NBA TIGHT PANTS SLAM DUNK CHAMPION

February 19th, 2006

my name is spud

Some of you young’ns won’t recognize the name or the game of ANTHONY WEBB, but that is prah’lee why you come to this site in the first place. For the O.G. education that only your cousin BILLY SUNDAY can provide. Since this is the time of the year when O.G. NBA Tight Pants jigs convene with the next generation of longshortsmen (and rapists) I thought it would be appropriate to drop a post about the greatest Tight Pants All-Star dunk contest.

There were classic high flyers in the contest like long socks legend LARRY NANCE.

larry nizzle

New York Knick forward KENNY ‘SKY’ WALKER wore his ‘flat top’ haircut as recently as 2003

touch the sky

DOMINIQUE WILKINS did his patented array of two-handed tomahawk slams

the dominator

But no one could match the crowd pleasing hops or the technical difficulty that ANTHONY ‘SPUD’ WEBB displayed.

spud

Standing at only a hair over 5feet tall, SPUD WEBB was even considered short outside of an NBA arena. The one thing that SPUD wasn’t short on was desire.

In the final round of the contest KENNY ‘SKY’ WALKER did an amazing dunk where his flattop nearly touhed the backboard.

touch the sky

I didn’t think that the ‘SKY’ WALKER could be beat because he wore a second pair of tight pants under his already tight Tight Pants team shorts. I figured that he had taken Tight Pants to the exponential level, but my mathematical calculations were awry. You see at SPUD WEBB’s height he technically wore the tightest pants of any Tight Pants All Star. KENNY WALKER would not have been able to fit a thigh in SPUD WEBB’s tight pants.

they call me spud

SPUD WEBB then brought the crowd out of their seats with an incredible 360-degree spinning, behind the back, two-handed slam which won the dunk contest and gave little people a brief moment to believe that they too could touch the sky.

WHEEEEEEEEEE!!! The Internets is Fun…

February 19th, 2006

lil' darry

Well here I go internets fam, balls to the walls, pedal to the metal, sitting in my parents basement with no clothes on except for a pair of wool blend socks, sipping Crystal Light and Level vodka from my special cup with the crazy straw, listening to the J. DILLA tribute on the local college radio station.

Damn that’s boys good!

How happy were you when you found out that the BOONDOCKS would make it to a second season? The BOONDOCKS is almost too real for television which makes me wonder out loud why the best programming nowadays in terms of political and moral satire is always a cartoon. South Park, The Simpsons and Family Guy go to places that a network would never permit live actors to touch. The MLK Jr. episode was part sage, part genius, all hilarity. Some priveleged haters must have pulled SHARPTON’s coattails in order for him to fuss about the show, but I guess he fell back when he found out that everyone in his office watches Adult Swim at 11pm on Sundays.

jig words

Volkswagen has a brand new ad company and as usual, when people want to seem hip they stripmine urban culture for slang and idioms. VW use of phrases like “in da haus” and “straight outta da Autobahn” will prah’lee confuse consumers into thinking that the jigs from ‘Pimp My Ride’ have taken over the manufacturing. All these jig words can’t be a help for the other focus that VW is trying to achieve. A reconnection to their O.G. German roots. Anyhoo, this sounds like some phony hinterland Nazi posturing to me since the majority of VW’s are made in Mexico. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

You guys read my political rants about the Administration and you ask me what I think we should do. Here’s what I think we should do. 2008 isn’t that far off and at least he’s been The Man with The Plan.

Despite being the most over-exposed entertainer since DIANA ROSS there has been no sighting yet of pictures featuring an overexposed BeYONCE KNOWLES. You know she has got to have some nude pics out there somewhere. The KNOWLES family must have connections with the National Security Administration in order to keep those pics under wraps. You do know that the dude that purportedly impregnated BeYONCE back in her H-Town high school days has mysteriously disppeared?!? I hope that he wasn’t in or around upstate New York because he may have fallen victim to the legendary woodland beast – ASSQUATCH.

assquatch

SEPARATED AT BIRTH: KANGAY WEZZLE

February 19th, 2006

it could happen to you too

CRUNK and Disorderly showed me that the problems begin with a deity complex and a love for little boys’ jackets.

glove love

With a few more grammy awards you can substitute a ‘BUBBLES’ for a JAMIE or a JOHN.

monkey love

The tiny jacket is the key for your upgrade to the ‘other’ white meat.

post-post blue lagoon

But eventually, the tiny jacket drags you into a wormhole of mental insanity.

wacko

THINKING OF A MASTER PLAN…

February 19th, 2006

the thinker

“Nigga gotta find a way, find a way to make some money” – 213

I have had designs on putting out a book detailing my youth in and around NYC, but there is a crush of writers turning out the worst bullshiite you could ever read. I don’t want to be lumped in together with these miscreants. How the fuck can you be functionally illiterate and still publish a book?!?

I can’t hate on these folks too hard because they have found a way to activate people into the habit of reading. We are living in a post-literate civilization. People receive information from television and radio well before they will pick up a newspaper. So for some folks to be able to sell books to convicts and the jigs on 125th Street is no small feat.

So where do I start? Do people want to read about NYC in the 1980’s? Everybody is pushing the story of crack cocaine, but no one is telling the truth about the destruction left in the wake of the epidemic. That was Black America’s tsunami 20years before Hurricane Katrina touched the coastline. Maybe I should tell my truths about selling drugs and taking drugs. There is an intimate connection between the users and the sellers and more often than not the roles get reversed.

I really want to put my story out about my asshole years and all the women I abused during the time that I hated myself. I had a contentious relationship with my family that almost resulted in my parents’ divorce and was probably responsible for the disconnect that I have with my younger brother.

So much shit to write about…

Damn, thanks for letting me think out loud to your eyes. I have to give thanks to all the good folks that ride with this site no matter what I put on these pages. Y’all will be the folks that get a free copy of the first hardcover edition. Now I am going back to bed and what I was enjoying before I decided to get up to jot down my thoughts.

monkeylove

IRAN’s ‘Secret Nuke’ Program

February 18th, 2006

shah of coyote

As if we didn’t already spend all of our money at the crap tables in Afghanistan and in Iraq. The U.S. taxpayer is being forced to ante up again to the tune of $75million in order to help “build” a democracy in Iran. That is before Iran decides to get all “new clear” on our azzes.

I would believe that Iran was a credible nuclear threat if a more credible source was blowing the whistle. France hasn’t had any dap in years when it comes to these squabbles in the Middle East. Remember when France said that SADDAM didn’t have any WMD’s and then we found them. When I say WMD of course I am referring to the White Milk Drinkers that wear those burkhas to hide their unsightly facial hair.

got milk?

Now if Switzerland was pitching a bitch I would be like, “Whoa Tehran, be easy on that enriched uranium”. The Swiss don’t make a peep until shit gets real in the field.