros Boutros... Ghali, Social Upheaval | 13 Comments »

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